June 1...catching up

"Infantry Monologues" is closed.  

We had a very successful run, especially for a new theatre company.  To say I learned a lot along the way would be an understatement.  I've said before, I want all acting experiences.  So far, I've been very lucky in getting to do all the things I've wanted to do.  A one woman show is one of them.  This monologue ran just under 40 minutes.  40 freaking minutes of just me out there.  What a workout! It's like running a marathon!

A few things happened along the way of the rehearsal process and performances that made for bad energy and difficulty for me.  I learned a long time ago to "wipe your feet at the door".  This means you leave the drama outside, you do your job, and when you're done in the theatre you can go back to your life.  I have always done and always will do this...and this show solidified it times ten.  As hard as it was to be strong and focused I know now more than ever it doesn't matter what is happening, I get the fucking job done.  I can have a bad day, be upset, have cried all day, have just read an uneducated review, but it doesn't fucking matter.  

I'll be damned if anyone or anything dares to take away even an ounce of honor in my job.  

I put my blood sweat and tears into my work.  I fall off the face of the earth.  So you know what? It doesn't matter if someone doesn't like a moment or a choice, the next person will.  It doesn't matter if someone compares me to a past performance of mine, that's not healthy.  That was then, this is now and enjoy it or not but don't tell me to keep living up to or recreating something else.  That's not reality.  Don't compare my acting self to my youtube self.  Those are two completely separate entities of me.  Those two women don't even know each other.  I have been and will be an actress first and foremost.  It's all I dreamed of since high school.  I was the little girl who couldn't get outta town  and get to NYC fast enough.  I ate, slept and breathed acting...especially theatre.  Youtube videos only came into my life a year ago.  Trust me, all actors know critique and harsh judgment comes with the territory, but it doesn't get any easier.  Why would it? We're just people doing a job like anyone else.  As you grow up and only get better maybe that's why it's harder...you know your shit better than anyone who's not in the biz judging you. 

What matters is that I love what I'm doing.  That I relish it.  That I remind myself every single time how lucky I am to be doing a show.  That other people would kill to be in my shoes.  That I believe in myself and what I can offer 110%.  That hearing my piece (of the three) was someones favorite, or made them cry, or moved them, or that they came a second time...that audience response isn't wrong.  I feel damn strong and proud of my work out there.  I had a fantastic closing performance yesterday, what a great way to end the whole experience.  I know I kicked ass out there.  I also hope it's not the last time I do a one woman show.  Only next time, I want it to be my own.  Something I write and direct and act in and play original characters.  

Right before I started rehearsals, I wondered if I needed an acting hiatus.  I wondered if I was in a phases where I was burning out, needing to find my passion for the stage again, thinking maybe I'd decline roles for a year or so.  Guess what.  I just rekindled my passion and then some.  

I could not feel more satisfied with my performance in the run of the show. :)

I started getting sick during the night last night.  I got no sleep at all and today I feel like I've been run over by a truck.  I think everything I've done the last month has caught up to me and I really need some time to sleep and recharge and say goodbye to the show.  As soon as I do, I've got my stack of scripts right next to me to start reading and preparing for.  

I'm a lucky girl.  

xo Deena 

http://www.twitter.com/deenamarie