Turning a corner

If you've followed my blog, you know that 2012 was a dark time for me. The losses I experienced were great. I wrote about my grief a lot. I experienced the death of a loved one for the first time with the passing of my uncle, Chuck. Six months later, my grandpa passed. I wrote about this often. I also talked here and there about another loss, and I'm not sure how transparent I was about it. Five years later, I can tell you it was heartbreak. Yes, I was in a relationship. And yes, it was someone outside of that relationship who broke my heart. I'd never experienced that level of heartbreak, until this year.

And wouldn't you know it, it was by the same person.

I remember as 2012 came to a close, I made a decision to move forward, and be happy. To keep busy, to try new things, to take risks, to expand my world. And I did. I allowed, or forced, or tricked, or succumbed to a new happiness and acceptance. 

Getting out of the darkness this time hasn't been as easy, because I have an added layer. A consuming, living, breathing layer, called motherhood. My boy comes first, I am an afterthought. This naturally happens with motherhood. An example is this; a few months ago my boy and I were driving home from swimming lessons. We were stopped at a red light. When the light turned green, I began to go, and noticed the car to my left wasn't going. As I got further into the intersection, I realized why. They could see what I could not. Coming across the intersection from the left, was a car running a red light. I was able to break in time as the car flew through. The thought that quickly flashed through my head, was that if I was going to be killed, how would anyone know there was a baby in the back? How would I make sure someone got him out? Never mind the fact that I'd be dead. 

I have my baby, and I want to spend my time with my baby, soaking up my experience of motherhood and being the best mother I can to my sweet son. I can't just run out and start new hobbies, or immerse myself in theatre. Yet. I can't distract myself. I can't have a clean break from the one who caused my heart to break. 

So how would I begin to heal? Time. Just as before, time. And in time comes moments. Specific moments. Waking up one day feeling...different. Ready to live. It's been nearly two months to the day of darkness. And I can't live in the dark anymore. I can't live in it like I did five years ago, and I can't live in it like I did for the last two months.

I feel myself coming back into being. I feel more like me than I have in a long, long time. 

There must come a time when things being to click. The switch flips and one evening you look him dead in the eyes and realize that you are no longer in love. There is no love left. Sure, maybe a wish of what you thought you had, but you never had it. 

You realize you've been chasing a ghost for the better part of five years. 

And that's long enough.
And it's time to let it go.
Give up the ghost.
I release you.
I release me. 

And it's okay. 

And you are okay. 

And now you may start. 

You can go now.

Go.

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