I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Adrianna was staying in a hotel in midtown. She had plans with her friends during her visit, but she made a lot of time to hang out with me. I remember one of the first things we did was go to lunch. I wanted to eat at TGIF and she couldn't believe I wanted to go to a restaurant I could go to any time, rather than somewhere particular to NYC. She reluctantly agreed and while she made it known she wasn't happy with my choice, I felt a little comfort in something familiar.
I remember bits and pieces of her vacation. I remember trying to keep my sadness from her but eventually I let it all out.
I remember going to see "The Rocky Horror Show" with her and getting the time wrong and making us a half hour late. I remember going to an audition or two. I remember being glad she was staying in midtown and I didn't have to spend all my time in The Bronx.
One night we went to The Donkey Show. This was an off broadway musical based loosely on Midsummer Nights Dream. It was set inside a club and took place around and in the audience, stages, stairs and booths. The music was all disco. Songs the characters sang included "Ring my Bell" and "Don't Leave me this way". Puck was on roller skates and painted gold from head to toe.
I spent my saturday nights ninth through twelfth grade going disco skating. I was obsessed and convinced I was born in the wrong decade. Discovering the Donkey Show was life changing. And in face, I'd later have a very personal experience with the show.
We stayed long after the show was over. We drank, danced on the speakers and had a fabulous time. Eventually we went back to her hotel and I think this was the night she tells me we got cigarettes and tried to smoke them in the hotel room at the window. I have no memory of this!
Her trip was such a strange time for me. I went from muffling my sadness to pouring my heart out. I never liked to (and still don't) admit if something is wrong or show any kind of weakness. But I needed someone to talk to, more than I knew. I needed someone older and wiser and objective to what I was going through and what life was like at barely twenty years old.
One of her last nights there we went to a bar at the top of a hotel that slowly spun in a circle. I thought it was the absolute coolest. That is until I came back from the bathroom and my seat had moved and I had a moment of panic before I found it again.
This was the night that Adrianna, who always seemed so cool calm and collected, poured her heart out to me. I saw her become completely emotional and tell me things that blew my little mind at the time. I also felt comfort seeing that she had bad times, struggles and issues too. It meant a lot to me at my low point to see cracks in her typically together demeanor.
More of the same entry from the previous blog (which I wrote on summer vacation at home in SLC).
June 3
"...at first I didn't want her to [Adrianna coming to visit]. I felt horrible, I didn't want to have to put on a happy face and I've never felt close to her. The trip was weird, I still knew I was not myself and began to worry about myself. But I saw Rocky Horror and Donkey Show and stayed in a hotel on 34th and 8th and ended up having some great talks with Adrianna. Especially on the last night. She opened up to me and I saw her at her most vulnerable. I saw the Adrianna that is so deeply hurt, but never admitting it. I saw she does have pain, saw her as a completely different person. I think we did a lot of good for each other.
...I cannot ever be thankful enough for our talks about sex. I so desperately needed to talk to a family member about it...now I have a fresh new perspective and feel so at peace.
I turned twenty this year. I'm still having a hard time with that one, but it's getting easier. I thought I was so old. No longer a teen, but at this very moment I feel much more at peace with everything and I feel that it could be the start of something new. A brand new, completely different chapter of my life.
Before I came to SLC I realized I'd become my own worst enemy. Always pushing myself, yelling at myself, beating myself up. Losing confidence, self esteem and knowing I was the only one taking it away. Here and now I'm rediscovering myself, getting to know myself, maybe learning who I am and what I want to be at last. So much darkness has passed in and through me and my entire family this year. One thing after another since my move.
Now I feel happy again but I still find myself holding my breath. I don't want it to disappear. The Guy, Rob back in my life and finding closure here with certain issues. I hope it's real. It's so needed, so deserved. For the first time in a year I'm finding myself living in the moment, too. And learning to like myself again. Feeling much more connected to myself again. All I can do and hope for is to build from here.
One lesson I learned this year was to be proud and happy, sometimes satisfied in my work. What a feeling, to be proud, confident in my acting. Trying to remember to "wipe my feet at the door". I'm trying to apply it to my every day life as well. I thought nothing of my major move and what I would go through, what it all entailed, but now I am so proud of myself. So glad the hardest part is behind me. I'm to be commended. I've asked a lot of myself and always come through despite being ruled by a slave driver - me. It's time to respect and take time with myself and make friends with myself.
I've also learned that other people are not ever going to be perfect, and to take them for what they are, learn from them and know I don't have to try to change them or abandon them as friends because they aren't perfect. If I don't then nobody, including myself, will ever live up to my expectations because perfection doesn't exist.
I'm starting at CAP 21 [NYU's Musical Theater program] on June 25 for six weeks. I see a glimmer of light at the end of my tunnel. I'm full of hope again. My hope will get me there. My determination will get me through. I'm not going to lose my sense of self again in the shuffles. And I have to learn not to be scared, not to have fear, but to just be me. Just be Deena. "
* * * * * * * * * *
This section feels like a strange and emotional time of transitioning and trying to feel, to catch up with myself. I think I did, as best as I knew how. But believe me when I say that up until this point...it's only the beginning. Stay tuned.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Jun 29, 2011
Jun 27, 2011
Make it so.
Just wanted to tell you two things.
1.) I'll resume the NYC blogs in the next day or two.
2.) I've decided today that I'm going to make all of my wildest dreams come true. Simple as that. There is no other way. You hear me, universe? Let's make it so.
1.) I'll resume the NYC blogs in the next day or two.
2.) I've decided today that I'm going to make all of my wildest dreams come true. Simple as that. There is no other way. You hear me, universe? Let's make it so.
Jun 25, 2011
"happy & healthy" - blog by Leann Rimes
PLEASE read:
"I love you and want to see you happy and healthy"
http://www.leannrimesworld.com/blog/leann-rimes-cmt-new-original-movie-reel-love
WELL SAID, Leann Rimes!
My sentiments exactly.
tweet me: @deenamarie
"I love you and want to see you happy and healthy"
http://www.leannrimesworld.com/blog/leann-rimes-cmt-new-original-movie-reel-love
WELL SAID, Leann Rimes!
My sentiments exactly.
tweet me: @deenamarie
Jun 23, 2011
Buzzin' around.
It's a busy time!
Had to get some important things filmed and sent off.
But made sure to take a real important pic or two while at the studio.
Got to have lunch with my friend Kori who I haven't seen in ages. She has a 7 month old now and he's pretty much the cutest baby I've ever seen in my life.
Still getting in my gym time, week four and I'm addicted!
Tomorrow night is the Black Chandelier runway show. A combination of models body painted by local artists as well as lovely wardrobe. Yours truly? Paint only. Oh my.
That's me on the poster.
Saturday morning my dear friend Gabe is in town and we get to have brunch.
Saturday night I'm judging a talent contest, just call me Simon.
Sunday is our "Hair" reunion. Yes, the tribe is [almost] all in town and we'll be having a pool party, one year later!
Got a pic back from last weeks Fashion Stroll, but still waiting to see more from all the lines and creations I got to wear.
Especially the one with the sandwich hat on my head. Yeah, you heard me.
Planning my time in NYC. Figuring out my schedule, when to see shows, deciding what shows to see and coordinating with friends in the city. I can't wait. I'm so excited I can't stand it. Especially in the midst of writing "my new york diaries". It will be interesting to see how I feel on this trip, particularly. Right now, the time can't come fast enough. Although I wish I would've tacked another day or two onto my trip now.
That's it for now!
Tweet me @DeenaMarie
Had to get some important things filmed and sent off.
But made sure to take a real important pic or two while at the studio.
Got to have lunch with my friend Kori who I haven't seen in ages. She has a 7 month old now and he's pretty much the cutest baby I've ever seen in my life.
Still getting in my gym time, week four and I'm addicted!
Tomorrow night is the Black Chandelier runway show. A combination of models body painted by local artists as well as lovely wardrobe. Yours truly? Paint only. Oh my.
That's me on the poster.
Saturday morning my dear friend Gabe is in town and we get to have brunch.
Saturday night I'm judging a talent contest, just call me Simon.
Sunday is our "Hair" reunion. Yes, the tribe is [almost] all in town and we'll be having a pool party, one year later!
Got a pic back from last weeks Fashion Stroll, but still waiting to see more from all the lines and creations I got to wear.
Especially the one with the sandwich hat on my head. Yeah, you heard me.
Planning my time in NYC. Figuring out my schedule, when to see shows, deciding what shows to see and coordinating with friends in the city. I can't wait. I'm so excited I can't stand it. Especially in the midst of writing "my new york diaries". It will be interesting to see how I feel on this trip, particularly. Right now, the time can't come fast enough. Although I wish I would've tacked another day or two onto my trip now.
That's it for now!
Tweet me @DeenaMarie
Jun 21, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 11
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
After school wrapped up the second semester we were done for the year. Wow. My first year of Acting School in NYC! It was a year of such change, and all at once. Leaving everything and everyone I'd ever known at home. Moving away from my childhood home to be in NYC. Having to find an apartment. Having to learn the subway system. Not even knowing how to do my own laundry or cook a thing. Thrown into a city where I could get into clubs and bars under age. Falling head over heels for The Guy. The heavy school load. Going from getting every leading role in every show I'd ever wanted, feeling like the "chosen one" to being just another student. I wasn't used to that. Was I still special? None of us even being allowed to audition for the first year. Not knowing how to take care of myself or my body. Making poor decisions. Overeating. Drinking too much.
When I'd first moved there I was timid. I felt out of place. I felt scared. It was in my body language and I wasn't even aware of it at first. I moved timidly through the streets, literally, and was constantly being bumped into and shoved. I soon did a 180 and was barreling my way through the streets in no time. But I didn't realize I was over compensating. Approaching everything as if someone was out to get me. Behaving rudely off the bat in order to survive. Shoving back. So many people seemed to be rude. Sales people everywhere were so different than they were in SLC. I couldn't believe it. I took on their behavior but it began to eat away at me.
I was having a hard time with marrying my NYC and SLC lives. My life in SLC had changed, I'd changed, friendships there had changed. Even my home life had changed and my childhood home and beloved bedroom was no more.
I was hoping to move out of my apt. in the Bronx sometime the next year, I was dying to be in the city. I was hoping to find a sense of home in NYC.
It was all too much. Too much for 19 year old me to take on and process in a healthy way. When school was out I fell into a sadness. A sadness I didn't want to admit to.
My journals jump here, I went awhile without writing. But thankfully the next entry is practically a summary of what was going on during that time.
June 3
"Where to begin Where to even begin? So here I am, come full circle back in SLC. The snow globe, no, my snow globe, enclosed in those mountains I once wanted to be gone from. I think about all that went on on this snow globe alone, how much has and is and always will go on outside of it. How it once was my world, my oyster, and how now the mountains have closed in a little. A little more each time I'm home. How good it smells here. How safe it feels. How peaceful, how easy, how perfect it is. I'm constantly evolving, always changing, learning and growing. Realizing, realizing! What a time for reflection it's been. What a dark period I'm out of now. Knowing how to answer the question of how life is in NYC.
I'm happy. I'm scared to even write it. So many things I'm scared to write, feel, think. I'm afraid if I'm at peace, and even dare to breathe it will all disappear. I feel the shattered, out of order pieces of my life falling, sliding into place and I don't want to lose that. Something tells me I wont know that I've survived the toughest year of my life and can come out on top. There's been so many versions of me. I feel like they were different people. Tonight my mom said she felt as though I put myself on hold while in NYC this first year. I agree. I was on auto pilot.
Now that I'm home to reflect and re-gather myself, I can't believe how tough this year was. I'd never want to live it again. I didn't have time to think about what I was doing. I never let it sink in the entire time I was there. I feel as though I've wasted a year of my life. Or an important few months, anyway. Not in the way of pursuing my goals, chasing a dream or working on the career, but personally. I was neglectful, stupid and completely abusive. Destructive, even. I was letting my body go. I couldn't get myself straightened out in the way of what was now "right" or "wrong". Doing anything and everything along the way because I wasn't myself. I was desperately and rapidly trying to put all these pieces together, to build a life. A new identity. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to be a party girl. A lot of drunken nights I'd like to forget. Friends (okay, Martha) that I didn't like. Trying to like Mark, sleeping with him, finding disappointments and no satisfaction along the way. Chaos. Complete chaos.
I don't remember what Christmas vacation was to me there. Something other than what I wanted or expected, I'm sure, since that was always the case with me. Realizing how fucking fat I was, not seeing Rob and thinking our friendship was just one more thing I'd fucked up. Getting my act together a bit more and determined to work harder when I'd go home. Today is the first day I can write. Really write, honestly and deeply. It was always so therapeutic. And it really shows me how much I put myself on the back burner. If I even put myself on a burner at all, because something had happened to me there. I so desperately needed to write, but every time I'd try, I couldn't. I couldn't have if my life depended on it.
Anyway, I don't even remember my plane ride home from Christmas vacation. I do remember opening that door to my room that morning in the Bronx, laying out my clothes from y suitcase so they wouldn't look too awful, laying down and falling asleep for barely two hours in the wee hours of the morning before I had to be at work study. How that room was musty. Unfeeling, suddenly. How I had one week of work study to make up before school started. How I'd run up my cell phone bill a thousand dollars and had no phone. How I felt sad but didn't dare to think of it so I could still thrive somehow...
...the first six weeks of that spring semester much better. Me busting my ass big time for school. Me going back to SLC for one week of spring break. Such weird, bad energy. It all happened so fast. I didn't tell friends I'd be home. It was so boring all day by myself I would have been better off in NYC. Even The Guy called! The next and last six weeks of the spring semester were much more lazy. More positive in some ways, but at the same time the worst of my life. I was done with the god damn technique, I felt schooled - out. I was more homesick each passing day. Realizing my joy was performing. Plays, which I hadn't done since september.
I hated Martha and loathed the thought of her in my apartment. I hated my fucking apartment. Hated the neighborhood. The fuckers that yell and stare and hiss on the streets and in the deli's I'm forced to go to right by my place, where I couldn't stay out of during a sugar (namely cookie) addiction (which I've now conquered, thank god). I'd eat a whole fucking bag by myself in two days!
The subway rides were getting longer and even more grueling each ride. By the time school was out I found myself at an all time low. I was so depressed. I'd watch t.v. all day and night. For one weekend I was actually even panicked to walk outside, let alone peel myself up out of bed to walk to the bathroom. When I went outside I was scared, confused and disoriented. I couldn't make any kind of decisions. I didn't have a desire to do a thing. I was lethargic.
But now that I'm reflecting it wasn't all bad. In school, second semester totally surpassed fall semester. I absolutely loved my group and grew like you wouldn't believe as an actress. I went on an incredible journey with "Golden Boy" as well as closed my first year with it by having the last scene of it on the last day of the last class with Tucker. I was one of three first years to do the All School Presentation, and the only first year to do a scene for Mamet.
I ended up getting my ass to auditions, though. Some bad, some good. Then my aunt Adrianna came to visit..."
Adrianna was the aunt who was best friends with Kyle. Kyle from the very beginning of my NYC journey. She had lived in NYC herself, for ten years. At first she worked as a nanny then later in the legal field. She had her share of crazy stories, nights out, good and bad apartments, friends and broken hearts. She often came to NYC to visit.
She was coming right smack in the middle of my darkest hour. I wasn't really up for visitors...but maybe someone was about to come who would truly understand? A lot happened during her visit that I'll always remember. That part of the story will come next.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
After school wrapped up the second semester we were done for the year. Wow. My first year of Acting School in NYC! It was a year of such change, and all at once. Leaving everything and everyone I'd ever known at home. Moving away from my childhood home to be in NYC. Having to find an apartment. Having to learn the subway system. Not even knowing how to do my own laundry or cook a thing. Thrown into a city where I could get into clubs and bars under age. Falling head over heels for The Guy. The heavy school load. Going from getting every leading role in every show I'd ever wanted, feeling like the "chosen one" to being just another student. I wasn't used to that. Was I still special? None of us even being allowed to audition for the first year. Not knowing how to take care of myself or my body. Making poor decisions. Overeating. Drinking too much.
When I'd first moved there I was timid. I felt out of place. I felt scared. It was in my body language and I wasn't even aware of it at first. I moved timidly through the streets, literally, and was constantly being bumped into and shoved. I soon did a 180 and was barreling my way through the streets in no time. But I didn't realize I was over compensating. Approaching everything as if someone was out to get me. Behaving rudely off the bat in order to survive. Shoving back. So many people seemed to be rude. Sales people everywhere were so different than they were in SLC. I couldn't believe it. I took on their behavior but it began to eat away at me.
I was having a hard time with marrying my NYC and SLC lives. My life in SLC had changed, I'd changed, friendships there had changed. Even my home life had changed and my childhood home and beloved bedroom was no more.
I was hoping to move out of my apt. in the Bronx sometime the next year, I was dying to be in the city. I was hoping to find a sense of home in NYC.
It was all too much. Too much for 19 year old me to take on and process in a healthy way. When school was out I fell into a sadness. A sadness I didn't want to admit to.
My journals jump here, I went awhile without writing. But thankfully the next entry is practically a summary of what was going on during that time.
June 3
"Where to begin Where to even begin? So here I am, come full circle back in SLC. The snow globe, no, my snow globe, enclosed in those mountains I once wanted to be gone from. I think about all that went on on this snow globe alone, how much has and is and always will go on outside of it. How it once was my world, my oyster, and how now the mountains have closed in a little. A little more each time I'm home. How good it smells here. How safe it feels. How peaceful, how easy, how perfect it is. I'm constantly evolving, always changing, learning and growing. Realizing, realizing! What a time for reflection it's been. What a dark period I'm out of now. Knowing how to answer the question of how life is in NYC.
I'm happy. I'm scared to even write it. So many things I'm scared to write, feel, think. I'm afraid if I'm at peace, and even dare to breathe it will all disappear. I feel the shattered, out of order pieces of my life falling, sliding into place and I don't want to lose that. Something tells me I wont know that I've survived the toughest year of my life and can come out on top. There's been so many versions of me. I feel like they were different people. Tonight my mom said she felt as though I put myself on hold while in NYC this first year. I agree. I was on auto pilot.
Now that I'm home to reflect and re-gather myself, I can't believe how tough this year was. I'd never want to live it again. I didn't have time to think about what I was doing. I never let it sink in the entire time I was there. I feel as though I've wasted a year of my life. Or an important few months, anyway. Not in the way of pursuing my goals, chasing a dream or working on the career, but personally. I was neglectful, stupid and completely abusive. Destructive, even. I was letting my body go. I couldn't get myself straightened out in the way of what was now "right" or "wrong". Doing anything and everything along the way because I wasn't myself. I was desperately and rapidly trying to put all these pieces together, to build a life. A new identity. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to be a party girl. A lot of drunken nights I'd like to forget. Friends (okay, Martha) that I didn't like. Trying to like Mark, sleeping with him, finding disappointments and no satisfaction along the way. Chaos. Complete chaos.
I don't remember what Christmas vacation was to me there. Something other than what I wanted or expected, I'm sure, since that was always the case with me. Realizing how fucking fat I was, not seeing Rob and thinking our friendship was just one more thing I'd fucked up. Getting my act together a bit more and determined to work harder when I'd go home. Today is the first day I can write. Really write, honestly and deeply. It was always so therapeutic. And it really shows me how much I put myself on the back burner. If I even put myself on a burner at all, because something had happened to me there. I so desperately needed to write, but every time I'd try, I couldn't. I couldn't have if my life depended on it.
Anyway, I don't even remember my plane ride home from Christmas vacation. I do remember opening that door to my room that morning in the Bronx, laying out my clothes from y suitcase so they wouldn't look too awful, laying down and falling asleep for barely two hours in the wee hours of the morning before I had to be at work study. How that room was musty. Unfeeling, suddenly. How I had one week of work study to make up before school started. How I'd run up my cell phone bill a thousand dollars and had no phone. How I felt sad but didn't dare to think of it so I could still thrive somehow...
...the first six weeks of that spring semester much better. Me busting my ass big time for school. Me going back to SLC for one week of spring break. Such weird, bad energy. It all happened so fast. I didn't tell friends I'd be home. It was so boring all day by myself I would have been better off in NYC. Even The Guy called! The next and last six weeks of the spring semester were much more lazy. More positive in some ways, but at the same time the worst of my life. I was done with the god damn technique, I felt schooled - out. I was more homesick each passing day. Realizing my joy was performing. Plays, which I hadn't done since september.
I hated Martha and loathed the thought of her in my apartment. I hated my fucking apartment. Hated the neighborhood. The fuckers that yell and stare and hiss on the streets and in the deli's I'm forced to go to right by my place, where I couldn't stay out of during a sugar (namely cookie) addiction (which I've now conquered, thank god). I'd eat a whole fucking bag by myself in two days!
The subway rides were getting longer and even more grueling each ride. By the time school was out I found myself at an all time low. I was so depressed. I'd watch t.v. all day and night. For one weekend I was actually even panicked to walk outside, let alone peel myself up out of bed to walk to the bathroom. When I went outside I was scared, confused and disoriented. I couldn't make any kind of decisions. I didn't have a desire to do a thing. I was lethargic.
But now that I'm reflecting it wasn't all bad. In school, second semester totally surpassed fall semester. I absolutely loved my group and grew like you wouldn't believe as an actress. I went on an incredible journey with "Golden Boy" as well as closed my first year with it by having the last scene of it on the last day of the last class with Tucker. I was one of three first years to do the All School Presentation, and the only first year to do a scene for Mamet.
I ended up getting my ass to auditions, though. Some bad, some good. Then my aunt Adrianna came to visit..."
Adrianna was the aunt who was best friends with Kyle. Kyle from the very beginning of my NYC journey. She had lived in NYC herself, for ten years. At first she worked as a nanny then later in the legal field. She had her share of crazy stories, nights out, good and bad apartments, friends and broken hearts. She often came to NYC to visit.
She was coming right smack in the middle of my darkest hour. I wasn't really up for visitors...but maybe someone was about to come who would truly understand? A lot happened during her visit that I'll always remember. That part of the story will come next.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Jun 20, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 10
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
March 30
"Well, last night was my birthday party. Last night was my first night out with The Guy. This isn't sounding like how I wanted it to. Maybe I shouldn't write just yet. I need to just listen to my music and think. Rewind and replay. He's courteous. He's gentlemanly. He's so incredibly beautiful. I forget what it's like to wake up next to someone. I could get used to that. I'm so scared. So terrified out of my mind yet I want to make an effort with him. I want to call him right now so bad my heart hurts. And that's what's scariest of all."
April 6
"One week since that delicious party. Well, I hadn't talked to Jenny since the night before I left for spring break...
[during spring break The Guy called wanting to get together, not realizing I was out of town. I couldn't believe the timing. It was also a strange time for me to be home. I'll elaborate more on this in the book but things had changed at home and this was the first time in my life I returned "home", but not to my childhood house. A lot was changing in my life. In my parallel lives, you could say. It was all at once. It was strange for me but I pushed my feelings aside, wanting to quickly return to NYC]
...so before my party we planned to meet at 8 at Java Shop. Flash back to a few days earlier making fliers in The Lounge, The Guy seeing them and inviting himself. So as I'm walking into Java, I check my messages...The Guy's trying to pass time until 10. So he meets us. He buys my drinks.
[I learn that his ex had moved to NYC with him from Louisiana]
We got to the Mars Bar. Me, The Guy, Jenny, her new boyfriend, the boy that had the party with goldschlager, Bobby, Oscar and his new girlfriend, Mark, Lynne and more. Martha showing up with a bouquet of flowers. Such great vibes. I was in all my birthday glory. Best birthday in a long time. Beats slumber parties. The Guy buys me food and drinks, and my friends buy me food and drinks and I'm told I'm not allowed to pay for a thing. I get a free mudslide on the bartender.
[It's amazing that I was almost never carded, and not on this night. We told everyone that I was turning 21, rather than 20 and nobody ever asked for proof!]
Then we move to St. James Place. Crazy, crazy night. Each place was an adventure in itself. Lots of dancing going on and I get The Guy to dance with me. A big deal for someone who "doesn't dance". Here, he asks me if I remember stairwells. If I ever think about them. Does he? Yes. Frequently? Yes. The bartender gives me a free birthday shot. The Guy gets me a midori sour on his own, remembering it's my favorite, although earlier swaying me to drink a long island iced tea. Then there were some men, one in a sparkly black dress, not like a drag queen but god knows why. And they want to take a picture with me, so I do. Mistake. Then they come back wanting to take a picture of me kissing the dress boy. Uh, no. Then there's the third place. The sexy greek place. By this time it's only me, The Guy, Jenny and her boyfriend, Oscar, one more guy friend and Martha. Sexy, sexy place. Me dancing up there with Jenny. Oscar and Jenny's boyfriend told by The Guy that he likes it better sitting down so he can watch me. Flashback of earlier in the night when he tells me seeing me dance was just one more thing to intimidate him. Even earlier flashback, he says he almost chickens out of coming to my party, and telling himself to "just call her!" But I got him up and we danced together. Since the last bar, lots of smooching...
...this time I'm able to take him up on his offer of going home with him...
...we fall asleep. The alarm goes off two and a half hours later but we don't get up. He puts his arm around me tightly, kissing my shoulder...I wake up all through the morning, knowing he needs to be at a rehearsal but I'm in a haze. I have to keep looking at him. I can't believe he's really there. It's The Guy. Making sure he doesn't disappear. Eventually we're forced to get up. He's two hours late. Shit. Then all day I wonder if going home with him was right. And I know I'm okay when I see him later at school. And then almost every day after at school..."
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
March 30
"Well, last night was my birthday party. Last night was my first night out with The Guy. This isn't sounding like how I wanted it to. Maybe I shouldn't write just yet. I need to just listen to my music and think. Rewind and replay. He's courteous. He's gentlemanly. He's so incredibly beautiful. I forget what it's like to wake up next to someone. I could get used to that. I'm so scared. So terrified out of my mind yet I want to make an effort with him. I want to call him right now so bad my heart hurts. And that's what's scariest of all."
April 6
"One week since that delicious party. Well, I hadn't talked to Jenny since the night before I left for spring break...
[during spring break The Guy called wanting to get together, not realizing I was out of town. I couldn't believe the timing. It was also a strange time for me to be home. I'll elaborate more on this in the book but things had changed at home and this was the first time in my life I returned "home", but not to my childhood house. A lot was changing in my life. In my parallel lives, you could say. It was all at once. It was strange for me but I pushed my feelings aside, wanting to quickly return to NYC]
...so before my party we planned to meet at 8 at Java Shop. Flash back to a few days earlier making fliers in The Lounge, The Guy seeing them and inviting himself. So as I'm walking into Java, I check my messages...The Guy's trying to pass time until 10. So he meets us. He buys my drinks.
[I learn that his ex had moved to NYC with him from Louisiana]
We got to the Mars Bar. Me, The Guy, Jenny, her new boyfriend, the boy that had the party with goldschlager, Bobby, Oscar and his new girlfriend, Mark, Lynne and more. Martha showing up with a bouquet of flowers. Such great vibes. I was in all my birthday glory. Best birthday in a long time. Beats slumber parties. The Guy buys me food and drinks, and my friends buy me food and drinks and I'm told I'm not allowed to pay for a thing. I get a free mudslide on the bartender.
[It's amazing that I was almost never carded, and not on this night. We told everyone that I was turning 21, rather than 20 and nobody ever asked for proof!]
Then we move to St. James Place. Crazy, crazy night. Each place was an adventure in itself. Lots of dancing going on and I get The Guy to dance with me. A big deal for someone who "doesn't dance". Here, he asks me if I remember stairwells. If I ever think about them. Does he? Yes. Frequently? Yes. The bartender gives me a free birthday shot. The Guy gets me a midori sour on his own, remembering it's my favorite, although earlier swaying me to drink a long island iced tea. Then there were some men, one in a sparkly black dress, not like a drag queen but god knows why. And they want to take a picture with me, so I do. Mistake. Then they come back wanting to take a picture of me kissing the dress boy. Uh, no. Then there's the third place. The sexy greek place. By this time it's only me, The Guy, Jenny and her boyfriend, Oscar, one more guy friend and Martha. Sexy, sexy place. Me dancing up there with Jenny. Oscar and Jenny's boyfriend told by The Guy that he likes it better sitting down so he can watch me. Flashback of earlier in the night when he tells me seeing me dance was just one more thing to intimidate him. Even earlier flashback, he says he almost chickens out of coming to my party, and telling himself to "just call her!" But I got him up and we danced together. Since the last bar, lots of smooching...
...this time I'm able to take him up on his offer of going home with him...
...we fall asleep. The alarm goes off two and a half hours later but we don't get up. He puts his arm around me tightly, kissing my shoulder...I wake up all through the morning, knowing he needs to be at a rehearsal but I'm in a haze. I have to keep looking at him. I can't believe he's really there. It's The Guy. Making sure he doesn't disappear. Eventually we're forced to get up. He's two hours late. Shit. Then all day I wonder if going home with him was right. And I know I'm okay when I see him later at school. And then almost every day after at school..."
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Jun 18, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 9
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I couldn't sleep for three nights leading up to David Mamets visit.
March 25
"I feel as though I'm married to my career. Sometimes I feel it's my career, other times I feel like I'm just kidding myself. Is it a big deal I pursued my dream? It never feels like it. Is there something to be said for what I've done? Am I really about to perform for David Mamet tomorrow? If I live through it...what does it say? What does it mean to be picked? My birthday is in two days. What does it mean to be twenty? What should I have accomplished? Am I giving it my all?"
David Mamet was scary. There we were, students from every class crammed into one of the bigger studios. It seemed like an eternity waiting to perform. When it was finally time I was beyond nervous. We never got through the entire scene. Some scenes did and some didn't. He kept stopping to critique, make changes, have us start again, etc. That was basically what his master class consisted of. It's all kind of a blur.
I just remember he was loud and intimidating. I do remember that later he had picked an unassuming older red head girl from another scene to be in one of his movies. I was always in awe that things like that really did happen and bummed that he hadn't chosen me to be his next star. All in all, performing in school for David Mamet is something not many people can claim, and I'm very proud of that.
Master classes were something that happened regularly at school. My two favorites were John Ritter and Mary Steenburgen. John was so funny and made me laugh out loud. My favorite part was (which was in line with the schools philosophy) when you're onstage "it's all in". If you ignore something happening it's no longer believable. Yes, it seems obvious but you'd be surprised. He told us about an example of a glass shattering all over the stage and the barefoot actor actually walking across it, refusing to address it! His impression of the actor doing this was hilarious. He also told us about timid actors who didn't take the stage and a performance where an actor basically stood half in the curtains and shadows on the side of the stage! Again, his reenactment was hysterical.
There'd be a time the next year I'd get to have a long conversation with him. More on that later.
Mary Steengurgens class was one of the most inspirational experiences I've ever had to this day. I'll never forget it. She's so beautiful in person, she glows. She spoke to my heart. Even now, writing about her I get choked up. She spoke of her time in NYC going to school, training and doing plays still on a very small scale, just trying to "make it" like any of us that were sitting in the room listening to her. She talked about looking in the mirror and asking herself if she'd be happy if this was it. If this was "as good as it gets". It made me immediately ask myself. Oh my god. Would I be happy? Could I live like this? At this point I'd only done school and community theatre. If that was all I ever did or could do, would I be satisfied? Would that be enough? What if that was as good as it got?
She also told us the story of getting cast in her first big movie alongside Jack Nicholson. She was sent away because she wasn't physically right for the part. She'd had it. She took a risk that day and did something completely out of character. She refused to leave and demanded that they see her! Can you imagine?! She then sat down and kept her head down, scared and not believing she'd just done that. A pair of shoes appeared in front of her and she heard a voice telling her she was going to be seen for the audition. She slowly looked up. It was Jack! She stayed up all through the night rehearsing her sides for the callback, read with Jack the next day and was cast.
There are more stories of guest speakers and teachers coming up later as my story unfolds.
Anyway, after I survived Mamet it was time to turn twenty. My birthday was March 27th and Oscars was just a few days later. We scouted a few locations for a party. We made fliers and hung them in The Lounge. We were set to celebrate on March 29th.
On my actual birthday, it was a school night and my first birthday away from home. I think I just wanted time to myself. I bought myself a second row ticket to AIDA. I often liked going to the theatre alone, as it would often make me emotional. A friend in school, Kim had a best friend who worked at the AIDA theatre. She said she'd meet me there when the play was over for a tour of the stage and a meeting with Adam Pascal. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I've never been the type of person who wants to "meet a celebrity". I mean, that'd just be weird. What would I say? We're all just people. I certainly didn't want to look like some super fan. But then again it was Adam Pascal.
I was hoping Kim would forget. In a crowded theatre I could surely sneak out. But of course I bumped right into her on my way out and before I knew it I was up onstage looking out toward the audience! And then we were going down stairs toward the dressing room. Halfway down, Adam came up. There in the stairwell we were introduced and I think I spoke chinese. He. Was. So. Handsome. He had very blue, twinkling eyes and was so nice. To this day, for whatever reason only meeting him (and Gavin Creel) made me nervous. It's something about theatre actors. It's something about just having seen someone give an incredible performance and still processing it and being blown away and then there they are before you can even collect yourself...it's overwhelming. Far different than a random celebrity sighting on a NYC street.
In the end I admit it. I like the bragging rights of meeting Adam Pascal backstage after AIDA and I realize how truly sweet that was of Kim to meet me there, alone on my birthday and do something so kind for me.
Then the party happened, and this would truly mark the beginning of my journey with The Guy.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I couldn't sleep for three nights leading up to David Mamets visit.
March 25
"I feel as though I'm married to my career. Sometimes I feel it's my career, other times I feel like I'm just kidding myself. Is it a big deal I pursued my dream? It never feels like it. Is there something to be said for what I've done? Am I really about to perform for David Mamet tomorrow? If I live through it...what does it say? What does it mean to be picked? My birthday is in two days. What does it mean to be twenty? What should I have accomplished? Am I giving it my all?"
David Mamet was scary. There we were, students from every class crammed into one of the bigger studios. It seemed like an eternity waiting to perform. When it was finally time I was beyond nervous. We never got through the entire scene. Some scenes did and some didn't. He kept stopping to critique, make changes, have us start again, etc. That was basically what his master class consisted of. It's all kind of a blur.
I just remember he was loud and intimidating. I do remember that later he had picked an unassuming older red head girl from another scene to be in one of his movies. I was always in awe that things like that really did happen and bummed that he hadn't chosen me to be his next star. All in all, performing in school for David Mamet is something not many people can claim, and I'm very proud of that.
Master classes were something that happened regularly at school. My two favorites were John Ritter and Mary Steenburgen. John was so funny and made me laugh out loud. My favorite part was (which was in line with the schools philosophy) when you're onstage "it's all in". If you ignore something happening it's no longer believable. Yes, it seems obvious but you'd be surprised. He told us about an example of a glass shattering all over the stage and the barefoot actor actually walking across it, refusing to address it! His impression of the actor doing this was hilarious. He also told us about timid actors who didn't take the stage and a performance where an actor basically stood half in the curtains and shadows on the side of the stage! Again, his reenactment was hysterical.
There'd be a time the next year I'd get to have a long conversation with him. More on that later.
Mary Steengurgens class was one of the most inspirational experiences I've ever had to this day. I'll never forget it. She's so beautiful in person, she glows. She spoke to my heart. Even now, writing about her I get choked up. She spoke of her time in NYC going to school, training and doing plays still on a very small scale, just trying to "make it" like any of us that were sitting in the room listening to her. She talked about looking in the mirror and asking herself if she'd be happy if this was it. If this was "as good as it gets". It made me immediately ask myself. Oh my god. Would I be happy? Could I live like this? At this point I'd only done school and community theatre. If that was all I ever did or could do, would I be satisfied? Would that be enough? What if that was as good as it got?
She also told us the story of getting cast in her first big movie alongside Jack Nicholson. She was sent away because she wasn't physically right for the part. She'd had it. She took a risk that day and did something completely out of character. She refused to leave and demanded that they see her! Can you imagine?! She then sat down and kept her head down, scared and not believing she'd just done that. A pair of shoes appeared in front of her and she heard a voice telling her she was going to be seen for the audition. She slowly looked up. It was Jack! She stayed up all through the night rehearsing her sides for the callback, read with Jack the next day and was cast.
There are more stories of guest speakers and teachers coming up later as my story unfolds.
Anyway, after I survived Mamet it was time to turn twenty. My birthday was March 27th and Oscars was just a few days later. We scouted a few locations for a party. We made fliers and hung them in The Lounge. We were set to celebrate on March 29th.
On my actual birthday, it was a school night and my first birthday away from home. I think I just wanted time to myself. I bought myself a second row ticket to AIDA. I often liked going to the theatre alone, as it would often make me emotional. A friend in school, Kim had a best friend who worked at the AIDA theatre. She said she'd meet me there when the play was over for a tour of the stage and a meeting with Adam Pascal. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I've never been the type of person who wants to "meet a celebrity". I mean, that'd just be weird. What would I say? We're all just people. I certainly didn't want to look like some super fan. But then again it was Adam Pascal.
I was hoping Kim would forget. In a crowded theatre I could surely sneak out. But of course I bumped right into her on my way out and before I knew it I was up onstage looking out toward the audience! And then we were going down stairs toward the dressing room. Halfway down, Adam came up. There in the stairwell we were introduced and I think I spoke chinese. He. Was. So. Handsome. He had very blue, twinkling eyes and was so nice. To this day, for whatever reason only meeting him (and Gavin Creel) made me nervous. It's something about theatre actors. It's something about just having seen someone give an incredible performance and still processing it and being blown away and then there they are before you can even collect yourself...it's overwhelming. Far different than a random celebrity sighting on a NYC street.
In the end I admit it. I like the bragging rights of meeting Adam Pascal backstage after AIDA and I realize how truly sweet that was of Kim to meet me there, alone on my birthday and do something so kind for me.
Then the party happened, and this would truly mark the beginning of my journey with The Guy.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Jun 17, 2011
Fighting the Good Fight
A few blogs and a couple of months back I wrote about my discovery of the Camino de Santiago and my desire to go there. While it didn't work out that I was there in May, I still plan to go. When the time is right, I know I'll find myself there.
In the meantime I am still learning and reading about the journeys others have made.
While his reasons for walking the Camino are perhaps very different than what mine are and many others I've read, Paulo Coelho's "The Pilgrimage" has proven a very fascinating read. It's the story of his own personal journey on the trail.
I'm almost done, I've been going slow, taking it with me to the gym and whenever I'm on the bike I read a little bit. I should probably take something a little lighter with me, I feel like every so often my jaw drops or my eyes fill up with tears.
If you're a fan of "The Alchemist" you should read "The Pilgrimage". You'll see exactly why he wrote it and how much of it came from his personal experiences on the road. I had no idea.
Anyway, back on page 56 started a few pages that I can't get out of my head and I've been meaning to copy & share them.
In a nutshell, this is what his guide on the road is telling him at this particular part of the walk...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"We must never stop dreaming. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body. Many times in our lives we see our dreams shattered and our desires frustrated, but we have to continue dreaming. If we don't, our soul dies and agape cannot reach it. A lot of blood has been shed in those fields out there; some of the cruelest battles of Spain's war to expel the moors were fought on them. Who was in the right or who knew the truth does not matter; what's important is knowing that both sides were fighting the good fight.
The good fight is the one we fight because our heart asks it of us. In the heroic ages-at the time of the knights in armor-this was easy. There were lands to conquer and much to do. Today, though, the world has changed a lot, and the good fight has shifted from the battlefields to the fields within ourselves.
The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams. When we're young and our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven't yet learned how to fight. With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our own worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result of our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight."
The first symptom of the profess of killing our dreams is the lack of time. The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The truth is, they are afraid to fight the good fight.
The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don't want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those who are engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory or defeat is important; what's important is only that they are fighting the good fight.
And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams-we have refused to fight the good fight.
When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being. We become cruel against ourselves. That's when illness and psychoses arise. What we are sought to avoid in combat-disappointment and defeat-came upon us because of our cowardice. And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breathe, and we actually seek death. It's death that frees us from our certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of our Sunday afternoons.
In the meantime I am still learning and reading about the journeys others have made.
While his reasons for walking the Camino are perhaps very different than what mine are and many others I've read, Paulo Coelho's "The Pilgrimage" has proven a very fascinating read. It's the story of his own personal journey on the trail.
I'm almost done, I've been going slow, taking it with me to the gym and whenever I'm on the bike I read a little bit. I should probably take something a little lighter with me, I feel like every so often my jaw drops or my eyes fill up with tears.
If you're a fan of "The Alchemist" you should read "The Pilgrimage". You'll see exactly why he wrote it and how much of it came from his personal experiences on the road. I had no idea.
Anyway, back on page 56 started a few pages that I can't get out of my head and I've been meaning to copy & share them.
In a nutshell, this is what his guide on the road is telling him at this particular part of the walk...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"We must never stop dreaming. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body. Many times in our lives we see our dreams shattered and our desires frustrated, but we have to continue dreaming. If we don't, our soul dies and agape cannot reach it. A lot of blood has been shed in those fields out there; some of the cruelest battles of Spain's war to expel the moors were fought on them. Who was in the right or who knew the truth does not matter; what's important is knowing that both sides were fighting the good fight.
The good fight is the one we fight because our heart asks it of us. In the heroic ages-at the time of the knights in armor-this was easy. There were lands to conquer and much to do. Today, though, the world has changed a lot, and the good fight has shifted from the battlefields to the fields within ourselves.
The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams. When we're young and our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven't yet learned how to fight. With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our own worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result of our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight."
The first symptom of the profess of killing our dreams is the lack of time. The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The truth is, they are afraid to fight the good fight.
The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don't want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those who are engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory or defeat is important; what's important is only that they are fighting the good fight.
And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams-we have refused to fight the good fight.
When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being. We become cruel against ourselves. That's when illness and psychoses arise. What we are sought to avoid in combat-disappointment and defeat-came upon us because of our cowardice. And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breathe, and we actually seek death. It's death that frees us from our certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of our Sunday afternoons.
Jun 16, 2011
Time to press pause
If you've been following my blog, then you've seen I'm in the process of writing "My New York Diaries". I'm up to part 8 which begins the second semester of my acting school experience. It's been wonderful to get this out. To remember, to recall, to have this chance to write and share such personal and entertaining stories.
What I didn't expect (but should have) was how emotional it was going to be. Yesterday I asked my sweetheart to help me scan some pictures to post in this blog. When I went to open up my photo album and choose the ones to be scanned, I couldn't. I could hardly look at them. I started to cry and I couldn't get a deep breath. My chest felt heavy and tight and I was completely overwhelmed.
I've looked at these old photo albums plenty of time through the years without reacting like that. My sweetheart is the best man in the world, and told me he just wanted to hold me and we could do this later.
I felt so stupid. I mean clearly I needed to get some emotions out, but it surprised me and I didn't want my sweetheart to think that I was missing my old life or unhappy in the present.
What I learn more every day is how wise and supportive he is. It's unreal.
We abandoned the picture task and went downstairs to watch episodes of The Office and just relax.
Later on, laying in bed I asked him what was wrong with me? We had a big conversation where he told me nothing is wrong with me, he has told me before how sensitive I am and how deeply I feel emotions. How he knows that's why I'm a good actress. I'm very in tune with my emotions and the emotions of those around me. He calls me an empath. He said my emotions are often just under the surface.
He also told me that I'm in a place in my life where for the first time in years I'm able to breathe. He said while he had experiences and lived out of the state and met new people and went new places, what I did was still different. I had gone from being surrounded by family in my cozy house my whole life to waiting for strangers to recognize me at the airport in NYC one day. How much went on the second I got there. Having to do a million things I'd never done before all alone in a new place. All at the same time. How it's particularly special because I was 19.
I agreed. Had I moved to NYC right now with so much more life experience it would be night and day. He said, "you're never 19 again". He was right. Of course! At 19 everything is a first. Everything is new.
He also went on to tell me how things have been a whirlwind for me from then, leading all the way up to us being married and me living in our cozy house we're in now with each other and our puppy.
Now I can relax. I can breathe. I have the time to soul search, process a big part of my life and chain of events that brought me to right here, right now. He said he's sure when people write their autobiographies there are plenty of tears and emotions involved.
He thinks it's all positive, and he's always interested and anxious to read the next installment. He hopes I do turn this into a book and was a big part of encouraging me to write about it in the first place.
Did I tell you he was wise and supportive, or what?
Anyway. Today I am taking a break. I'm usually really excited every day to get more out, but today I need to step away.
He's right. This is definitely the part of my life where I can relax and breathe more than I've been able to do in a really long time.
It does bring up old feelings to write and relive that strange time. It's almost like a sense memory exercise. I can remember the texture of the pants ant the way they snapped that I was wearing while writing about a night out. I can remember the sound of the buzzer to get into the ATC building. I can remember pangs of heartbreak, loneliness, fun and craziness. It will never be that way again. First times. I don't ever want to forget how it felt and I'm happy I'm writing this before it's all too far away to recall but it is hard to do. Hard and good.
I thought it was important to document the process of this and how I'm feeling while it's happening. It's part nostalgia, part parallel lives, part reconciliation and and ultimate marrying of all of my experiences.
Accepting and allowing.
Thanks for reading and supporting.
I feel so lucky to have so much of my life documented in my journals. There is so much more to come. I don't know how I can not share it.
tweet me @deenamarie
What I didn't expect (but should have) was how emotional it was going to be. Yesterday I asked my sweetheart to help me scan some pictures to post in this blog. When I went to open up my photo album and choose the ones to be scanned, I couldn't. I could hardly look at them. I started to cry and I couldn't get a deep breath. My chest felt heavy and tight and I was completely overwhelmed.
I've looked at these old photo albums plenty of time through the years without reacting like that. My sweetheart is the best man in the world, and told me he just wanted to hold me and we could do this later.
I felt so stupid. I mean clearly I needed to get some emotions out, but it surprised me and I didn't want my sweetheart to think that I was missing my old life or unhappy in the present.
What I learn more every day is how wise and supportive he is. It's unreal.
We abandoned the picture task and went downstairs to watch episodes of The Office and just relax.
Later on, laying in bed I asked him what was wrong with me? We had a big conversation where he told me nothing is wrong with me, he has told me before how sensitive I am and how deeply I feel emotions. How he knows that's why I'm a good actress. I'm very in tune with my emotions and the emotions of those around me. He calls me an empath. He said my emotions are often just under the surface.
He also told me that I'm in a place in my life where for the first time in years I'm able to breathe. He said while he had experiences and lived out of the state and met new people and went new places, what I did was still different. I had gone from being surrounded by family in my cozy house my whole life to waiting for strangers to recognize me at the airport in NYC one day. How much went on the second I got there. Having to do a million things I'd never done before all alone in a new place. All at the same time. How it's particularly special because I was 19.
I agreed. Had I moved to NYC right now with so much more life experience it would be night and day. He said, "you're never 19 again". He was right. Of course! At 19 everything is a first. Everything is new.
He also went on to tell me how things have been a whirlwind for me from then, leading all the way up to us being married and me living in our cozy house we're in now with each other and our puppy.
Now I can relax. I can breathe. I have the time to soul search, process a big part of my life and chain of events that brought me to right here, right now. He said he's sure when people write their autobiographies there are plenty of tears and emotions involved.
He thinks it's all positive, and he's always interested and anxious to read the next installment. He hopes I do turn this into a book and was a big part of encouraging me to write about it in the first place.
Did I tell you he was wise and supportive, or what?
Anyway. Today I am taking a break. I'm usually really excited every day to get more out, but today I need to step away.
He's right. This is definitely the part of my life where I can relax and breathe more than I've been able to do in a really long time.
It does bring up old feelings to write and relive that strange time. It's almost like a sense memory exercise. I can remember the texture of the pants ant the way they snapped that I was wearing while writing about a night out. I can remember the sound of the buzzer to get into the ATC building. I can remember pangs of heartbreak, loneliness, fun and craziness. It will never be that way again. First times. I don't ever want to forget how it felt and I'm happy I'm writing this before it's all too far away to recall but it is hard to do. Hard and good.
I thought it was important to document the process of this and how I'm feeling while it's happening. It's part nostalgia, part parallel lives, part reconciliation and and ultimate marrying of all of my experiences.
Accepting and allowing.
Thanks for reading and supporting.
I feel so lucky to have so much of my life documented in my journals. There is so much more to come. I don't know how I can not share it.
tweet me @deenamarie
Jun 15, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 8
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I got off the plane and my parents and one of my close girlfriends Rachel, who'd also been there to see me off, met me at the gate. What I was completely unaware of at the time was that I'd gained weight. Like I said before I have a good metabolism and I can get away with a lot, but this was the first and only time in my life I was consuming far too many sugary alcoholic drinks and eating late at night after drinking. Let me tell you, if you follow this eating and drinking plan for too long you're not going to be happy with the results. With everything going on in my new life, I somehow hadn't noticed just how much weight I'd gained. Looking back on it now, my parents and Rachel must have been quite startled.
When I finally noticed was when I was back in my old room, going through all of the clothes I'd left behind and deciding what to take back to NYC and realizing nothing fit!
Oh my god! I was in panic mode. What was I going to do?! While I was home I clearly wasn't drinking and eating that way and I started doing one of my moms old workout tapes. Seeing pictures from our family Christmas eve party to this day makes me cringe. I can't believe I let things get so out of control.
By the time I went back to NYC although I wasn't quite as slender as I had been, I'd lost the majority of it.
During my break at home, I got a call from Mark. Of course. And just as predicted, he needed us to "just be friends". Whatever. That was fine with me. But the wishy washy behavior confused me. As I said earlier, he was a good 7 or 8 years older than me. I expected more mature behavior.
I can't remember too many details about that initial trip home, or flight back to NYC for the second semester.
The Guy was still on my mind but I was becoming scared. I didn't know what to do. My feelings hadn't gone away, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen from here or how to approach it. I became nervous all over again. Time had gone by since the party and nothing had progressed. What do I do? Chase him? Avoid him? I didn't know.
The next journal entry was the following.
Feb. 24
"Geez...I don't know why I don't write anymore. I feel as thought I'm losing the desire, but I don't want to. So many things...so many changes...maybe I don't write because I talk it out to my mom. Maybe I don't have the time. Maybe I'm tired. I don't know! Sometimes I sure wonder about me! I wonder about the people in my old life...or lives...how their journeys are unfoloding and how I wish sometimes to be one of the old Deena's. Which one would I be?
...sometimes just any Deena but all of a sudden on her own in a fast-huge-too-big-very-adult-world Deena. Anyway. Why am I running away from guys? Why? What's my problem? Am I so hurt? Am I so scared? Who has really hurt me? Who has truly scarred me? Does it have to do with emotion, sex, touch, trust, all of the above? What is it I'm so scared of getting or not getting? Maybe it's getting harder...but I'm not clicking with anyone. No, I could. If someone would give me the time and the patience! I could share myself but I have to make an effort as well. I have to try. I can't run away. I have to force myself. Well...I'm having issues with not even wanting to write. Maybe I'm turning into a thinker. A philosopher. If only I had it in me to write my journey."
Oscar and Jenny had become roomates! They were in Washington Heights and living with a girl who was dating a boy in his final year of school. That boy was non other than Jason Ritter, John Ritters son. He was so kind, unassuming, almost shy. I saw him often and saw him perform a number of times. He was always a funny and solid performer. He is still with the same girlfriend to this day.
My time in NYC would also lead me to have wonderful stories to tell about John Ritter, that's coming later.
At the beginning of fall, when I'd first started school, I remember walking behind a girl from another class who looked closer to my age. She was thin and cute and dressed fashionably. She represented to me the epitome of an NYC girl. I wanted to be friends with her. I was bummed that there weren't girls like this in my class. I wanted to meet more people my same age.
A new semester meant the chance to meet new people. The girl I'd been so impressed by, Lynne was in my class! At last! We became fast friends and she would soon prove to be a very big and important part of my story.
I also met a boy from another class in The Lounge who had red hair and was adorable. There was a bit of a flirtation, but mostly he was just incredibly nice. We got along, we could joke and be silly. We would draw funny little pictures. His name was Ned and he was in class with The Guy.
One day at school I got wind something was going on in an empty classroom that I needed to know about. I walked in and there against the wall were Martha and Jenny. Martha was consoling Jenny. She was crying and when I came in the room she cried harder and said something about how telling me what was going on was going to be the worst part.
Then she said the unthinkable. She was quitting school. What?! Jenny was leaving me?! How could this have happened? We were also finally in the same class and had even just been able to work on a scene together!
In the end, we all had our journeys. New York called each of us for one reason or another and her journey was taking her elsewhere. In the end this would turn out to be a positive thing. We would remain close and it became helpful and healthy for me to have a close friend outside of school, when I needed a break from school friends.
Meanwhile, I was working hard on a scene from "Golden Boy" in one of my classes. We had performed it already a time or two when we got big news.
The ATC was founded by William H. Macy and David Mamet. It was said Macy was a visitor to the school every other year or so. Mamet also came by at times. Well, this was one of those times. David Mamet would be coming in for a master class and some of the students would be performing scenes for him. The scenes were going to be chosen and posted. When the list went up, I anxiously and nervously looked.
Oh my god. Out of the conservatory first year students the only one chosen...was our Golden Boy.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I want to say real quick how I've recently been in contact with Oscar again! We had yet to find each other on facebook and finally did. He stayed in NYC longer than I did and only recently did he leave. He's been working on a documentary about NYC. I was able to see the first two clips so far and it gave me chills. It made me emotional. It made me feel justified and a part of something truly special, sacred even. Only those who were there in that place and time truly know how it felt and how it shaped us for the rest of our lives. It made me feel understood, without words. Sometimes it does take this long to process. To find your way to form it, give it life and get it out. The synchronicity that we're both working on these projects at the same time is too much for me to put into words. But I've never felt so connected to something so profound.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I got off the plane and my parents and one of my close girlfriends Rachel, who'd also been there to see me off, met me at the gate. What I was completely unaware of at the time was that I'd gained weight. Like I said before I have a good metabolism and I can get away with a lot, but this was the first and only time in my life I was consuming far too many sugary alcoholic drinks and eating late at night after drinking. Let me tell you, if you follow this eating and drinking plan for too long you're not going to be happy with the results. With everything going on in my new life, I somehow hadn't noticed just how much weight I'd gained. Looking back on it now, my parents and Rachel must have been quite startled.
When I finally noticed was when I was back in my old room, going through all of the clothes I'd left behind and deciding what to take back to NYC and realizing nothing fit!
Oh my god! I was in panic mode. What was I going to do?! While I was home I clearly wasn't drinking and eating that way and I started doing one of my moms old workout tapes. Seeing pictures from our family Christmas eve party to this day makes me cringe. I can't believe I let things get so out of control.
By the time I went back to NYC although I wasn't quite as slender as I had been, I'd lost the majority of it.
During my break at home, I got a call from Mark. Of course. And just as predicted, he needed us to "just be friends". Whatever. That was fine with me. But the wishy washy behavior confused me. As I said earlier, he was a good 7 or 8 years older than me. I expected more mature behavior.
I can't remember too many details about that initial trip home, or flight back to NYC for the second semester.
The Guy was still on my mind but I was becoming scared. I didn't know what to do. My feelings hadn't gone away, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen from here or how to approach it. I became nervous all over again. Time had gone by since the party and nothing had progressed. What do I do? Chase him? Avoid him? I didn't know.
The next journal entry was the following.
Feb. 24
"Geez...I don't know why I don't write anymore. I feel as thought I'm losing the desire, but I don't want to. So many things...so many changes...maybe I don't write because I talk it out to my mom. Maybe I don't have the time. Maybe I'm tired. I don't know! Sometimes I sure wonder about me! I wonder about the people in my old life...or lives...how their journeys are unfoloding and how I wish sometimes to be one of the old Deena's. Which one would I be?
...sometimes just any Deena but all of a sudden on her own in a fast-huge-too-big-very-adult-world Deena. Anyway. Why am I running away from guys? Why? What's my problem? Am I so hurt? Am I so scared? Who has really hurt me? Who has truly scarred me? Does it have to do with emotion, sex, touch, trust, all of the above? What is it I'm so scared of getting or not getting? Maybe it's getting harder...but I'm not clicking with anyone. No, I could. If someone would give me the time and the patience! I could share myself but I have to make an effort as well. I have to try. I can't run away. I have to force myself. Well...I'm having issues with not even wanting to write. Maybe I'm turning into a thinker. A philosopher. If only I had it in me to write my journey."
Oscar and Jenny had become roomates! They were in Washington Heights and living with a girl who was dating a boy in his final year of school. That boy was non other than Jason Ritter, John Ritters son. He was so kind, unassuming, almost shy. I saw him often and saw him perform a number of times. He was always a funny and solid performer. He is still with the same girlfriend to this day.
My time in NYC would also lead me to have wonderful stories to tell about John Ritter, that's coming later.
At the beginning of fall, when I'd first started school, I remember walking behind a girl from another class who looked closer to my age. She was thin and cute and dressed fashionably. She represented to me the epitome of an NYC girl. I wanted to be friends with her. I was bummed that there weren't girls like this in my class. I wanted to meet more people my same age.
A new semester meant the chance to meet new people. The girl I'd been so impressed by, Lynne was in my class! At last! We became fast friends and she would soon prove to be a very big and important part of my story.
I also met a boy from another class in The Lounge who had red hair and was adorable. There was a bit of a flirtation, but mostly he was just incredibly nice. We got along, we could joke and be silly. We would draw funny little pictures. His name was Ned and he was in class with The Guy.
One day at school I got wind something was going on in an empty classroom that I needed to know about. I walked in and there against the wall were Martha and Jenny. Martha was consoling Jenny. She was crying and when I came in the room she cried harder and said something about how telling me what was going on was going to be the worst part.
Then she said the unthinkable. She was quitting school. What?! Jenny was leaving me?! How could this have happened? We were also finally in the same class and had even just been able to work on a scene together!
In the end, we all had our journeys. New York called each of us for one reason or another and her journey was taking her elsewhere. In the end this would turn out to be a positive thing. We would remain close and it became helpful and healthy for me to have a close friend outside of school, when I needed a break from school friends.
Meanwhile, I was working hard on a scene from "Golden Boy" in one of my classes. We had performed it already a time or two when we got big news.
The ATC was founded by William H. Macy and David Mamet. It was said Macy was a visitor to the school every other year or so. Mamet also came by at times. Well, this was one of those times. David Mamet would be coming in for a master class and some of the students would be performing scenes for him. The scenes were going to be chosen and posted. When the list went up, I anxiously and nervously looked.
Oh my god. Out of the conservatory first year students the only one chosen...was our Golden Boy.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I want to say real quick how I've recently been in contact with Oscar again! We had yet to find each other on facebook and finally did. He stayed in NYC longer than I did and only recently did he leave. He's been working on a documentary about NYC. I was able to see the first two clips so far and it gave me chills. It made me emotional. It made me feel justified and a part of something truly special, sacred even. Only those who were there in that place and time truly know how it felt and how it shaped us for the rest of our lives. It made me feel understood, without words. Sometimes it does take this long to process. To find your way to form it, give it life and get it out. The synchronicity that we're both working on these projects at the same time is too much for me to put into words. But I've never felt so connected to something so profound.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Jun 14, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 7
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
During school, we had 10 minute breaks every hour and half as you would in a professional rehearsal. Almost everyone in class would get up and go outside to smoke. It was so different to me. Nobody I knew smoked like that at home.
Everyone, teachers included, seemed to all have the same favorite word. Fuck. I heard it all day everyday and nobody batted an eye. I was no prude, I used it to, it was just how nonchalantly it was used that surprised me at first. Again, nobody at home (especially any teachers I'd ever had) spoke completely freely. I liked it.
I smoked my first cigarette. Sorry mom and dad. I was successfully distancing myself from Martha and growing closer to Jenny. As Christmas break was approaching we went out to one of her favorite places. She loved greek bars, restaurants (and greek men) and seemed to know where they all were. We had food, drinks and a smoke. I didn't tell her until years later that it had been my first cigarette. I just tried to look like I knew what I was doing. Yes, this was way back when smoking was still allowed inside. I can remember just where we were sitting, our cozy candlelight table and snow falling outside. The nostalgia of remembering that night gets me every time.
I don't remember if I'd seen The Guy again since the party, I'm sure I was stressing about it all when suddenly a detour with Mark came out of nowhere just as I was about to head back to SLC for our break.
Dec. 12
"...[a group of us from school] were out last night and of course, I was one of the last to leave. I was only going to take a cab with Mark to the one/nine but then he asked me to go to a play with him in the morning and crash with him. So I said yes, thinking I just wanted to be with him like old times. We'd drink, we'd crash and cuddle and that would be it..."
(Well. It wasn't all that happened. And I wasn't too thrilled with what had happened. I don't think we went to a play the next morning.)
"...Afterwards he was all about giving me his email address, kissing me goodbye at the bus stop, god I don't know. Maybe I'll get an email in his typical Mark pattern saying that this time we really need to "just be friends". Or maybe he thinks we'll have a "thing". But there's not going to be a relationship...
...anyway, Mark knows about The Guy. After his inquiry [about The Guy], his ripping on him impersonation of his "Scarface" scene he said, "The Guy seems like a nice guy...but do you like him?"
...passing through Hoboken then Weehawken, thinking how fitting to end where I began. The place that started it all. Launched my adventure. How did I ever handle it there and who was that girl? I'll write when in the sky..."
And then I hoped on a plane to take me back home for the first time since all of this had happened. How would it be? I couldn't feel more different. About everything. What would it be like to see my family? My friends? Would it be weird? I'd changed. Surely they'd changed. I had a new life. It was filling up with new people and places. What would we talk about now? What would it be like to sleep in my old bed? I was happy to be going home for this holiday in particular and pack up more of my clothes and belongings to take with me when I returned to NYC.
And how on gods green earth had that just happened with Mark? That hadn't even happened with The Guy. I wasn't into Mark, and things had just started happening with The Guy. What the hell? It was all sorts of weird and confusing.
On the plane I wrote.
Dec. 12
"In the sky...and I really don't have anything to say. I guess it's because I'm viscerally and mentally so filled, so busy, I can't even begin to straighten out my thoughts. So I'll just turn up the volume of the travel channel to drown myself out, and continue to feel the way I've felt (to various degrees) for who knows how long now. A little fuzzy, a little tuned out, out of adjustment, zen."
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
During school, we had 10 minute breaks every hour and half as you would in a professional rehearsal. Almost everyone in class would get up and go outside to smoke. It was so different to me. Nobody I knew smoked like that at home.
Everyone, teachers included, seemed to all have the same favorite word. Fuck. I heard it all day everyday and nobody batted an eye. I was no prude, I used it to, it was just how nonchalantly it was used that surprised me at first. Again, nobody at home (especially any teachers I'd ever had) spoke completely freely. I liked it.
I smoked my first cigarette. Sorry mom and dad. I was successfully distancing myself from Martha and growing closer to Jenny. As Christmas break was approaching we went out to one of her favorite places. She loved greek bars, restaurants (and greek men) and seemed to know where they all were. We had food, drinks and a smoke. I didn't tell her until years later that it had been my first cigarette. I just tried to look like I knew what I was doing. Yes, this was way back when smoking was still allowed inside. I can remember just where we were sitting, our cozy candlelight table and snow falling outside. The nostalgia of remembering that night gets me every time.
I don't remember if I'd seen The Guy again since the party, I'm sure I was stressing about it all when suddenly a detour with Mark came out of nowhere just as I was about to head back to SLC for our break.
Dec. 12
"...[a group of us from school] were out last night and of course, I was one of the last to leave. I was only going to take a cab with Mark to the one/nine but then he asked me to go to a play with him in the morning and crash with him. So I said yes, thinking I just wanted to be with him like old times. We'd drink, we'd crash and cuddle and that would be it..."
(Well. It wasn't all that happened. And I wasn't too thrilled with what had happened. I don't think we went to a play the next morning.)
"...Afterwards he was all about giving me his email address, kissing me goodbye at the bus stop, god I don't know. Maybe I'll get an email in his typical Mark pattern saying that this time we really need to "just be friends". Or maybe he thinks we'll have a "thing". But there's not going to be a relationship...
...anyway, Mark knows about The Guy. After his inquiry [about The Guy], his ripping on him impersonation of his "Scarface" scene he said, "The Guy seems like a nice guy...but do you like him?"
...passing through Hoboken then Weehawken, thinking how fitting to end where I began. The place that started it all. Launched my adventure. How did I ever handle it there and who was that girl? I'll write when in the sky..."
And then I hoped on a plane to take me back home for the first time since all of this had happened. How would it be? I couldn't feel more different. About everything. What would it be like to see my family? My friends? Would it be weird? I'd changed. Surely they'd changed. I had a new life. It was filling up with new people and places. What would we talk about now? What would it be like to sleep in my old bed? I was happy to be going home for this holiday in particular and pack up more of my clothes and belongings to take with me when I returned to NYC.
And how on gods green earth had that just happened with Mark? That hadn't even happened with The Guy. I wasn't into Mark, and things had just started happening with The Guy. What the hell? It was all sorts of weird and confusing.
On the plane I wrote.
Dec. 12
"In the sky...and I really don't have anything to say. I guess it's because I'm viscerally and mentally so filled, so busy, I can't even begin to straighten out my thoughts. So I'll just turn up the volume of the travel channel to drown myself out, and continue to feel the way I've felt (to various degrees) for who knows how long now. A little fuzzy, a little tuned out, out of adjustment, zen."
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Jun 13, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 6
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I chopped my hair off and dyed it dark. I'd had short haircuts before but more often than not my hair was long. I wanted a new look for my new life and a girl in my class gave me the name of the hairdresser and salon she went to, explaining to me here in NYC you tip each person separately. Hair washer, hair stylist, etc. I pretended to know what I was doing but I probably didn't do it right...or in the appropriate amounts. Three hundred dollars later I had the most expensive haircut I'd ever had up to that point and a new look.
I saw Ben Stiller filming a movie.
One night I went to the village to meet some friends. Walking to the bar, I passed Ben Stiller who was in the middle of shooting and was surprised at how tiny but how handsome he looked in person, right there a foot away from me. After some drama at the door about me "forgetting" my ID (which only happened occasionally) I was able to get into a fabulous bar. Later on when I got to the subway to head all the way back to The Bronx I was exhausted and drunk and laid down for the long ride home. A cop appeared out of nowhere and told me to sit up, sleeping in the subway was not allowed. If I remember correctly, I think I gave him a little attitude. I was starting to feel like a real new yorker! :)
I spent my first major holiday away from my family. I spent it with Jenny and Oscar. We met early on Thanksgiving morning for breakfast and watched part of the Macy's Parade. It was freezing. We couldn't stay outside for long. Jenny had a white coat that bundled her completely from head to toe. We all laughed about it then but now I will be the first one to tell you that sacrificing fashion for warmth in NYC during winter is well worth it.
I think Jenny cooked for us and we had a lot of wine. We ended up back at my place in The Bronx where we watched a movie and consumed more wine.
This would be the beginning of a tradition for the three of us. The "holiday kids", we later called ourselves and would spend every holiday together from then on.
It was hard for me not to be with my family for the first time but I wouldn't trade the memory of freezing my ass off and laying on my uncomfortable deflated air mattress watching my tiny tv screen with them for the world now.
Sometimes you don't realize the magic of the moment until later, when it becomes something sacred.
In The Lounge one day, Ben (who'd first told me that The Guy was taken) came in and made a beeline for where I was sitting and looking back and forth between me and Martha he said, "Which one of you is it that likes The Guy, again?" I exclaimed, "me!" He said, "well he just broke up with his girlfriend". Oh. My. God. The Guy was now available.
Bobby laughed at me over my pining away for The Guy, telling me the way I was describing him he'd "expected an adonis" and was surprised when I had finally pointed him out.
I'm sure Bobby expected someone like himself (a type often seen around Chelsea). Tan, bulging biceps and designer jeans. No, that was not The Guy.
The Guy was a combination of a young Robert Downey Jr and Johnny Depp with maybe a drop of Chris Noth. I say young, because he was, very young. Back then, he was 23 years old. But it was older than me, he was in his final year of school and to teenage me, it all seemed very grown up. Yes I thought he was terribly handsome, but there was just something about him. I was completely drawn to him.
One night soon after there was another showcase of scenes from other classes. I was going to get to see The Guy perform for the first time. I can still remember what I was wearing. It was the night I was going to have to introduce myself and I'd gone over it and stressed about it a zillion times over the last couple of months. I'd often thought I was going to do and would chicken out. It was now or never.
He did a scene from "Scarface" and I only know this because I wrote it in my journal. I honestly don't remember the performance. I do remember walking up to him after, where he was standing with a group of guys. Great, can we make this any more intimidating? But I did it! I introduced myself and told him he did a great job. I don't know if I said anything else or what he said in return but that was that.
I remember walking home and calling my mom to tell her every word exchanged and how scary it was and how proud of myself I was for finally doing it. I'm sure it was a lengthy phone call where I wanted everything analyzed and then analyzed again. Oh the analyzing and agonizing. It's just what young girls do.
Okay, so there'd finally been contact with The Guy! But now what?
Well there would be a party in the NYU dorms that would change everything.
I remember meeting up with a group of people in the lobby, including Lisa and Tony from the ATC office who knew about my crush (I think I'd told just about everyone by this point) and were bursting with excitement to tell me that The Guy was upstairs at the party! Oh my god. I told them this was it, they had to help me hook this up. I was in a black skirt and a fabulous black sweater that I lost in one of my many moves. What was this pattern of losing my favorite sweaters in NYC? It was basically backless, held together by thin tie. I wish I had it now, I'd never been able to find anything else like it. I was feeling confident, determined this was going to be my night, and ready to go upstairs to the party.
12/3
"Last night I was with The Guy. The Guy! They Guy! They Guy I saw on the first day of school, before school even started and who I haven't been able to take my eyes off since. The ATC party in the NYU dorms...The Guy standing out, so apart from the crowd. Black turtleneck, black leather jacket, glasses with tinted yellow frames. Ben, Lisa and Tony all passing messages. The Guy finally coming over. "
*I should interject here, we were all drinking and I was in balls out mode that night. When he came over it was as if he was meeting me for the first time. What the hell? I was in no mood to go over all this again. I'd been patient long enough. "I've met you before" was one of the first things out of my mouth and I again, gave a little attitude. I don't think he remembered. I should also mention that he was there with a date, a girl named Theresa from another class. You wouldn't have known it. They were hardly hanging out together. Date or not, remembering me or not, that night he stayed talking to me and paid me a great deal of attention.
...someone at some point telling us to kiss. The Guy grabbing my head and kissing me. Me telling him I want to kiss him again. Us kissing again. Him telling me to follow him. Me knowing what that meant. I followed him into a room that was 'no good', then us finally finding the stairwell for what felt like a long, long time...
...telling me I was so beautiful. So firey. How I reminded him of fire. Like something you know you shouldn't do, but do anyway. How firey was a very good thing."
We had planned to leave the party together, when Theresa had a freak out. The two of them ended up in the stairwell, talking it out and she was crying. I was waiting and it was taking forever. Finally I poked my head in. He came out and said he'd have to take a raincheck, "definitely a raincheck" (I do want to say that with youth often comes a carelessness of other peoples feelings. I am fully aware now that I, well both of us, disrespected Theresa that night).
Holy shit. Did all of that really just happen?!
It was a good thing...right? Was it good? Was it bad? What in the world was it going to be like at school tomorrow?
"Something you know you shouldn't do, but do anyway" was running through my mind.
* * * * * * * * * *
The diary I was keeping at the time had quotes in it. On this particular entry the quote was:
"You were once wild here. Don't let them tame you!"
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I chopped my hair off and dyed it dark. I'd had short haircuts before but more often than not my hair was long. I wanted a new look for my new life and a girl in my class gave me the name of the hairdresser and salon she went to, explaining to me here in NYC you tip each person separately. Hair washer, hair stylist, etc. I pretended to know what I was doing but I probably didn't do it right...or in the appropriate amounts. Three hundred dollars later I had the most expensive haircut I'd ever had up to that point and a new look.
I saw Ben Stiller filming a movie.
One night I went to the village to meet some friends. Walking to the bar, I passed Ben Stiller who was in the middle of shooting and was surprised at how tiny but how handsome he looked in person, right there a foot away from me. After some drama at the door about me "forgetting" my ID (which only happened occasionally) I was able to get into a fabulous bar. Later on when I got to the subway to head all the way back to The Bronx I was exhausted and drunk and laid down for the long ride home. A cop appeared out of nowhere and told me to sit up, sleeping in the subway was not allowed. If I remember correctly, I think I gave him a little attitude. I was starting to feel like a real new yorker! :)
I spent my first major holiday away from my family. I spent it with Jenny and Oscar. We met early on Thanksgiving morning for breakfast and watched part of the Macy's Parade. It was freezing. We couldn't stay outside for long. Jenny had a white coat that bundled her completely from head to toe. We all laughed about it then but now I will be the first one to tell you that sacrificing fashion for warmth in NYC during winter is well worth it.
I think Jenny cooked for us and we had a lot of wine. We ended up back at my place in The Bronx where we watched a movie and consumed more wine.
This would be the beginning of a tradition for the three of us. The "holiday kids", we later called ourselves and would spend every holiday together from then on.
It was hard for me not to be with my family for the first time but I wouldn't trade the memory of freezing my ass off and laying on my uncomfortable deflated air mattress watching my tiny tv screen with them for the world now.
Sometimes you don't realize the magic of the moment until later, when it becomes something sacred.
In The Lounge one day, Ben (who'd first told me that The Guy was taken) came in and made a beeline for where I was sitting and looking back and forth between me and Martha he said, "Which one of you is it that likes The Guy, again?" I exclaimed, "me!" He said, "well he just broke up with his girlfriend". Oh. My. God. The Guy was now available.
Bobby laughed at me over my pining away for The Guy, telling me the way I was describing him he'd "expected an adonis" and was surprised when I had finally pointed him out.
I'm sure Bobby expected someone like himself (a type often seen around Chelsea). Tan, bulging biceps and designer jeans. No, that was not The Guy.
The Guy was a combination of a young Robert Downey Jr and Johnny Depp with maybe a drop of Chris Noth. I say young, because he was, very young. Back then, he was 23 years old. But it was older than me, he was in his final year of school and to teenage me, it all seemed very grown up. Yes I thought he was terribly handsome, but there was just something about him. I was completely drawn to him.
One night soon after there was another showcase of scenes from other classes. I was going to get to see The Guy perform for the first time. I can still remember what I was wearing. It was the night I was going to have to introduce myself and I'd gone over it and stressed about it a zillion times over the last couple of months. I'd often thought I was going to do and would chicken out. It was now or never.
He did a scene from "Scarface" and I only know this because I wrote it in my journal. I honestly don't remember the performance. I do remember walking up to him after, where he was standing with a group of guys. Great, can we make this any more intimidating? But I did it! I introduced myself and told him he did a great job. I don't know if I said anything else or what he said in return but that was that.
I remember walking home and calling my mom to tell her every word exchanged and how scary it was and how proud of myself I was for finally doing it. I'm sure it was a lengthy phone call where I wanted everything analyzed and then analyzed again. Oh the analyzing and agonizing. It's just what young girls do.
Okay, so there'd finally been contact with The Guy! But now what?
Well there would be a party in the NYU dorms that would change everything.
I remember meeting up with a group of people in the lobby, including Lisa and Tony from the ATC office who knew about my crush (I think I'd told just about everyone by this point) and were bursting with excitement to tell me that The Guy was upstairs at the party! Oh my god. I told them this was it, they had to help me hook this up. I was in a black skirt and a fabulous black sweater that I lost in one of my many moves. What was this pattern of losing my favorite sweaters in NYC? It was basically backless, held together by thin tie. I wish I had it now, I'd never been able to find anything else like it. I was feeling confident, determined this was going to be my night, and ready to go upstairs to the party.
12/3
"Last night I was with The Guy. The Guy! They Guy! They Guy I saw on the first day of school, before school even started and who I haven't been able to take my eyes off since. The ATC party in the NYU dorms...The Guy standing out, so apart from the crowd. Black turtleneck, black leather jacket, glasses with tinted yellow frames. Ben, Lisa and Tony all passing messages. The Guy finally coming over. "
*I should interject here, we were all drinking and I was in balls out mode that night. When he came over it was as if he was meeting me for the first time. What the hell? I was in no mood to go over all this again. I'd been patient long enough. "I've met you before" was one of the first things out of my mouth and I again, gave a little attitude. I don't think he remembered. I should also mention that he was there with a date, a girl named Theresa from another class. You wouldn't have known it. They were hardly hanging out together. Date or not, remembering me or not, that night he stayed talking to me and paid me a great deal of attention.
...someone at some point telling us to kiss. The Guy grabbing my head and kissing me. Me telling him I want to kiss him again. Us kissing again. Him telling me to follow him. Me knowing what that meant. I followed him into a room that was 'no good', then us finally finding the stairwell for what felt like a long, long time...
...telling me I was so beautiful. So firey. How I reminded him of fire. Like something you know you shouldn't do, but do anyway. How firey was a very good thing."
We had planned to leave the party together, when Theresa had a freak out. The two of them ended up in the stairwell, talking it out and she was crying. I was waiting and it was taking forever. Finally I poked my head in. He came out and said he'd have to take a raincheck, "definitely a raincheck" (I do want to say that with youth often comes a carelessness of other peoples feelings. I am fully aware now that I, well both of us, disrespected Theresa that night).
Holy shit. Did all of that really just happen?!
It was a good thing...right? Was it good? Was it bad? What in the world was it going to be like at school tomorrow?
"Something you know you shouldn't do, but do anyway" was running through my mind.
* * * * * * * * * *
The diary I was keeping at the time had quotes in it. On this particular entry the quote was:
"You were once wild here. Don't let them tame you!"
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Jun 11, 2011
Advice from Deena Marie on networking & promotion!
This weekend the first ever SLC Comedy Festival took place. Two days of classes and events, with everything from stand up performances to creative writing classes to improv to this mornings marketing panel.
http://saltlakecomedyfestival.com/speakers/
I was one of four to sit on the panel to discuss making a name for yourself or your brand using social media alongside Jenna Kim Jones (script PA for "The Daily Show with Jon Stweart"), Comedian Marcus (Last Comic Standing), and Paul Draper (comedic magician).
The panel was a little over an hour and consisted of Q &A and tidbits from the four of us. With the four of us having such different areas of expertise and an audience with diverse goals and reasons for attending, it's difficult to get in all you would have to say on the subject. In fact, I'm sure each of us could have had an hour each to discuss exactly how we got to where we are today. Past trials & tribulations, ongoing struggles and some of the fantastic things that happen when you do achieve success.
It was a lot of fun and very interesting to hear what each of these talented and hard working individuals had to say, and what the audience was wanting to learn.
I wanted to put all of what I've learned so far in a blog so that it's out there anytime anyone needs a reference, is curious or maybe needs a dose of inspiration.
Here you go:
I'm a professional actress, a social media personality and a model. My love first and foremost is acting. Theatre, to be even more specific. I knew I wanted to be an actor by the end of high school and I worked my way up just like anyone. School plays, community theatre, college productions, paying productions and professional productions. I eventually joined the union, Actors Equity and have been working professionally as an equity actor for a few years now. My training comes from NYC. I graduated from the Atlantic Theater Co. Acting School and also took courses through Juilliard and NYU's musical theatre program CAP21.
I started uploading to YouTube the end of '07 and became a partner in '08. I decided to start uploading for several reasons. I knew I could deliver a quality video because I was a performer. I could act, create characters and entertain. I knew that comedic videos were what most people will watch (and what will hold their attention) on YouTube. I also knew that not everyone would find me funny, but that didn't matter. I would do what I found funny and the people who did get it would enjoy it. I also was becoming aware of "internet celebrities" for the first time and I was so surprised to find out there was such a thing. How were people making names for themselves online? I figured if they could do it, so could I.
I worked many hours a day in the beginning trying to reach people on YouTube. I went to the channels of "big name" youtubers and started contacting the people who were watching them. I left comments on their pages introducing myself and telling them to come and watch my videos. Now, I later learned that this is called spamming, and not the ideal way you'd want to approach things. But in doing this I did start to spark some interest. I also figured if I wanted people to see my videos, I should do something in the beginning that people would have a chance of seeing. Chris Crocker's "Leave Britney Alone" was still being talked about so my first video was a spoof on his. I could put words in the YouTube tags that people would most likely be searching for. I would also most likely be coming up in related videos when someone was watching his, or various spoofs. I also became aware of a game that was going around on youtube where you made a "5 facts video". Five facts about yourself then you tag five people to do the same, and so on. This was a great way to start connecting with other people.
I also became aware of the fact that YouTube wasn't just a place to see cute kittens and people falling down. There was a community of what I found out later were YouTube Partners. It's both small and large at the same time. It was smaller when I started, so it was probably easier to "meet" each other online. But it's still doable. I found almost all of them to be reachable, helpful and they started to become friends. Also, I kept an eye out for any contests going on on YouTube. I made a video entry for one and that put my video in a position to be seen by anyone who knew about or was viewing the entries. I also spoofed fellow YouTubers. Sometimes to a negative outcome, but I was still putting myself in "related videos" and catching attention. I stopped the random "spamming" and really did start to build a fan base by communicating with those who were watching as well as watching the videos of those I wanted to get to know and commenting, messaging and supporting them.
I was starting to hear people say I should apply for the YouTube/Google partnership program. I had no idea there was such a thing. I asked around and realized that meant that if you were accepted, you could make money when you uploaded your videos to YouTube because ads would run on them. People clicking the ads earns you money per click. I applied and was accepted in March 2008. I know other people with great content and fanbases who were rejected, or who got accepted after several tries (I'm not sure if this is still the case but you used to be required to wait 3 months before applying a second time). I was lucky. They responded about a month after I applied telling me I was in.
Since then I've built up a larger following. I have had friends who were YouTube partners larger than me give me shout outs and that gave me new fans and subscribers. I've collaborated via video with multiple YouTube partners and personalities. I've met many of them. My first (and so far only) YouTube gathering was the NYC 7/8/09 Gathering. It was fantastic and I'd love to do it again. Timing is a factor for me, I stay pretty busy and it hasn't worked out for me to get to another one or to Vidcon yet. But if you have the time and can afford it, that's a great way to go and meet other people who are doing what you're doing, pick their brains and form friendships.
It's bananas. You get viewers coming up to ask for autographs or pose for pictures and they are so nervous they're literally shaking. I've also sent out autographed headshots to viewers (I feel weird saying fans) who have asked. You are in the public eye. You are entertaining them. They do look up to you and you are famous to them. I always say that I never set out to be a role model, meaning I don't want to feel censored in whatever I wanted to do online, but when I've inspired someone? That's the greatest compliment I could ever get.
With a larger following comes recognition for the original recurring characters I've created. Everyone has their favorite or ask for a new vid from them by name.
When creating your online persona, it's a luxury to be able to control (for the most part) what others see and interpret of you. Most who are watching think that is you. How you must act or behave at all times. They truly feel they know you. But they only see snippets. For me, I put out an amped up version of myself or a character. "Deena Marie" online is not who I am at home in real life with friends and family. It's only a part of a personality. None of us are only one thing, or one thing at all times.
Figure out what you want to be. Do you like to be an open book or retain a sense of mystery? Find out what you're comfortable sharing online. There is no right or wrong way.
It may also change as you develop yourself or brand through the years. You need to keep people interested and maybe you want to mix it up and surprise your audience.
A lot of us out there go by a professional name that may or may not be the name we are called by at all times. We also may or may not give various ages depending on the people, the job and the situation.
I use both a facebook fan page and a personal facebook face. My personal page maxed out (stupid facebook friend limit) fairly quickly so I made the fan page. I went through a period recently where I felt like I needed a bit more privacy. There are times when I'd like to share a little more of what is going on in my real life, be more intimate. I removed about half my contacts from my real page. But as it turns out, there was really no point. I kept getting requests and contacted for events and such that I decided I wasn't going to worry about making that page too personal. Instead, I decided to be a little more picky over who I accepted, and those who I didn't choose to accept could go to my fan page. My fan page typically has more action than my personal page anyway. http://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow
In the future, I'll make a top secret page that is truly personal and only very close friends and family will be allowed there. It's definitely worth it, to me, to have the two profiles so that you are able to receive messages to one. Facebook is being used more than email, at times. I've had many opportunities come from those who were able to private message me via facebook.
I've gotten a lot of local press over the years. At times it may seem I'm a regular fixture in our local press. I worked hard to spread the word about what I was doing online, as well as working pretty regularly in our local theatre scene and really get my name out there. I've had covers of IN and City Weekly as well as features in the SLC Trib and more. I've been named a Best of the Beehive for SLC Magazine as "The Comedienne", a City Weekly best of Utah in Media/politics and will be in this summer's SLC Best of the Beehive again in the local celebrity photo shoot. Why? It's all about keeping myself in the public eye. Networking!
Let's talk about networking. A lot of people think networking means always being on, always performing. Personally that can make me uncomfortable. And it exhausts me. I find that when I'm on a film set that's when I experience it most. A lot of actor types are always trying so hard to be funny, to entertain, like I said to be on. Other people who work in production in local businesses can also attest to this behavior at times. Like a performer just dropping by to "say hi" but staying to "perform" or "entertain". Some people it works for and god bless them. For me? Well it's not me at all. I've found that people have been time and time again impressed with how I presented myself in the opposite way. I am humble, I am friendly, I am laid back and professional. I'll tell you what you want to know if you ask me or if it comes up. But if I'm doing a job for you, I'm simply doing a job for you. I don't need to tell you to check out all the work I've ever done online and then bust out a character for you on the spot. Be real, make friends, impress upon a client or someone you want to work with your positivity and professionalism and do your job. Don't overstay a welcome, don't overshadow. Be accessible. I'm the perfect example of just being me in real life and not needing to be the "performing Deena Marie" when not performing in order to make a name for myself. I'm often far more interested in who people are outside of what they do. I figured there must be others who feel that way. And there are.
*It was pressed upon us time and time again in school to BE HUMBLE. I love it. Never apologize for your art, own what you do. But don't try to hard. No one likes a show off or braggart.
Also when networking, keep in mind that if you don't establish a personal connection but are randomly telling people to watch your videos (remember my spam story from the beginning) people are going to be frustrated with you. Nobody cares. People are busy. I have learned that knowing who and why I'm contacting is what it's all about. Compliment them! Show them you know their work. Offer them something in return. You want to work with a big name YouTuber or make a connection with another online personality? Tell them why it would benefit them to work with YOU. Offer a trade. Tell them you want to feature them in a video or a blog. Go to them with a creative idea. Spark their interest, make a friend. They'll be curious and take a look at your body of online work on their own, you weren't impersonal or annoying about it and THAT'S when the magic starts to happen.
Network within your own sites and give people a reason to visit your sites. Have strange or funny captions on your daily booth pictures, invite your facebook friends to tweet back and forth with you while watching the finale of a show or an awards ceremony on tv. It's a chance to show off your funny one liners and a chance to be personal with your followers. @DeenaMarie
Make a video to entice your viewers and then tell them the rest is in your blog (see what I did there?).
Social media is a blessing and a curse. You can do it from anywhere, you can meet and collaborate with people from all over the world. You can present yourself the way you want to present yourself. Tell people what you want them to know, and nothing more. But keep in mind you can't please everyone! Not everyone will like you and when someone comments and says something hurtful you can sometimes jokingly give them a zing back, or just ignore them. I've tried to explain myself when someone has said something less than ideal but it never seems to work. I don't have a positive story of when we "talked it out and saw eye to eye" so just ignore, block and even delete. You don't need to let that negativity in and you don't need to spend your time feeding into the negativity of others. There's plenty else to do.
Keep yourself separate from it. You have to have self preservation and determination. We're all human and of course harsh words and unasked for opinions and criticism will happen. But don't dwell on what you know isn't useful information to you or blatantly hurtful to you. Doesn't matter. Keep going. Also remember that to your viewers it's often NOT personal, therefore someone may feel that you are there just for them, for their entertainment. You're not a real person, just a character and maybe you didn't make them laugh this time. And unlike a TV show, they can comment to you with something negative rather than just changing the channel. I'll never quite understand why someone ever takes the time to write something negative to anyone online, it would never cross my mind. I would just not watch but whatcha gonna do? ;)
You may also run into some scary (but manageable) situations with people accessing too much info about you online. Look into removing home addresses and phone numbers from sites that have made them available.
Think of your online life as a ongoing audition. Create the body of work, or stock, for yourself that you're proud to show off and have ready at the drop of a hat to link someone too. Keep your reels (headshots, resumes and portfolios) updated as much as you possibly can. Create the work that shows off you. Take inspiration from others who paved the way before you but don't get caught up in trying to emulate them. Use a few tricks they show you but be you. You'll find over time the parts of your personality that are most accessible and easy to share. Show your humor, your life, don't be what you're not. Anyone is interesting when showing who they specifically are or what they can specifically do, because nobody else in this world can be you. People will watch, I promise. Know your strengths and your weaknesses and be honest about it.
I like to run my online life part promoting what I've got going on, funny things that happen through the day, and snippets of what might go on in my real life. I have found that a key to get people involved in your social media is to appear busy, positive, friendly and accessible. You do want to get to know some of your viewers by name, build some relationships, interact. Ask questions, make a poll as your facebook status. Involve them. Let them know you're appreciative of the support they give you.
It's a fine line, knowing how much or how little to post via facebook and twitter. You really do have to experiment and find your personal niche over time and what works for you.
Learn as much as you can about what you're doing. If you are uploading to YouTube, learn the basics of a camera and editing. I edit almost everything I do. I was once a girl who didn't even know what Myspace was. I've come a long, long way. If I can don it, you can too.
Choose your online name wisely. My main YouTube channel is BeanerLaRue. It's because my nickname, since I was little, was Bean. Bean was of course taken. A friend years ago called me Beaner LaRue and spur of the moment, I went with that. Of course I was hoping and had great faith my online life would take off, but it wasn't until much later I was bummed I didn't just use my name. Or perhaps a show title. Which is why my channel banners (yes, I know have two partnered channels) are titled: The Deena Show: Woman of 1,000 faces.
Update your viewers all about what you are doing, not what you aren't doing. Smoke and mirrors. Make yourself sound cooler than you are, but without being a jerk of course. People will keep coming back if you're clever, fun, good natured, funny even sarcastic but err on the lighthearted side. Nobody wants to interact with a Debbie Downer.
My online life has led to all kinds of opportunities with outside companies hiring me. They pay well and I create a video for them that is funny, clever and promotes their product. It also led to being a Ford Fiesta Agent a couple years ago. This meant that I got to test drive a fiesta for six months. Gas and insurance paid by them, a trip out to training and instructions from a pro race car driver. All I had to do was go on a monthly ford mission, involve the car & upload that to YouTube. They even provided what was needed for the mission.
I've been featured on G4TV's Attack of the Show as one of the hottest women on the web as well as many celeb blogs and vlogs.
My musical twilight parodies have been the most popular and they've spread like wildfire on the internet. One was even played on MTV's, "It's on with Alexa Chung". You never know who is going to see you.
This is my third year of making a weekly video for our local City Weekly webiste. I've been presented with so many opportunities and jobs I never would have known about otherwise. It's paid to put myself out there. One thing leads to another and you find more and more how small our world is. Seriously.
Remember that you are your product. If you want to get yourself known, have the skills to back it up. So work hard, practice, be and look like who you want to be and what you want to represent. I think both quality AND quantity are important, but the emphasis has to go on quality. Spend time and put all you can into creating your art, whatever it may be. Be it vlogs, blogs, comedy, acting, writing, etc. It doesn't matter. You need to get experience, do it as much as humanely possible, create any opportunities and relationships you can. Be an entrepreneur.
There are two schools of thought on pursuing an "unconventional career". One will tell you to have a backup plan. The other will tell you not to have a backup because you'll ultimately fall back on it. Keep in the back of your mind whatever one rings true for you. I found my mix. For me it was ultimately not putting all of my eggs in one basket, but staying WITHIN the performing vein. Theatre, film work (through my agency), my own YouTube creations and modeling. In "real life" I do a lot of straight plays and usually dramas. In my online life, sketch comedy. And I've taken on a lot in between. I wanted to be versatile, a jack of many trades.
*A quick aside about agents. I am always surprised when people say they don't want representation (to be signed with an agent). Having an agent is invaluable even in our smaller scale city. Simply because they'll send you on auditions you would not have known about otherwise. More auditioning, more people to meet, more opportunity, more potential money to make. Be careful when choosing your agents here. A few are great, a few are...not. Never pay them money up front, or to sign. Ever. EVER. If they're legit and doing their job they'll contact you when an audition is right for you. They will not tell you to remind them you are a client and check in. They will not make you pay for pictures or classes.
It was brought up today that sometimes it's a matter of just hanging in there. In this business you'll have your ups and downs, I don't care how successful you are. Some days you'll feel like the luckiest person in the world, other times you will need a break from it all and feel drained. But keep on. Just do it. You'll be surprised by people who "drop out", move away, change career paths or lose interest. Honestly surprised. Don't wait for this, do your thing, but this will happen.
Pay was also brought up. I will never discuss money or actual figures or paychecks, I feel that is private. But people did have questions regarding what performers could be paid, and understandably so. There was talk of negotiating contracts. Now, in the case of YouTube if a company approaches me to hire me to make something for them, they will either tell me what they are paying or ask what my rates are. You can negotiate if need be and be prepared to do so. Experience with being hired for these kinds of jobs will give you knowledge in what is ballpark to expect. I was burned by a business only once and when I was approached again (by a different company) I did ask for half pay up front. If you do this, be very prompt with your end of the bargain. If we're talking acting (and I'm speaking locally only) your agents will 99.9% have the details for you at the time they ask if you can make the audition and will let you what the rate is if you book the job. If you are talking theatre, 99.9% of the time you'll see the pay when filling out your audition form so you will generally know what you're getting yourself into.
Last but not least, don't have a big ego. I don't care if you have 10 YouTube subscribers or 1 million. We're all doing the exact same thing on different levels. Be patient when you see someone making the amateur mistakes you once made. Give them a bit of advice if you can and be nice. You never know who the next big thing is gonna be, who you're going to inspire or who will be able to help you.
I myself still have a long way to go. That's the great thing about this biz. You're never "done". This is just where I am and what I've learned so far.
Recently I've read something that really inspired me and I promise it will do the same for you,
"How to Steal Like an Artist" by Austin Kleon. http://www.austinkleon.com/2011/03/30/how-to-steal-like-an-artist-and-9-other-things-nobody-told-me/
He's also one of my favorite twitters to follow. Follow him & tell him I sent you! :) @austinkleon
I'm sure I left a million things out, so if you have any questions please leave them in the comments below and I'm happy to respond!
Also, keep in mind that these are my feelings and experiences and yours will vary. ;)
For a list of all of my links to my various pages, visit my website http://www.deenamarie.biz
Thanks for reading & supporting!
Footage:
http://saltlakecomedyfestival.com/speakers/
I was one of four to sit on the panel to discuss making a name for yourself or your brand using social media alongside Jenna Kim Jones (script PA for "The Daily Show with Jon Stweart"), Comedian Marcus (Last Comic Standing), and Paul Draper (comedic magician).
The panel was a little over an hour and consisted of Q &A and tidbits from the four of us. With the four of us having such different areas of expertise and an audience with diverse goals and reasons for attending, it's difficult to get in all you would have to say on the subject. In fact, I'm sure each of us could have had an hour each to discuss exactly how we got to where we are today. Past trials & tribulations, ongoing struggles and some of the fantastic things that happen when you do achieve success.
It was a lot of fun and very interesting to hear what each of these talented and hard working individuals had to say, and what the audience was wanting to learn.
I wanted to put all of what I've learned so far in a blog so that it's out there anytime anyone needs a reference, is curious or maybe needs a dose of inspiration.
Here you go:
I'm a professional actress, a social media personality and a model. My love first and foremost is acting. Theatre, to be even more specific. I knew I wanted to be an actor by the end of high school and I worked my way up just like anyone. School plays, community theatre, college productions, paying productions and professional productions. I eventually joined the union, Actors Equity and have been working professionally as an equity actor for a few years now. My training comes from NYC. I graduated from the Atlantic Theater Co. Acting School and also took courses through Juilliard and NYU's musical theatre program CAP21.
I started uploading to YouTube the end of '07 and became a partner in '08. I decided to start uploading for several reasons. I knew I could deliver a quality video because I was a performer. I could act, create characters and entertain. I knew that comedic videos were what most people will watch (and what will hold their attention) on YouTube. I also knew that not everyone would find me funny, but that didn't matter. I would do what I found funny and the people who did get it would enjoy it. I also was becoming aware of "internet celebrities" for the first time and I was so surprised to find out there was such a thing. How were people making names for themselves online? I figured if they could do it, so could I.
I worked many hours a day in the beginning trying to reach people on YouTube. I went to the channels of "big name" youtubers and started contacting the people who were watching them. I left comments on their pages introducing myself and telling them to come and watch my videos. Now, I later learned that this is called spamming, and not the ideal way you'd want to approach things. But in doing this I did start to spark some interest. I also figured if I wanted people to see my videos, I should do something in the beginning that people would have a chance of seeing. Chris Crocker's "Leave Britney Alone" was still being talked about so my first video was a spoof on his. I could put words in the YouTube tags that people would most likely be searching for. I would also most likely be coming up in related videos when someone was watching his, or various spoofs. I also became aware of a game that was going around on youtube where you made a "5 facts video". Five facts about yourself then you tag five people to do the same, and so on. This was a great way to start connecting with other people.
I also became aware of the fact that YouTube wasn't just a place to see cute kittens and people falling down. There was a community of what I found out later were YouTube Partners. It's both small and large at the same time. It was smaller when I started, so it was probably easier to "meet" each other online. But it's still doable. I found almost all of them to be reachable, helpful and they started to become friends. Also, I kept an eye out for any contests going on on YouTube. I made a video entry for one and that put my video in a position to be seen by anyone who knew about or was viewing the entries. I also spoofed fellow YouTubers. Sometimes to a negative outcome, but I was still putting myself in "related videos" and catching attention. I stopped the random "spamming" and really did start to build a fan base by communicating with those who were watching as well as watching the videos of those I wanted to get to know and commenting, messaging and supporting them.
I was starting to hear people say I should apply for the YouTube/Google partnership program. I had no idea there was such a thing. I asked around and realized that meant that if you were accepted, you could make money when you uploaded your videos to YouTube because ads would run on them. People clicking the ads earns you money per click. I applied and was accepted in March 2008. I know other people with great content and fanbases who were rejected, or who got accepted after several tries (I'm not sure if this is still the case but you used to be required to wait 3 months before applying a second time). I was lucky. They responded about a month after I applied telling me I was in.
Since then I've built up a larger following. I have had friends who were YouTube partners larger than me give me shout outs and that gave me new fans and subscribers. I've collaborated via video with multiple YouTube partners and personalities. I've met many of them. My first (and so far only) YouTube gathering was the NYC 7/8/09 Gathering. It was fantastic and I'd love to do it again. Timing is a factor for me, I stay pretty busy and it hasn't worked out for me to get to another one or to Vidcon yet. But if you have the time and can afford it, that's a great way to go and meet other people who are doing what you're doing, pick their brains and form friendships.
It's bananas. You get viewers coming up to ask for autographs or pose for pictures and they are so nervous they're literally shaking. I've also sent out autographed headshots to viewers (I feel weird saying fans) who have asked. You are in the public eye. You are entertaining them. They do look up to you and you are famous to them. I always say that I never set out to be a role model, meaning I don't want to feel censored in whatever I wanted to do online, but when I've inspired someone? That's the greatest compliment I could ever get.
With a larger following comes recognition for the original recurring characters I've created. Everyone has their favorite or ask for a new vid from them by name.
When creating your online persona, it's a luxury to be able to control (for the most part) what others see and interpret of you. Most who are watching think that is you. How you must act or behave at all times. They truly feel they know you. But they only see snippets. For me, I put out an amped up version of myself or a character. "Deena Marie" online is not who I am at home in real life with friends and family. It's only a part of a personality. None of us are only one thing, or one thing at all times.
Figure out what you want to be. Do you like to be an open book or retain a sense of mystery? Find out what you're comfortable sharing online. There is no right or wrong way.
It may also change as you develop yourself or brand through the years. You need to keep people interested and maybe you want to mix it up and surprise your audience.
A lot of us out there go by a professional name that may or may not be the name we are called by at all times. We also may or may not give various ages depending on the people, the job and the situation.
I use both a facebook fan page and a personal facebook face. My personal page maxed out (stupid facebook friend limit) fairly quickly so I made the fan page. I went through a period recently where I felt like I needed a bit more privacy. There are times when I'd like to share a little more of what is going on in my real life, be more intimate. I removed about half my contacts from my real page. But as it turns out, there was really no point. I kept getting requests and contacted for events and such that I decided I wasn't going to worry about making that page too personal. Instead, I decided to be a little more picky over who I accepted, and those who I didn't choose to accept could go to my fan page. My fan page typically has more action than my personal page anyway. http://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow
In the future, I'll make a top secret page that is truly personal and only very close friends and family will be allowed there. It's definitely worth it, to me, to have the two profiles so that you are able to receive messages to one. Facebook is being used more than email, at times. I've had many opportunities come from those who were able to private message me via facebook.
I've gotten a lot of local press over the years. At times it may seem I'm a regular fixture in our local press. I worked hard to spread the word about what I was doing online, as well as working pretty regularly in our local theatre scene and really get my name out there. I've had covers of IN and City Weekly as well as features in the SLC Trib and more. I've been named a Best of the Beehive for SLC Magazine as "The Comedienne", a City Weekly best of Utah in Media/politics and will be in this summer's SLC Best of the Beehive again in the local celebrity photo shoot. Why? It's all about keeping myself in the public eye. Networking!
Let's talk about networking. A lot of people think networking means always being on, always performing. Personally that can make me uncomfortable. And it exhausts me. I find that when I'm on a film set that's when I experience it most. A lot of actor types are always trying so hard to be funny, to entertain, like I said to be on. Other people who work in production in local businesses can also attest to this behavior at times. Like a performer just dropping by to "say hi" but staying to "perform" or "entertain". Some people it works for and god bless them. For me? Well it's not me at all. I've found that people have been time and time again impressed with how I presented myself in the opposite way. I am humble, I am friendly, I am laid back and professional. I'll tell you what you want to know if you ask me or if it comes up. But if I'm doing a job for you, I'm simply doing a job for you. I don't need to tell you to check out all the work I've ever done online and then bust out a character for you on the spot. Be real, make friends, impress upon a client or someone you want to work with your positivity and professionalism and do your job. Don't overstay a welcome, don't overshadow. Be accessible. I'm the perfect example of just being me in real life and not needing to be the "performing Deena Marie" when not performing in order to make a name for myself. I'm often far more interested in who people are outside of what they do. I figured there must be others who feel that way. And there are.
*It was pressed upon us time and time again in school to BE HUMBLE. I love it. Never apologize for your art, own what you do. But don't try to hard. No one likes a show off or braggart.
Also when networking, keep in mind that if you don't establish a personal connection but are randomly telling people to watch your videos (remember my spam story from the beginning) people are going to be frustrated with you. Nobody cares. People are busy. I have learned that knowing who and why I'm contacting is what it's all about. Compliment them! Show them you know their work. Offer them something in return. You want to work with a big name YouTuber or make a connection with another online personality? Tell them why it would benefit them to work with YOU. Offer a trade. Tell them you want to feature them in a video or a blog. Go to them with a creative idea. Spark their interest, make a friend. They'll be curious and take a look at your body of online work on their own, you weren't impersonal or annoying about it and THAT'S when the magic starts to happen.
Network within your own sites and give people a reason to visit your sites. Have strange or funny captions on your daily booth pictures, invite your facebook friends to tweet back and forth with you while watching the finale of a show or an awards ceremony on tv. It's a chance to show off your funny one liners and a chance to be personal with your followers. @DeenaMarie
Make a video to entice your viewers and then tell them the rest is in your blog (see what I did there?).
Social media is a blessing and a curse. You can do it from anywhere, you can meet and collaborate with people from all over the world. You can present yourself the way you want to present yourself. Tell people what you want them to know, and nothing more. But keep in mind you can't please everyone! Not everyone will like you and when someone comments and says something hurtful you can sometimes jokingly give them a zing back, or just ignore them. I've tried to explain myself when someone has said something less than ideal but it never seems to work. I don't have a positive story of when we "talked it out and saw eye to eye" so just ignore, block and even delete. You don't need to let that negativity in and you don't need to spend your time feeding into the negativity of others. There's plenty else to do.
Keep yourself separate from it. You have to have self preservation and determination. We're all human and of course harsh words and unasked for opinions and criticism will happen. But don't dwell on what you know isn't useful information to you or blatantly hurtful to you. Doesn't matter. Keep going. Also remember that to your viewers it's often NOT personal, therefore someone may feel that you are there just for them, for their entertainment. You're not a real person, just a character and maybe you didn't make them laugh this time. And unlike a TV show, they can comment to you with something negative rather than just changing the channel. I'll never quite understand why someone ever takes the time to write something negative to anyone online, it would never cross my mind. I would just not watch but whatcha gonna do? ;)
You may also run into some scary (but manageable) situations with people accessing too much info about you online. Look into removing home addresses and phone numbers from sites that have made them available.
Think of your online life as a ongoing audition. Create the body of work, or stock, for yourself that you're proud to show off and have ready at the drop of a hat to link someone too. Keep your reels (headshots, resumes and portfolios) updated as much as you possibly can. Create the work that shows off you. Take inspiration from others who paved the way before you but don't get caught up in trying to emulate them. Use a few tricks they show you but be you. You'll find over time the parts of your personality that are most accessible and easy to share. Show your humor, your life, don't be what you're not. Anyone is interesting when showing who they specifically are or what they can specifically do, because nobody else in this world can be you. People will watch, I promise. Know your strengths and your weaknesses and be honest about it.
I like to run my online life part promoting what I've got going on, funny things that happen through the day, and snippets of what might go on in my real life. I have found that a key to get people involved in your social media is to appear busy, positive, friendly and accessible. You do want to get to know some of your viewers by name, build some relationships, interact. Ask questions, make a poll as your facebook status. Involve them. Let them know you're appreciative of the support they give you.
It's a fine line, knowing how much or how little to post via facebook and twitter. You really do have to experiment and find your personal niche over time and what works for you.
Learn as much as you can about what you're doing. If you are uploading to YouTube, learn the basics of a camera and editing. I edit almost everything I do. I was once a girl who didn't even know what Myspace was. I've come a long, long way. If I can don it, you can too.
Choose your online name wisely. My main YouTube channel is BeanerLaRue. It's because my nickname, since I was little, was Bean. Bean was of course taken. A friend years ago called me Beaner LaRue and spur of the moment, I went with that. Of course I was hoping and had great faith my online life would take off, but it wasn't until much later I was bummed I didn't just use my name. Or perhaps a show title. Which is why my channel banners (yes, I know have two partnered channels) are titled: The Deena Show: Woman of 1,000 faces.
Update your viewers all about what you are doing, not what you aren't doing. Smoke and mirrors. Make yourself sound cooler than you are, but without being a jerk of course. People will keep coming back if you're clever, fun, good natured, funny even sarcastic but err on the lighthearted side. Nobody wants to interact with a Debbie Downer.
My online life has led to all kinds of opportunities with outside companies hiring me. They pay well and I create a video for them that is funny, clever and promotes their product. It also led to being a Ford Fiesta Agent a couple years ago. This meant that I got to test drive a fiesta for six months. Gas and insurance paid by them, a trip out to training and instructions from a pro race car driver. All I had to do was go on a monthly ford mission, involve the car & upload that to YouTube. They even provided what was needed for the mission.
I've been featured on G4TV's Attack of the Show as one of the hottest women on the web as well as many celeb blogs and vlogs.
My musical twilight parodies have been the most popular and they've spread like wildfire on the internet. One was even played on MTV's, "It's on with Alexa Chung". You never know who is going to see you.
This is my third year of making a weekly video for our local City Weekly webiste. I've been presented with so many opportunities and jobs I never would have known about otherwise. It's paid to put myself out there. One thing leads to another and you find more and more how small our world is. Seriously.
Remember that you are your product. If you want to get yourself known, have the skills to back it up. So work hard, practice, be and look like who you want to be and what you want to represent. I think both quality AND quantity are important, but the emphasis has to go on quality. Spend time and put all you can into creating your art, whatever it may be. Be it vlogs, blogs, comedy, acting, writing, etc. It doesn't matter. You need to get experience, do it as much as humanely possible, create any opportunities and relationships you can. Be an entrepreneur.
There are two schools of thought on pursuing an "unconventional career". One will tell you to have a backup plan. The other will tell you not to have a backup because you'll ultimately fall back on it. Keep in the back of your mind whatever one rings true for you. I found my mix. For me it was ultimately not putting all of my eggs in one basket, but staying WITHIN the performing vein. Theatre, film work (through my agency), my own YouTube creations and modeling. In "real life" I do a lot of straight plays and usually dramas. In my online life, sketch comedy. And I've taken on a lot in between. I wanted to be versatile, a jack of many trades.
*A quick aside about agents. I am always surprised when people say they don't want representation (to be signed with an agent). Having an agent is invaluable even in our smaller scale city. Simply because they'll send you on auditions you would not have known about otherwise. More auditioning, more people to meet, more opportunity, more potential money to make. Be careful when choosing your agents here. A few are great, a few are...not. Never pay them money up front, or to sign. Ever. EVER. If they're legit and doing their job they'll contact you when an audition is right for you. They will not tell you to remind them you are a client and check in. They will not make you pay for pictures or classes.
It was brought up today that sometimes it's a matter of just hanging in there. In this business you'll have your ups and downs, I don't care how successful you are. Some days you'll feel like the luckiest person in the world, other times you will need a break from it all and feel drained. But keep on. Just do it. You'll be surprised by people who "drop out", move away, change career paths or lose interest. Honestly surprised. Don't wait for this, do your thing, but this will happen.
Pay was also brought up. I will never discuss money or actual figures or paychecks, I feel that is private. But people did have questions regarding what performers could be paid, and understandably so. There was talk of negotiating contracts. Now, in the case of YouTube if a company approaches me to hire me to make something for them, they will either tell me what they are paying or ask what my rates are. You can negotiate if need be and be prepared to do so. Experience with being hired for these kinds of jobs will give you knowledge in what is ballpark to expect. I was burned by a business only once and when I was approached again (by a different company) I did ask for half pay up front. If you do this, be very prompt with your end of the bargain. If we're talking acting (and I'm speaking locally only) your agents will 99.9% have the details for you at the time they ask if you can make the audition and will let you what the rate is if you book the job. If you are talking theatre, 99.9% of the time you'll see the pay when filling out your audition form so you will generally know what you're getting yourself into.
Last but not least, don't have a big ego. I don't care if you have 10 YouTube subscribers or 1 million. We're all doing the exact same thing on different levels. Be patient when you see someone making the amateur mistakes you once made. Give them a bit of advice if you can and be nice. You never know who the next big thing is gonna be, who you're going to inspire or who will be able to help you.
I myself still have a long way to go. That's the great thing about this biz. You're never "done". This is just where I am and what I've learned so far.
Recently I've read something that really inspired me and I promise it will do the same for you,
"How to Steal Like an Artist" by Austin Kleon. http://www.austinkleon.com/2011/03/30/how-to-steal-like-an-artist-and-9-other-things-nobody-told-me/
He's also one of my favorite twitters to follow. Follow him & tell him I sent you! :) @austinkleon
I'm sure I left a million things out, so if you have any questions please leave them in the comments below and I'm happy to respond!
Also, keep in mind that these are my feelings and experiences and yours will vary. ;)
For a list of all of my links to my various pages, visit my website http://www.deenamarie.biz
Thanks for reading & supporting!
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