Spring - Break

Anyone else get this way at the beginning of spring?
I'm filled with a nostalgia for things I barely remember,
and things I've yet to experience.
Everything cuts a little too deep.
Reminders are everywhere.
Each nothing is something that stings me with a sadness I've known for many lifetimes.

Precipice.

It was spring, 2011. I stood outside of the restaurant on a sunny day, waiting for him. I pretended to be busy on my phone. I remember the dark denim shorts, striped shirt, and maybe even the necklace and hat I was wearing. I waited longer than I expected. You know how that goes, when you are energized and brave from whatever you'd just come from, on a high to go right into the next exchange? Then you find yourself waiting. You must sustain your nonchalance and bravery, but it inevitably starts to wane.

He finally pulled up, and I pretended to just have gotten there myself.  I was as casual as can be. We seemed to be the only ones in the restaurant. But it's possible I am now remembering it wrong. What I do remember was the fact that there was nothing to lose. This was the first time we were meeting outside of the place we knew each other. The place was the gym I went to regularly, and where he worked. It's always daunting to go outside the context of where you know someone for the first time. When I say there was nothing to lose, it was because I was certain of two things. Romance was not a possibility for me, and we'd have nothing to talk about. Not really. Not when it was just the two of us and the safety of the gym had been taken away.

Nearing four years later, I remember four things. That I was never truly sure about ruling out romance, or that I believed we'd have nothing to say. Not down in my bones. That he ordered a delicious vegetarian dish and gave me a bite, and that I have craved it to this day but still haven't gone back to get it. That he was dressed in all black, (and although he will argue with me on this) I was positive he took so long because he tried to find the perfect "I didn't try to hard" clothes. And the last thing (the one I see as clear as if it were yesterday) was the way strands of his long brown hair hung down over his eyes, and the look in his blue eyes as he peeked out from under his hair at me.  He knew his hair hung just that way. I knew he knew it. It was like he was almost posed. A look he'd mastered. He knew just what he looked like, and how to angle his face so his hair would so perfectly and nonchalantly fall. Unreal. I'd never seen a boy do this. But then again I'd never seen a boy so beautiful.

I don't remember how long we stayed, what was said when we parted ways, or how the hikes together started.

I can't remember much, other than that was the beginning of letting a new presence into my life. How can we ever know, each time we do that, just how impactful it might be…or not. Some relationships (both platonic and romantic) don't stick. But how do we know at the precipice of simplicity, at the start of it all, just how life changing it might be?

Go back with me again. It's nice weather. The sun is out. I'm in my denim shorts and striped shirt. I'm pretending to be busy on my phone. I've also put together an outfit that says I didn't try too hard, even though I've made sure my ponytail falls just over my shoulder like so, and my makeup is perfect.

I'm waiting for him. My bravery is waning. Am I nervous? Why am I nervous? Romance is off the table. We'll have nothing to talk about. This will be a one time thing, I'm sure of it. My life has been my life, every day, and every year, and every breath up until this moment.

This is all I know. This is my world.


And it's all about begin.




Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Who are you?

So inspired by what a friend asked today on her Facebook page. "WHO ARE YOU? Who are you behind your fb page, your business title, or any other mask you have out there. Deep down, behind closed doors, who are you?" I  wanted to pose the question, too.  When you answer, let it pour out of you quickly. Don't think too much, just let the answer come. Stream of consciousness.  Here's mine: 

I am the most sensitive person I know. I feel everything deeply. Too deeply, I think, at times. I recently learned I get caught up in past wounds more than I was conscious of. I think being a human is unnatural and I don't like it all that much at times. Yet I often exist in a state of opposites. I have felt more in the moment the last couple of years more than I ever have, and I am currently so in love with my life that I get terribly sad thinking I don't get to keep it. I have to die someday. I don't want to. I want to freeze time. I don't want my husband and I to age, or die. I find this heartbreaking. 

I came to this life an old soul, but the memories of whatever I was are getting farther away. As if I am growing younger. I believe in reincarnation only because of how strongly I feel that I've always been here and will be again. I can almost remember the in-between of each round.  I identify with warrior and wise sage archetypes. Joan of Arc. Sylvia Plath. Carl Sagan. I also find it small and strange that we all fit into the same archetypes again and again. I always want there to be more. There probably is, but I don't know enough to see it.  

I believe humankind sets incredibly silly rules about things like money and politics and priorities. I don't like the boundaries and labels we draw with the earth and with each other. I've never belonged to an organized religion, but understand people need to believe what they believe to get through life with comfort and hope. We are all entitled to that, and should never be told or tell another they are wrong for their path. I believe we all end up in the same place, so whatever road you take to get there is fine. 

I think it is impossible and nonsensical to judge another, therefore when you do it's all about you and your beliefs, perceptions. I can't wrap my head around people shunning other people because of who they love, what they wear, or skin color. I suppose it's because I know I'm not my body. I identify with my inside, my soul. I feel my soul is not so limited as the vessel that houses it this round. I don't know if it's male or female or human, or what it is.  But I know it's me.  I also think my shell and my jobs here betray who I am.  Funny, isn't it? I do believe it's meant to be this way, for the greater good of our evolution. 

I crave salt to the point where I swear it could be a medical issue.  Always have. I prefer to sit on the floor rather than on a piece of furniture and have to reassure new people again and again that yes, I really am fine to do so. I have gone longer without red meat and pork in my diet than I ever did with it, even though there was a time when steak, mashed potatoes, and corn was my favorite meal.

When people have conversations about decorating their homes and shopping for material possessions I want to cry with boredom. I'd rather you talk about what makes you sad, and alive, and scared, and where you think our soul is, and what you think it is, and what you know to be true without ever having experienced it. 

I often feel I don't belong here in this place and time because I know better, I see past the illusion. I often imagine there is a force, a presence, or creator sitting back watching all of us here on planet Earth get it so wrong.  I'm sure they shake their head at us.  But I feel it is also loving and patient, and knows all.  I truly believe one day mankind will be enlightened, yet I'm surprised at our slow progress.  But we are young. 

I feel at times a more masculine energy in myself than female. I think nurture and nature have a huge hand in shaping us. I am an aries and only child through and through. For a highly sensitive person who has been on the path to expand and enlighten herself for four years now, at times I am scared how stubborn and borderline narcissistic I am. I try to forgive myself and chalk it up to the fact that I do have to live this life.  I have to be temporarily human.

I tattoo bits and pieces on my shell that mean something and mark phases, memories, and decades. It's a collection of the people I once was. When I die, I like that someone who doesn't know me could look at my body and in seeing those tattoos, understand a bit of who I was. That makes me smile just thinking about it. 

I believe this round my lessons are to learn how to truly forgive other people, to accept, allow, embrace, be present, and have patience.  

I believe my dog and I have been together before. I know it when I look into his eyes.  I believe dreams are sometimes memories.  I have had the same recurring dream about him and it has nothing to do with anything we've ever experienced.  He is always about to drown in various bodies of water, he is sinking.  At the last minute I save him.  I believe it's because we've lived it.  Maybe he's been my son.  

The first time you experience a death of someone close to you is probably the most profound experience possible.  When I did three years ago, I believe now I suffered from the beginnings of cotard delusion . I could feel my soul trying to escape, I felt I could barley contain it.  I kept trying to transition. I felt I was flickering and wasn't here in this world. I kept worrying I'd died.  

I've known what it is like to want to die, and what it's like to want to live.  I have had a thing for awhile with wanting to be in the air, off the earth. But as I seek and find my truth in this life, I am far more okay with being rooted to earth. Love is my number one, above all else. It is our essence, after all. I probably love too much, nearing the point of worship. I am so full of it, it hurts sometimes.  

Social media is a blessing and a curse.  I secretly long to live off the grid. I've got a hippie soul. Being in nature away from technology feels most natural.  I believe we are all one. I am another you, you are another me. If we all understood this there would be no enemies, no war. 

I believe happiness is not a place you get to and sustain, but society wants us to think so. All emotions are fleeting. It's okay to exist as something other than happy, and more often than not.  Sometimes I think I feel most in my natural state when I've got a bit of melancholia or nostalgia.  

I wish I was a cosmologist. Science is spiritual. If I could dub my "religion" with the title "Scientific Spirituality", I would. When I remember how we are so much tinier than we can ever comprehend, I want to cry over the fact I'll never be out exploring the universe in this lifetime.  

I feel most like "me" when I forget "me", and experience something that reminds me I am part of something bigger. I believe the universe is kind, and will give you what you need at every single moment.  It might not be what you think you want, and you probably won't fit the puzzle pieces together until far down the road.  Every time you trust your instincts and jump, the universe provides.  Everything is a lesson. And all, all, all, is temporary.  

I don't know if I've ever truly met another of my kind, but take comfort knowing they are out there somewhere, feeling the same way I do.

So, who are you?

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie