"There shall Jane's heart always break"

It's hard to have a second to write all that I have swirling in me now that rehearsals have started, but there are a couple things I need to get out before they're too distant.

I've said before how it feels like you pick up a book and it feels like it's always the exact right time to be reading it?

I was in a play this time last year with an actress who said that pertaining to theatre.  I've thought about it ever since, trying to match up past roles with life and feel like it pertained.  But I kept coming up empty.  As far as a new challenge in an acting career, I agreed.  I've been lucky to keep getting handed a role that happens to be something unlike what I've ever done.  But in relation to life, it hadn't really happened.

Yet.

Monday was the first night of "The Winters Tale" rehearsal, where I listened to the director talk beautifully and passionately about this play being a story of "forgiveness, healing and coming back to life".  The importance of the god Apollo mentioned through the story, who is of course, the god of healing.

I was choked up the entire night.

The read through was magical.  Time was suspended.  Everything was new.

This, along with the youth of the cast makes this feel completely fresh again.  The talk of bravery and guts (you all know brave is my favorite word ever since my favorite acting teacher introduced me to bravery in school in NYC) stirred in me the feelings I used to feel ten years ago when embarking on a play.  The kind of primal excitement and need to do this.  The tingle of the new.

So, clearly I am supposed to have this role, this play, at this time.  Synchronicity.

What a sneaky little universe!

I am beginning to heal and come back to life in my real life slowly and surely.  I want this theatre experience, this "The Winters Tale" to be my own personal Apollo, and I think it just will.


* * *

To remember only the rich parts.  To remember what I want, how I want.
To acknowledge, to get through mourning and to propel.
It does happen.  One day, you realize it's time to move.
Back to life.  Come back to life.
"Gone" is done.  The only choice is new.
Create.  Life.  Go.
To accept and allow and choose consciously.
Forward, forward, forward now.


* * *

I've still got bits of "Lolita" ruminating in me, too.  The last few days have been, well, a lot.  Another goodbye on saturday night, a new adventure beginning on monday.  Big time decisions being made for my life.  Feeling the need for profound change and moving forward now.  No longer time to stew in sadness, but to move ahead.

Dear New York City,
You took yet another away three days ago.  People always leave me on a Sunday.
I have lost (and gained) so much from you.  Lost people, lost loves, lost you.
New York City to me, is where I am Jane...

In me right now, fittingly...

"We all have such fateful objects -- it may be a recurrent landscape in one case, a number in another -- carefully chosen by the gods to attract events of specific significance for us: here shall John always stumble; there shall Jane's heart always break.”

― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita