What will I do?

Week one of "HAIR" is done. Recharging, resting my voice until thursday now. Three weeks left. That's it. Do you know how fast that will go by? I rarely get caught up in the "what will I do post show" anymore. But this time is different. I have a feeling I'm gonna be a little blue. Sure there will be other shows. Things already look *potentially* good. But it's my "HAIR". I want to do it forever. I want to do it for a month after. Two months after. A year! Everything about the show is truly kismet and I am so in love with it I don't know how long it will take me to get over it.

So. I've checked nearly all my dream roles off my to do list. Almost all of them. Let's put some wishes out into the universe, shall we?

1.) Gypsy
I've wanted to play Gypsy for years. Come on, it's perfect. Will someone put this on already?

2.) The Donkey Show
I was THISCLOSE to getting it Off Broadway in NYC. Now it's playing through 2010 at American Rep.
Let's do this here. I'd love to play Tatania, but I'll take about anything.

3.) Romeo & Juliet
Juliet. I'm a chick, what can I say.

4.) Chicago
I'll take Velma or Roxy

5.) Summer and Smoke
Alma. It's been one of my favorite plays since I was in high school.

And...let's throw in a Urinetown, a Jekyll and Hyde, a King and I, I'm sure there's a few more.

Okay universe, work your magic!

Deena Marie xo

"HAIR" opening night!

Last night was the opening night of "HAIR".

What a surreal day. It was THE day. The day I'd waited for for years. I just wanted it to go well. To be special.
It was. It was maybe my favorite opening night yet. It felt fun. It felt right. It felt magical.

It was a rare moment in life where everyone and everything was as it should be. These people, this building, this night.

During the last song was when I could feel it sweep over me at it's strongest. I felt more than ever I was living in THAT MOMENT. Right now. Letting it in, feeling so much. Almost unexplainable. AND we got a standing ovation!

I've done this a LONG time. I've done some absolutely amazing things in my career this far. But I don't know that it will ever feel quite like THAT again.

Wow.

That's when you know there is a higher power, energy, whatever it is that creates good. That does look out for you at times and for whatever reason gives you something truly special .

I'm so grateful for this experience I could burst.

Hypocrisy, Forgiveness & Perfection

On my mind...

The definition of Forgiveness:
To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
To renounce anger or resentment against.

I never thought I'd be one to forgive. How can you forgive when you can't forget? And when I've been wronged, I'm an elephant. I held onto grudge like nobody's business.

A great blog on Holding a grudge:
http://drjoelwade.blogspot.com/2005/03/dont-hold-grudge.html
An excerpt: "To hold a grudge is to keep yourself in a Mercurial orbit about whatever has hurt you. To accept what has happened, to forgive when and as you genuinely can, and to will yourself to look around at the larger context within which that solar event is but a point of light, is to give yourself the gift of a continuing journey."

I've learned (I'm still learning) that it's okay to change your mind and ideals. I've recently forgiven something big and I couldn't be happier about it. Consider forgiveness for each fall-out you may have. Time and reflection make a difference. Honor the guts it must take someone to come back with an apology. Especially if it's something you couldn't have done yourself. I thought that forgiving would make me a hypocrite (next section below) but I no longer believe that to be true.

A quote: "If you are at war with others you cannot be at peace with yourself".


* * * * *
Definition of a Hypocrite: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue and religion.
a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.
Definition of Hypocrisy: the act of persistently professing beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities or standards that are inconsistent with ones actions. Hypocrisy is thus a kind of lie.

Hypocrisy scares the bejesus out of me. I know we all do it. Now if we mean to or not, is another story. I am who I am. I've always been myself and true to what I believe to be right, right for me. I don't worry about what people think, or people pleasing. I could care less. I think everyone should be that way, and stand up for themselves and their beliefs. What I can't get past are people that blatantly tell one person of their hatred for someone or something, then go to that very person or place and shower them with compliments. Who are you lying to? What's true? How can there be any kind of trust in friendship when you live your life that way? When done in such a calculated manner, it's something I'll never understand.

A quote: "Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins. We parry and fend the approach of our fellow-man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs. We cover up our thought from him under a hundred folds."
On my mind...

* * * * *
The definition of Perfection:
freedom from fault or defect.
An unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence.

Just googling and reading the definitions alone makes me laugh. Freedom from fault or defect? Unsurpassable excellence or accuracy? Well, that's impossible so that should make perfectionists breathe a little sigh of relief. I used to be the queen of the perfectionists. This manifested itself over the years in different ways. Too personal to get into now. But physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. I used to beat myself up over my "lack of perfection" like you wouldn't believe. It was enough to ruin a day, a week, an entire experience. With time and growing up I've naturally chilled out. I've learned to savor and enjoy much more than I ever would have thought possible. But every now and then I'll get hit with it. Maybe it won't last as long, but that feeling can come up out of nowhere to bite me again. Maybe it's something I'll always struggle with at various times in my life. Maybe when I have a handle on one aspect it will sneak into another. I currently know where it's living, so I'm keeping an eye on it.

A quote: "Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing"

xo DMM

Oh, just rehearsing...

If you would have told me ten years ago that I'd grow up to play most of the dream roles I'd wanted to play, to be onstage *knock on wood* regularly, that I'd hear of a musical called "HAIR" one day, fall in love with it from the first time I heard "Flesh Failures" and think to myself, "I'd give anything to play Sheila", wait six years for the opportunity and finally get it, I probably would have passed right out.

Today is June 16th. We open on the 25th.

It happens as it does every time. The first day of rehearsal seems so far away. Then it's here. A week or so in things feel impossible and you wonder why you do this to yourself. A day or two later you're over the hump and you remember that anything is possible. Before you know it you're a week away. Then you'll have a month of performing...and that will be that.

I have a little over a month to live in the world of "HAIR".

This one has really, really got to me. It's different. It's so precious, so special. I've had hardly any other distractions. I haven't split my focus on anything else. I needed to have this experience 100%.

Isn't acting weird? We live for this. For fleeting moments of pure happiness. For total heartbreak when it's over. For the hope of what's next. For falling in love all over again with a new role. It never changes through time. It's what we gave ourselves to years ago, and that's that.

A job where you don't get to pick. You don't choose when you'll work and when you wont. You are ready and willing and hungry at every moment. You get two hours at night to do that job. A magic, unexplainable two hours when all is right in the world and you can feel it from the inside out, this is what I was meant to do.

xo Deena Marie

Update from last post - SUNLOVE Beauty Scandal

Get a load of this!
Please read my last blog if you haven't!

Apparently I'm not the first to go through the SUNLOVE scam/abuse.
After putting the word out of my own personal experience, I've been sent many links to videos, blogs, screen shots & more from other (young female internet personalities) who have gone through the same thing.


Take a look at this and read the comment section!!
http://www.contently-managed.com/blog/2009/09/28/beauty-and-the-beast-is-sunlove-attitude-as-fake-as-their-tan-or-is-fuck-off-the-way-forward-in-social-media/



Video from a youtuber
more youtubers are mentioned that sunlove treated poorly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HqREjxSJeQ


And her blog:
http://www.gemsmaquillage.com/2009/09/important.html


Another
"Abuse from SunLove"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HFDSzee-Ro


Another
"SunLove Drama"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKcPBs_26Ds


And another - This one is especially an important read
"Tanning Scams"
Several "SunLove Drama" blog entries here
http://tanningscam.blogspot.com/



And (as I'm updating this blog from a couple of days ago) just today (June 14, 2010) I received another menacing message to my youtube account from Darian Braun.

Looking at the comments on that first blog post, if he really is a 50 year old man... I'm speechless.

I believe all of the above to be completely true, that he's the only person behind SunLove. That he doesn't pay up, that there is an excuse after excuse for awhile, then he threatens, harasses and tells YOU to apologize to HIM. Meanwhile, he's either made off with your money or hasn't paid you. BEWARE.

And I'm glad the word is out.





xo

Deena

Sun Love Beauty - scandal

If you've seen my tweets the last two days you know something went bad with a business deal I was doing with Sun Love Beauty, which is a self tanner. Let me tell you in detail what happened and why I was mad enough to tweet publicly.

Over three months ago I was contacted several times from Sun Love Beauty's youtube channel via messages. They wanted to pay me to do a video promoting their product. I've done this for various companies numerous times. I've never had a bad experience. When this kind of business goes on, in my experience, there hasn't always been a contract signed. I was feeling trusting, it was not only a fellow youtuber but a real business. After checking out their website I agreed.

At first we discussed ideas of spoofs, the contact who was writing back & forth with me throughout signed the emails Darian. He was very nice. I came up with Little Miss Honey Bee using the product in a fake commercial and told him it would be awhile, as securing studio space and editing green screen takes awhile.

The deal was to have the video autoplay on my channel for about a week, tweet, promote, etc. I did more and left it up longer. When I emailed Darian at youtube Sun Love the link he wrote back saying thank you, that he was having a bad day and he was cheered up by my video, etc. And that he had 125 units of lip gloss he was going to give me.

No mention of payment was included in his message. I waited awhile and finally wrote to ask (and I hate being the one to broach it) what the time frame was of being paid, finishing up this deal. I should mention this was not for much money, at all. The money itself was never the issue. What began to bother me more and more, as you'll read, is the fact that they were flaking on me.

I had been able to write back and forth with Darian regularly. I always quickly responded to him and vice versa. Suddenly it was becoming quite difficult to get a response.

The next message I get is that he was away for passover and wasn't there to sign checks and would take care of it asap.

I wait another couple weeks...nothing. I write back and a message comes back awhile later saying Darian is in the hospital with heart trouble. This time it's signed with a different name.

I wait a few more weeks. Nothing. I write back, I resened, I wait. Then Dairan writes back telling me he's stopped checking the youtube messages as often and he's still not feeling well, god is telling him to slow down. He asks if I can please email him instead.

We start to email and the first response back, he doesn't know who I am and I have to explain. He says he doesn't recognize me without my youtube name (even though I've always signed our messages with my real name.) I'm told he's sent someone over to another office to find out what's going on with my payment, as he had issued that over a week ago.

I hear again a payment was sent and am given some 4 digit tracking number.

I keep trying to get ahold of someone and nobody seems to want to help anymore so yesterday is when I tweeted, warning others that doing business with them is shady. In my experience, it absolutely was. I don't want another youtuber putting the time and effort into making them a video to help them promote, and getting ripped off. If I can warn them, then I'll do it.

Now I'm tweeted back that the video wasn't what they wanted so it didn't benefit them. In their tweets they tell me "you were hired to do satire and you did your own thing" and that I "have a lot of nerve".

Let me link to my video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OSQH3cz9pI

Let me define satire.

satiric - satirical: exposing human folly to ridicule; "a persistent campaign of mockery by the satirical fortnightly magazine"
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
satirist - a humorist who uses ridicule and irony and sarcasm
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Now there is an internet battle. So. Lame. I tweet them back telling me they have a lot of nerve for deciding NOW the video wasn't what they wanted.

This just in.

I check my email, and Darian has sent me several emails. First he's outraged that I made fun of passover? And called him a liar (heart trouble)? I tell him uh, no, nothing is being made fun of, I'm merely listing the excuses for why I wasn't paid. Did I use the word liar? Nope. Did I make fun of a religion? Nope. Wether the excuses I was given were true or false, those were what I was told. I get two more that say I might want to mention (insert here other terrible things that have happened to him) and that he's going to make this personal, that I need to apologize, I'm not important to the company, that we had discussed a pink house and I made it green (I have no idea what that means, we've never discussed a house lol so now clearly, things are being made up) so how can I want money when I didn't do what he asked, (again, there was a deal to make a video and be paid and this is the first I'm hearing that they didn't approve the video) to GO TO HELL and that he wishes he WAS A WOMAN SO HE COULD BEAT MY ASS. Yes. He said that. Yes, I'm saving all of this. Yes, he's threatened me.

At the end of the day, I think my point is proven. Never in my life have I encountered business people like this. In the end they win, they got a video out of me and had no intention to pay me. If I mean that little to their company, they should laugh at my foolishness (no contracts signed) and go on about their day. But no. I get threats! Unreal. If they're gonna be like this, you bet I'll spread the word.

I hesitated with making it public, it's just more promotion for them. I don't know if they realize that.
Probably. They're probably having a good laugh over this, the messing around with me.
Nobody is that dumb. They can't be for real.

But like I said, I don't want fellow youtubers having to deal with this.

And like I've said, I have every bit of correspondence saved.
I stand by everything I've said / sent to them. I'm guilty of nothing other than persistence.

Wow....

Moral of the story, kids. Always sign a contract!
Be CAREFUL who you trust online.

Yes I changed my hair. I do it often.

Every time I change my hair it's a huge deal....to some of you guys.
Never to me.

What you may not realize, is my hair has been every color and cut known to man. Within the last three years alone I've been a brunette, pitch black, bright red and blonde.

It's a never ending cycle. Change is good. I'll always be mixing it up, and have for over ten years.
Everyone has their favorite, and whatever mine is at the moment is mine.

I haven't seen my natural (medium brown / with a reddish tone) in years.

I strongly encourage gals & guys to embrace change and have fun! I know some people are afraid to cut, dye, etc. Don't be. It's a ton of fun and the quickest way to spruce up your look.

Okay? Okay. LOLZ :)

Deena Marie

ABOVE PICS:

top one was taken yesterday
blonde is 2007
black is 2008
red is 2007

People are buggin'!

WORK.
In the last week, I've come across not one, not two, but SIX flaky business people. Nearly half an hour late to a meeting and no apology. Not showing up on time at a designated meeting spot, leaving me locked out and heading home. #WasteOfTimeAndGas Another three who have told me they want to hire me and are not good about details / getting back to me. Last but not least, another who suddenly keeps giving me the run around every time I have asked for the payment I am owed and is LONG overdue. Seriously? I was taught from the time I was a little girl that on time is 15 minutes early. That you NEVER flake. Gonna be late? CALL. Hold up your end of the bargain. Be responsible. This is business. This is you. Professionalism is EVERYTHING.

PLAY.
When did I make so many one sided friendships? When did people start expecting me to be the one to initiate everything? Why do I only come to YOU? Give YOU gifts (no, I don't care about presents, it's the gesture)? Listen to YOU on the phone and am never asked what's going on with me? Never congratulated on what I'm doing (when I've been the biggest cheerleader for these "friends")? *OR* It's the opposite. You want too much from me. You expect too much and show no appreciation (and in MY opinion, from my husband, too).

Enough already.

I don't appreciate being given the run around, treated poorly or taken advantage of.

I might have to stop giving second chances here :(

#Bummer

Utopia, ghosts and time travel...oh my!

Did you watch the "Lost" finale? What did you think?

I came into "Lost" a season or two late and was immediately captivated by it like I've never been by a show before. It had my perfect elements. One of the most intriguing ideas to me is that of creating a utopian society. "Animal Farm" is in my top three books of all time. I love the movie "The Beach" (even thought nobody else did) and have watched it a zillion times. Love "Lord of the Flies". I am fascinated by the idea of a group of people trying to create a place in which to live in perfect harmony, without leaders, (hippies, too) and how it's destined to divide, fall apart. Absolutely intrigued. Perhaps because there is a part of me that wants it and desperately wants to believe it could work.

I remember reading this in a book in elementary, "Believe in everything until it's proven to be untrue". I was a little girl with a giant imagination and wholeheartedly believed the impossible. For a long time. As I've grown up and began to realize I'm of a much more post modern mind (which saddens me), I still love to feel inspired by a true believer that something magic can happen.

Enter John Locke.

Couldn't walk until he landed on The Island? Knew it was his calling to be there? To lead (out the window goes utopia)? Oh. Oh my.

I had my favorite character, the one I wished I was. I spent a childhood waiting for something like that to happen to me. Wasn't I destined to be whisked away to rule a magical land? Here we have a grown man who waited his whole life for it to happen. And it did.

This is what made "Lost" so great for me.

Then came end of the season where we learn we've been seeing flash forwards. They've left the island. The scene where Jack & Kate meet and he's a mess and tells her he's spending his time flying over the ocean, hoping to crash to get back on the island, how they were never supposed to leave? One of the best moments I've ever seen on tv. Again...the hope of a magical place that does exist, where you're meant to be.

After that it got messy to me. Time Travel. Aside from "Donnie Darko", I have a hard time with time travel. It's frustrating and confusing. Here I desperately want to believe in the impossible, but time travel is truly scientific, mathematical, and I need concrete proof. Explanation.

Locke wasn't Locke anymore. I felt like he'd died in vain. It began to get into a story about good vs. evil. Jacob vs. the man in black (and wait a minute...didn't we already have Locke vs Ben?). It got a bit too mystical for me. Left too much unanswered. It became a story about too many things, characters, elements, etc. There was no way for it all to tie together or wrap up. But I never gave up on it. I was nervous for the finale, I thought it might end up being a show about, well, nothing.

What was this? What was this about? Would I ever know?

The end came. I watched all four and half hours. The true finale was the last two and a half hours and when it began I realized how much I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I don't even know how to put into words how I felt while I watched it. I have never ever been like this (felt like that) about a tv show. Actually, I've only felt like that one other time in my life, after reading "Life of Pi". I was so impacted by that when I read it over a year ago, I still think about it daily. I still discuss it with my sweetheart.

I think I cried through the whole thing. I felt like as messy as it had gotten, it ended with perfection. The characters coming together again, to be together in another place, the meant to be.

And then they were dead. Dead!

Here's where I need to tell you how much I love that element. "Sixth Sense", yes. "The Others", even better. And "Lost"? Wow. I never see it coming and it gets me every time! Why is it so...well...sad? We know learn that the sideways flashes were a kind of purgatory. A possibility that was suspected all along, turns out it was true, yet was a total surprise.

Now we have new realms opened up. Religion, yes. But even better, reincarnation. Could the purgatory/sideways flashes have, in fact been another life where they corrected their wrongs?

I won't be good at wrapping this up...I just needed to write my thoughts. I needed to tell the world how profound it was to me and how rare. I know why, a little bit. But I also don't know why. I don't know why I'm getting teary even writing this. I don't know why it bled over to the next day and physically affected me. I had a "Lost" hangover and red, swollen eyes.

I guess it's because I was a child who desperately wanted to believe in it all. Who knew better than to ever 'grow up' and lose that childhood magic. The belief that all things are possible. It begins to go in spite of our decision not to let it. It's inevitable. And "Lost" was so lovely it let me truly escape back to remembering what it was to innocently and simply believe in magic again...the meant to be.

I don't think there will ever be another show like that in my lifetime...

♥ ♫ I Believe in Love ♫ ♥

It starts. Tonight is our first "HAIR" rehearsal. I have a feeling this will be one of those plays. More than a play. A life changer. One of lifes magic moments. I have waited so long. I want to give in, give over and give to this and get from this.

Today is a new day.
There's been a lot on my mind lately that I've been pondering and wanting to change and I think today is the perfect day to begin.

In our profession we are so critical, catty, full of judgement. We're all narcissistic and think our way is the only way. That's the negative side. And I need a break from it. I am going to try my hardest to knock it off when I'm guilty of it and to not let the negativity of others in.

I need to remember we create our own reality and "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". If you have that, you have it all.

I want to live in positivity. In good. In love. That's all.
Just simplify and be vibrant and believe in me and what I have to give, and give it.

And relax. And enjoy the ride. And be kind. And draw kindness to me.

I want to savor my experiences, not stress so much. I choose to choose happiness at all times. Live peacefully. Everyone needs a reminder that we can't control what others will think or do, but we can control our actions and reactions. At the end of the day, we can be whoever we dream to be, to get all out of life that we want, to be happy...if we create it for ourselves. We can all use a reminder to stop and let the dust settle and focus on what matters most.

For me, I need to once again learn to go slow. To say no.

Yes. I think this is the perfect day to begin.

Ironman 2

Saw Ironman 2 last night. Wasn't as good as the first. Sequels seldom are. I swear to god every time I go to a movie the most annoying person in the crowd is next to me or behind me. Sure enough, two chicks behind us talked and laughed way too loudly through everything. I don't even like going to movies anymore. It's not comfortable, I shift the whole time 'cause the chairs hurt my bum and I cant stand strangers too close to me, chomping their food, texting, and talking like it's their own living room. Sofa king rude.

Anyway. Mickey Rourke was a badass. Now that's an actor for you. Such a small role, he had probably one page of dialogue and what a character he created! I wanted to see more of him. Sam Rockwell was great. You were so annoyed by him. Robert I'll always love but I wanted him to have cooler stuff to do, like in the first movie. The drunken fight in the house with Don Chedele was lame. Gwenyth I usually love, and she did a fine job, but I'm never sure what I think of the casting choice for Pepper. Then there was Scarlett Johanson. I don't think she holds her own alongside such heavyweights. She's the same in every movie. I didn't believe that she was that tough and kicking ass. She isn't physically right, she doesn't look strong. I read that Emily Blunt was supposed to play Black Widow originally. Now that would have been badass. Evangeline Lily would have been awesome, too.

I love superhero movies. I wanted to love this second one as much as the first, but I had moments where I zoned out. Granted, it was hard to concentrate with two chatterboxes behind me.

Spiderman is still my #1. I think I love just about everything about all three Spiderman movies. So far, nothing can beat it for me.

What is your favorite superhero series?

To be a "grown up"

Blogging is weird. I am private as can be all over the web...but what's the point of blogging if not to share yourself? Lucky you, whoever is reading this blog, you get the most insight into a day in the life of Deena Marie! :)

What does it mean to be a "grown up"? How do you know when you are? How do you know when you're an adult? I look at girls, er, women that I know who are starting families and I still can't quite fathom it. How do you know when you're ready to grow up and be a mom? How do you make the decision that you're not a kid anymore and it's time to go on to the next phase of your life? I see girls I went to high school with who have more than one baby and I just can't wrap my head around it. Right now I know countless ladies who have just had a baby, or gotten preg. I feel like such a baby myself I wonder if I'll ever feel differently. Should I? I have never been the girl who wanted to, in fact, grow up and be a mom. I have a mom. Mom. That's her job. That's not my job. I'm her baby. Mom. Seems so...old? But I look at the women I know and they certainly aren't old. I guess it's weird because I don't quite have those feelings and that...need? All I truly want is to keep performing. I can't imagine taking time out of doing what I am absolutely in love with to completely *change* my body and put myself through that. I can't imagine it almost at all. I'm not gonna lie, it's vanity. I'm in a vain profession. The thought of gaining baby weight and having to worry about losing it all stresses me the hell out. I can't imagine it would be an enjoyable physical condition for me. Don't get me wrong. Women who go through this are freaking rockstars. How unselfish and how awesome they are willing to do it. I just know when / if it's ever *gulp* me I have to be a zillion more times mentally ready than I am now. I would have to try to think of it as a break from, well, my life. Right now the last thing I want is a break. Is that wrong? Is it wrong I don't have those maternal instincts like other chicks? I love my puppy so much, as only other dog people will understand, I really can't imagine loving something more than him. He is my baby. He depends on me. I give him the best life ever. I can't imagine...more. The thought of a little baby sounds kinda cool..but then I think about it growing up, having to take it places, lessons, play dates, having to help it through heartbreak and hurt. Oh lord. At least I can protect my puppy at all times. I don't know that I'm cut out to be that responsible for someone else. Which brings me back to HOW DO YOU KNOW when it's time to grow up? I certainly don't have things 100% figured out! How could I ever be someones parent until I did? I don't want to lead any little baby astray. I very much have a sensitive side. I get my feelings hurt. How would I ever deal with a little human version of myself and my sweetheart getting their feelings hurt? Anyone who has anything negative to say about my puppy I want to punch in the face. I guess right now I like being the baby. I like my life just the way it is...and maybe that's totally ok. Maybe I'll be a slow bloomer in this respect, because I'm just not ready to grow up anytime soon.

In other news, yesterday was spent doing a photo shoot for Fresh Peaches swimwear. They sent me two lovely vintage inspired suits, photos will be used online and posters will be in their California store!

I also filmed you a video




Thanks for reading, watching, supporting, you know. :)
twitter.com/DeenaMarie

And so, it begins...HAIR

It's May! It came so fast! Do you know what this means? This is the month "HAIR" rehearsals start. I had such a busy April, with "Amerigo", "Persian Quarter" and on saturday, "And the Banned Slammed on". Other than a few auditions through the month, I'm now ready and able to immerse myself in full hippie-ness.

I've waited for this moment for so long. Years. I want to savor every second of this experience. Something tells me it will be life changing for all of us involved.

xo

Deena Marie

Baby

I just met one of my BFF's new baby boy! He is gorgeous. One week old, tomorrow. So crazy to see a close friend as a mom now. She went through a lot for him to be here, I am blown away and still trying to fathom it all. She's a superhero...and he's absolute perfection.

The Acting / Modeling Blog

I get asked for advice. A lot. I tend to stay vague, simple. There are very, very few with whom I discuss my true feelings and thoughts on a precious subject.

I live in Salt Lake City. There IS a professional scene here in town, but it is small. Very small. Obviously. On one hand, the NYC scene seemed small to me too. I began seeing the same people at auditions, but Salt Lake is it's own thing.

Let's talk theatre. I know actors who say it's too hard to have their equity card here, that there is no work. Others have asked if I think they should work towards getting theirs. Because we live where we live, this is a very individual thing. Taking my equity card, knock on wood, has been the best move I could have made. I have done at least two plays a year since and had great insurance that made very expensive prescription affordable when I needed it. I like being a professional. I like being taken seriously. I like working on a different level. To those wondering if they should, I'd say work at every professional theatre in town first. Make sure you know you can get cast there. If you are a straight actor as well as a musical theatre performer your chances at working more are much better. There is so much more opportunity to work professionally as a straight actor in this town, but we have more musical folks. Make sure you get roles first. Actual leading roles. No need to take your card if you're always chorus. You just won't work.

Training. Okay, this is touchy. I don't want to offend anyone, so I'm not sure how to say this. I trained and graduated in NYC. It was absolutely invaluable. I couldn't have come this far without it. Too many people in this town do not train. In my experience, and I've been doing this a long time, it is a VERY VERY VERY rare person who does not need to train. A workshop through a local agency is NOT sufficient. I'm not even going to comment on what I think of some of Utah's local BFA programs. This is why I stay out of conversations on acting, technique, etc. with most of my fellow actors. I'm over that part of it, at least for now. I lived that in NYC for years, and day in and day out that was ALL any of us could talk about. Now I'm more interested in who actors are if they AREN'T talking about acting. I feel what I've learned is from another world, and I'm on my own here that way. As I think back on the performances that blew me away, that forever changed me and made me want to do this in the first place, they were by polished, trained performers. Down the road I believe that the best form of training is doing it, but formal training is the starting point.

Now let's talk film and modeling. I have the best agents in SLC. Do I work a lot? Not a lot as it's not LA. Have I booked jobs? Yes. Is it worth having representation? Yes. What blows my mind is how many "actors" I come across who think they don't need representation, who think they can do it all on their own. I guess it's one thing if this is your hobby, not your career and it's worth your time to go out with a group of "filmmakers" and collaboratively shoot your student film. If you don't want to make any money or work professionally, then by all means knock yourselves out. But it's just playing pretend. It's not serious. Look at it this way, don't you at least want to get sent on auditions that you wouldn't know about otherwise? Isn't opportunity what we're all looking for?

Modeling here is nuts. Any and every girl seems to call herself a model because they've got a Model Mayhem page and have done a few TFCD shoots. That's great to build up your portfolio...and hell, I'll still shoot an occasional TFCD if the photographer is great and can offer me something I've yet to do, but please. There are "models" in this town who, I'm going to say it, don't look anything like models. Try your hand at the biz anywhere else? A big city? You'd be in for a rude awakening. I am surprised to see how many people there are playing "pretend". Doing shoots, uploading mediocre photo after mediocre photo, from mediocre photographer after mediocre photographer. I guess if it's all in good fun and again, a hobby, it's okay. But there are people I've come across that take it all WAY to seriously.

Again, "filmmakers" who don't have a reel to show you?! Who talk a big game but don't have a script for you to read. Who have learned a few lines from their Acting 101 manual that they can toss you to "entice" you.

There are so many bogus agencies here, and the fact that they're in business and suckers keep on falling for it BLOW MY MIND!

It's hard to have tolerance, patience.

I have decided to become even more selective with who I work with and the connections I make. I work too hard, I've built to much to let others share in it who don't deserve it.

I'm not trying to be a bitch, just smart. Professional. An adult.

One persons opinion. You know how it is, "one persons opinion" is what we tell ourselves in this business each time we don't agree with something. :) We are all narcissistic (yes, we are or why would we chose this path?) we all think we're right.

So there you have it, folks. My personal opinion.
A personal opinion from someone who does this as a career...not a hobby.

xo Deena Marie