My New York Diaries - Part 33

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


As much as I hate to say it...Lynne and I had slacked off...a little. I didn't think late nights with The Guy and Ty had affected us, but maybe? One day the two of us were in the green room waiting for our next class to start. It was getting close so as we checked the board with the schedule one last time, we saw that class that day wasn't in that building but at the theatre. Now, this was sometimes the case but we had made an honest mistake in not seeing this. We booked it out of there and ran the couple blocks up and avenues over as fast as we could. It felt like we were running in molasses, like it does in a dream. We weren't going to get there fast enough. We rushed in and ran up the stairs only to have this teacher tell us he was sorry, and in a rather unapologetic tone, and shut the door in our faces. Shit. Remember what I said about not wanting to miss class? It was very frowned upon. And I think Lynne and I were starting to get on our classmates nerves with being in our own little world. I'll never forget the two of us laying on the stairs, panting, knowing that what had just happened was not good. Like I often do, I tried to make light of it and laugh once the initial shock had passed, but she wasn't having it. I didn't know why her reaction was quite that strong. We weren't in danger of getting kicked out. But I think this was the beginning of our "falling out".

When we were no longer in the same classes the final semester, I was bummed. Things began to get awkward between us. She seemed to be befriending those we had complained about before. I was realizing we'd slowly been isolating ourselves, but she was the one I still wanted to hang out with most. I had no interest in bonding with classmates I hadn't gotten close to by this point. I wasn't going to suddenly have a new bestie, so instead I had spring fever.

I had found some of her behavior questionable but never would have stopped being her friend. Like when she chose not to be involved with "Balm in Gilead". She said her bartending job plus school load made it too hard. I was surprised, I mean, why were here then? But I figured she needed to do what she needed to do.

Ty also broke things off with her around this time when he met someone new that he was pretty crazy about.

I remember her telling me that she'd had a conversation with this older red head that was also a student. She was someone the two of us previously said we couldn't stand. She was more of a teachers pet than I'd ever seen anyone be, including elementary school. I got the vibe she thought our behavior was inappropriate, but I found hers to be, too. She was married, but could always be found sitting on the lap of another student who was also married. They were constantly flirting and pretty inseparable and I was always super uncomfortable about it. It was the first time I'd really observed something like that.

Anyway, Lynne told me one day that they'd talked and she'd explained to the red head that the two of us were younger and had bonded and really needed each other and related to each other. The red head explained that since she was much older, she couldn't behave any other way than taking school as seriously as possible. I guess they came to some kind of understanding and I felt both the need to also explain myself to the red head, too (which I never truly would have) and also a bit of betrayal from Lynne.

As we slowly drifted apart, Lynne seemed to get stockholm syndrome from being in class with the red head and really started trying to shape up, or kiss butt, or...I'm not sure what. But it seemed like her final semester was going to include me less and less.

The day she stormed in, I think I asked if she was okay. She responded with "I'm pissed". I asked, "at who?" Truly surprised. She just glared at me. "At me?!" I asked. "Yes!" She said. I can't remember what was said but I was mostly speechless as she told me that she was upset that I had missed another class and was basically upset I wasn't behaving like her. This was the first time I'd ever been on this end of a confrontation and I didn't know how to respond. I do remember that Steve (who was also no longer speaking to me since he thought I'd ratted out his forbidden relationship) was sitting nearby and went into the green room to announce to everyone that Lynne was yelling and we were fighting.

I didn't know what to do. I felt isolated, my feelings were hurt and the thought of school ending was now even more bittersweet. I don't remember if that was our last conversation, but we didn't have many more days left. So we spent them avoiding each other.

How had this happened?

Looking back on it I think it was her version of "tough love" but it was an uncharacteristic way for her to go about it.

All I knew was that the days of myself, The Guy, Lynne and Ty were done. In fact, the days of Lynne were done.


May 30

"...The Guy was now working at a new restaurant. A mexican restaurant in Brooklyn. One night I went to meet him and we got into a little argument over his upcoming Industry Night. Apparently he'd been talking to Lynne about doing a scene together! I was getting upset, I didn't want to, I did not like where it was going. He thought I was mad because I wasn't doing a scene with him. Which had never even crossed my mind. Anyway, that's when he said it. All on his own...he called me his girlfriend! At first I didn't even realize it. He was saying, "I can't do scenes with girlfriends". I was like, "I don't care, I'm doing a scene with Oscar already" blah blah blah. Anyway he had to point it out to me that he was saying the G word. Then when I got it he hurried away to get more drinks. He came back and we went over it again and it seems to stem from talking with Heather. He said he can't bullshit her. She knows how to get things out of him. He figured out how long we've been together - and about time - just what he has! He got jealous hearing about The Star, and seeing a work friend hit on me...

...he said we should try out living together now, when I get back from UT! I said okay and that was it! I'd been wanting to but was going to turn it down if he said it was just for saving money or convenience. I thought we'd really have to sit and hash it all out. But all of a sudden it was just going to happen, and most importantly I wanted to do it because it felt right...

...so fast forward to [a few nights later] searching for the Ex Ex Girlfriend [Who I guess was in town again?] to get MY KEYS, couldn't find her, whatever, went and drank and had a fabulous time. Lots of talking. Getting to know more and more about each other. Getting closer and closer. Loving how he's referring to me as his girlfriend. The next night I went to his play, everyone knew I was the girlfriend at last, I'm introduced, well...yet to hear him introduce me that way, but loving he'd already told people. At the bar he said he's been counting us as 1 & 1/2 years! And at his restaurant when he'd introduced me as a friend, he said it had made him cringe. How I give him his space, all those things added up to his realization...

...being at his show as his girlfriend was awesome. Sitting with his director, talking about him, [and about another student you might have heard of, named Kristin Bell, just before she hit it big!] him kissing me in front of everyone. Watching the next few plays side by side closerthanthis. Acting like - my boyfriend?!"





So for a moment, despite my loss of Lynne and my uncertainty of life after graduation...all was right in the world. The Guy had not only called me his girlfriend but had asked me to move in! The Guy. Maybe I really was about to get everything I'd wanted and waited for for so long!






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html

My New York Diaries - Part 32

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


My mom, Adrianna and her husband flew to NYC to see me in "Balm in Gilead". My dad was too sick at the time to come. And believe me, if my dad couldn't come to something that I was part of then he was sick. Those were the years when he was really in the throes of his illness. Adrianna and her husband were staying in a hotel, my mom with me.

The Star came to one of my performances and sat with my mom and Jenny. Sean, The Guy's little brother happened to be there, too. In the hall at the end of the show The Star rushed up to me and planted one on me. Not a big kiss, but a kiss nonetheless and everyone saw. Including Sean. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

Later I found out that Sean had told The Guy and it made The Guy jealous! I was never more grateful for having met The Star.

The Guy came to see my show and afterwards we went out for drinks with Jenny.




May 30

"...I got up to go to the bathroom at some point. I came back and The Guy got up and Jenny start telling me how she had said, "you have a great girl there", and he said he knew, I was great, I was amazing and how the one thing he wished he could give me was confidence. Confidence in "us". That when he talks to another girl friend or hangs out with another girl it doesn't mean anything. I'm Deena. Well that did it. That's all I needed to hear. And that's when everything changed. The rest of the night was awesome..."

"...I did school and shows and hung out with my mom. How crazy the next time we're in NY it's me living there, shes' staying in my apartment instead of a hotel, seeing my play in which I am the lead, my graduation!"

"...The Guy called one night but I couldn't go out, so we planned tuesday. My mom would be leaving in the morning and it was his day off. "



My mom met Sean, the three of us went out to my favorite mexican restaurant one afternoon. But she never did meet The Guy. Adrianna and her husband met him, though. After the two of them saw my show we went out for drinks. Sean came too. I remember having a great time but later her husband told my mom he didn't see the two of us working out. I wonder what we came across like, so many years ago. I wonder what he observed. Something? Maybe nothing. Who knows. I don't remember the conversations of that night but I still have the pictures.

I remember putting my mom in a cab then heading downtown to meet The Guy for a movie.



"...things were still different. Good different for once in my life. Walking and talking, his hand on the small of my back. Saying, "I finally confessed to Heather." (*Heather had been a teacher of both of ours. She was smart and tough and great. He kept in touch with her since he'd graduated and would meet her for lunch occasionally.) Telling me how he told her how long we'd been dating and then freaking out about it. Then at the movie he kept a hand on my leg. We went out for wine with Sean then back home I was complaining about how I was about to be homeless and he said, "yeah, we gotta talk about that.". I got a funny feeling when he said that, but said nothing. The next morning we were laying on the couch wrapped in sheets when he said, "let's have a relationship talk". Let's not! "I was thinking, since we both need a place to live, for the sake of saving money, we could conceivably move in together." Ten million thoughts just went through my mind in a split second. Did he really just say that? He went on to say how he doesn't know if it would work, he's been talking it over with Ty for awhile, Ty didn't think it was such a good idea since he's about, "seen us kill each other a couple of times" and how he didn't even think it was a good idea. He pulled out a notebook and started going over mathematical figures of what it would cost to move into and live in a two bedroom apartment. How it was small and we'd all need to have our lives outside of it for it to work. This was all coming at me so fast. I couldn't process it. He wanted us to debate, to take turns arguing sides. He kept asking me what I thought. I couldn't say. I needed to let this in! He said to talk to Lynne and Jenny to get clarity, opinions, etc. He said Lynne would be against, Jenny for (of course). He said I needed to talk to them because, "there are too may smiles right now". I said, "I'm just surprised". He said, "well it's a surprising question." I said, "can I think about it and we'll talk about it over the next little while?" He said, "like over the next few months?" Yes. Okay. He used a term that caught my attention. He said, "we could potentially break up." Break up? He was also talking in long term, like if it didn't work out we'd just be signed for that first year. Year? He did say some typical things that I could have done without. Like, "and if you decide to date other people you just can't have sex at our place". God. Then we got into a huge discussion about the Ex Ex Girlfriend. She had been in town! She slept in the same fucking bed as him! She'd try to cuddle up to him! He said he didn't tell me because he thought I'd freak out. He didn't bring her to my play because she wasn't worthy. She got upset when he didn't come home that night and why do I think we slept at my place that night? He kept saying how disgusting she was, how she had no soul. Anyway, I'm getting sick just writing about her..."



We had one last showcase on the main stage to do before graduation. This was something our class put together ourselves. We each had to write a script. If I remember correctly it was about ten pages. They'd chose a few that we'd actually perform and we'd be cast and could even direct if we wanted. I wrote about a guy and a girl in a relationship where the guy wouldn't commit. As she leaves him, she gives (or maybe recites, I can't remember now) this poem she'd written:

THE HEART
I've spent a lifetime preparing for you.
Clearing my heart out for you.
Making your space ready.
But you aren't available to fill it.
But someone else will take it. One day.
The heart can wait.
It can listen.
It can hold out.
It can accept and it can reject.
But it makes it's own decisions
and on it's own time.
But it will be filled.
The heart does not remain vacant forever.
A love will find it that will be the perfect size.
An exact fit.
Made to measure.
And it will feed it.
And it will grow.
And it will be satisfied.



My "play" was more of a diary / fantasy of what I wasn't able to do in my real life. I knew it wasn't going to be chosen as a performance piece but I wrote what I knew. What I was living and I felt very brave to bare my soul to my classmates, as each play was read out loud.

School was almost over. What now? Was I really going to live with The Guy? When would I perform again? What kind of job would I get now? Could I do it? Survive in this city, in this life, with these people?

Little did I know a chain of events were about to happen that would leave me feeling like I'd just stood in front of a firing squad. The first was losing Lynne. She was a once in a lifetime friend and it never crossed my mind we wouldn't always be friends. But there had been some weirdness lately, and on one of the last days of school she came in like I'd never seen before. Fuming. When she loudly announced in front of everyone, "I am pissed", it took me a minute to realize she was saying she was pissed at me.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html

"Good Things Utah" appearance

On thursday I went on a local morning TV show, "Good Things Utah" I may be back on...you just never know! ;)

Here's the interview:

http://www.abc4.com/content/about_4/gtu/featured_on/story/Deena-Marie/CxeFmqihYkC7kvnS9eEXIA.cspx

Lana Del Rey

The other day I saw that my friend Billy had posted a video on facebook. I rarely watch videos people post, so I don't know why I clicked on it (if I do click on one, I almost never make it past the first 10 seconds).

When I started "Born to Die" by Lana Del Rey I was instantly in love. Her voice, the words, her look, the video. Oh my god. My new favorite. I've listened to it now more times than I can count, as well as all of her other songs that are online.

Her debut album comes out later this month.

Her music is so heartbreaking to me. So visceral. I can't get enough, it hurts so good.


"Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why"

I'm baaaaack! Poetry writing me.

I used to write poetry like crazy. I have a large collection I'm very proud of and I WILL have them published somehow, someday. Over the years as life settled into routine and work and normalcy my poetry well dried up and went away. I missed it, but I couldn't force it. I thought it was something I would never need or be able to do again, even though I longed for it. But the last year and few months especially makes me think something is stirring in me once again. I have come into contact with new muses and new experiences and as I'm processing, I feel words bubbling.

I feel myself begin to need this once again. I think this is the year for some new...stuff.

I can only hope it will be as good as it once was.

My poetry collection:
http://deenamariepoetry.blogspot.com/

Love letters, submitted anonymously that really inspired me when I discovered this site last night.
http://collectiveexperience.org/love/sugar/letter.html

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie