The final weeks

I'll be 36 weeks this friday.

I haven't been one of those women who will tell you that they've loved being pregnant. I know there are many who do. It's what I've heard more often than not, and what I expected.

Now that my journey is in it's final stages and I look back on my pregnancy, It's gone pretty darn smooth. The time has flown. And continues to. I never threw up. My weight gain has been minimal. I didn't have crazy cravings. Matt never had to run anywhere to get me something strange to eat at 3 am. My only necessities have been chocolate milk and apples. I was able to exercise regularly. I was able to live my normal life, more or less. The problem is, hindsight is 20/20. Only at the end can I begin to feel appreciative.

I have a hard time when I don't know what to expect. I need to know what is going to happen. I've known for years now that this is my biggest lesson to learn in life. How trust, accept and allow. If this wasn't the ultimate test, I don't know what would be. Never having gone through this, I was stressed at every turn. Wondering if what I was experiencing was normal, and terrified 24/7 that something would go wrong. I was convinced my weight gain would be terrible. I was scared to get our genetic testing results back at the beginning of our pregnancy, sure I was going to get bad news. I was worried about miscarriage. I was worried he'd just stop breathing. Moments of relaxing and enjoying were few and far between.

A few weeks ago we had a scare. For the most part, when people have commented on the size of my bump it's to tell me how surprised they are that I'm so small for how far along I am in my pregnancy. Then the week came where my Dr. decided to order an ultrasound to make sure he was growing as he should, because I was measuring pretty small. She was very reassuring, but it was the first appointment that I didn't walk out the door with all being well. Waiting that week for the ultrasound was so stressful it was making me sick and I ended up losing weight. I can't believe how much I needed him to be okay. In the end he is a bit small, I am a bit small, but we are both measuring fine. We saw him so developed now on the ultrasound. He looked sensitive, and so wise. I couldn't get over it. What a wise sage.

One week ago he dropped. It's such a different feeling. I was so claustrophobic and unable to breathe before he did. Now I feel like there is a bowling ball on the top of my pelvis and I can only walk at a slow waddle. At today's appointment it was reassuring once again to hear all is still well. It's the end. He's practicing his breathing as he should be at this point, getting ready for his first breath. He has quite a bit of hair. He's been moving like crazy lately. He may be small but he is tough.

I'd begun my inner journey of mentally and emotionally preparing for childbirth, and for some reason today left me (finally) in a state of calm. I needed that. At least for today I've let go of fear, of my body betraying me. So far both of our bodies have known just what to do. I can't even begin to describe how much I have learned about appreciating my own body, now at the end of this. That's another post. I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that I've been able to trust this. If only I'd known it sooner.

Preparing for the unknown of childbirth for some reason doesn't stress me. I feel that there is only so much preparation now for something you can't fully imagine until it happens. I feel completely ready, but only as ready as I can be. Ready for the unknown. For once. Maybe because my desire to be so fully present for childbirth overshadows the what-if's. No matter what happens.

Today what I do know, is we are ready to meet. The word meet doesn't ever quite sound right to me, because we already know each other. What I need now is to be able to see and touch him outside of me. It's time for me to hold him. I can't wait to hug him after going through all these lessons together.

I can't quite explain it, the overwhelming feeling that we both need this physical contact with each other now, outside of the womb. And for that, I am a million percent ready.


DM