My New York Diaries - Part 8

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I got off the plane and my parents and one of my close girlfriends Rachel, who'd also been there to see me off, met me at the gate. What I was completely unaware of at the time was that I'd gained weight. Like I said before I have a good metabolism and I can get away with a lot, but this was the first and only time in my life I was consuming far too many sugary alcoholic drinks and eating late at night after drinking. Let me tell you, if you follow this eating and drinking plan for too long you're not going to be happy with the results. With everything going on in my new life, I somehow hadn't noticed just how much weight I'd gained. Looking back on it now, my parents and Rachel must have been quite startled.

When I finally noticed was when I was back in my old room, going through all of the clothes I'd left behind and deciding what to take back to NYC and realizing nothing fit!




Oh my god! I was in panic mode. What was I going to do?! While I was home I clearly wasn't drinking and eating that way and I started doing one of my moms old workout tapes. Seeing pictures from our family Christmas eve party to this day makes me cringe. I can't believe I let things get so out of control.

By the time I went back to NYC although I wasn't quite as slender as I had been, I'd lost the majority of it.

During my break at home, I got a call from Mark. Of course. And just as predicted, he needed us to "just be friends". Whatever. That was fine with me. But the wishy washy behavior confused me. As I said earlier, he was a good 7 or 8 years older than me. I expected more mature behavior.

I can't remember too many details about that initial trip home, or flight back to NYC for the second semester.

The Guy was still on my mind but I was becoming scared. I didn't know what to do. My feelings hadn't gone away, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen from here or how to approach it. I became nervous all over again. Time had gone by since the party and nothing had progressed. What do I do? Chase him? Avoid him? I didn't know.

The next journal entry was the following.



Feb. 24

"Geez...I don't know why I don't write anymore. I feel as thought I'm losing the desire, but I don't want to. So many things...so many changes...maybe I don't write because I talk it out to my mom. Maybe I don't have the time. Maybe I'm tired. I don't know! Sometimes I sure wonder about me! I wonder about the people in my old life...or lives...how their journeys are unfoloding and how I wish sometimes to be one of the old Deena's. Which one would I be?

...sometimes just any Deena but all of a sudden on her own in a fast-huge-too-big-very-adult-world Deena. Anyway. Why am I running away from guys? Why? What's my problem? Am I so hurt? Am I so scared? Who has really hurt me? Who has truly scarred me? Does it have to do with emotion, sex, touch, trust, all of the above? What is it I'm so scared of getting or not getting? Maybe it's getting harder...but I'm not clicking with anyone. No, I could. If someone would give me the time and the patience! I could share myself but I have to make an effort as well. I have to try. I can't run away. I have to force myself. Well...I'm having issues with not even wanting to write. Maybe I'm turning into a thinker. A philosopher. If only I had it in me to write my journey."



Oscar and Jenny had become roomates! They were in Washington Heights and living with a girl who was dating a boy in his final year of school. That boy was non other than Jason Ritter, John Ritters son. He was so kind, unassuming, almost shy. I saw him often and saw him perform a number of times. He was always a funny and solid performer. He is still with the same girlfriend to this day.

My time in NYC would also lead me to have wonderful stories to tell about John Ritter, that's coming later.

At the beginning of fall, when I'd first started school, I remember walking behind a girl from another class who looked closer to my age. She was thin and cute and dressed fashionably. She represented to me the epitome of an NYC girl. I wanted to be friends with her. I was bummed that there weren't girls like this in my class. I wanted to meet more people my same age.

A new semester meant the chance to meet new people. The girl I'd been so impressed by, Lynne was in my class! At last! We became fast friends and she would soon prove to be a very big and important part of my story.

I also met a boy from another class in The Lounge who had red hair and was adorable. There was a bit of a flirtation, but mostly he was just incredibly nice. We got along, we could joke and be silly. We would draw funny little pictures. His name was Ned and he was in class with The Guy.

One day at school I got wind something was going on in an empty classroom that I needed to know about. I walked in and there against the wall were Martha and Jenny. Martha was consoling Jenny. She was crying and when I came in the room she cried harder and said something about how telling me what was going on was going to be the worst part.

Then she said the unthinkable. She was quitting school. What?! Jenny was leaving me?! How could this have happened? We were also finally in the same class and had even just been able to work on a scene together!

In the end, we all had our journeys. New York called each of us for one reason or another and her journey was taking her elsewhere. In the end this would turn out to be a positive thing. We would remain close and it became helpful and healthy for me to have a close friend outside of school, when I needed a break from school friends.

Meanwhile, I was working hard on a scene from "Golden Boy" in one of my classes. We had performed it already a time or two when we got big news.

The ATC was founded by William H. Macy and David Mamet. It was said Macy was a visitor to the school every other year or so. Mamet also came by at times. Well, this was one of those times. David Mamet would be coming in for a master class and some of the students would be performing scenes for him. The scenes were going to be chosen and posted. When the list went up, I anxiously and nervously looked.

Oh my god. Out of the conservatory first year students the only one chosen...was our Golden Boy.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I want to say real quick how I've recently been in contact with Oscar again! We had yet to find each other on facebook and finally did. He stayed in NYC longer than I did and only recently did he leave. He's been working on a documentary about NYC. I was able to see the first two clips so far and it gave me chills. It made me emotional. It made me feel justified and a part of something truly special, sacred even. Only those who were there in that place and time truly know how it felt and how it shaped us for the rest of our lives. It made me feel understood, without words. Sometimes it does take this long to process. To find your way to form it, give it life and get it out. The synchronicity that we're both working on these projects at the same time is too much for me to put into words. But I've never felt so connected to something so profound.



Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html

My New York Diaries - Part 7

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

During school, we had 10 minute breaks every hour and half as you would in a professional rehearsal. Almost everyone in class would get up and go outside to smoke. It was so different to me. Nobody I knew smoked like that at home.

Everyone, teachers included, seemed to all have the same favorite word. Fuck. I heard it all day everyday and nobody batted an eye. I was no prude, I used it to, it was just how nonchalantly it was used that surprised me at first. Again, nobody at home (especially any teachers I'd ever had) spoke completely freely. I liked it.

I smoked my first cigarette. Sorry mom and dad. I was successfully distancing myself from Martha and growing closer to Jenny. As Christmas break was approaching we went out to one of her favorite places. She loved greek bars, restaurants (and greek men) and seemed to know where they all were. We had food, drinks and a smoke. I didn't tell her until years later that it had been my first cigarette. I just tried to look like I knew what I was doing. Yes, this was way back when smoking was still allowed inside. I can remember just where we were sitting, our cozy candlelight table and snow falling outside. The nostalgia of remembering that night gets me every time.

I don't remember if I'd seen The Guy again since the party, I'm sure I was stressing about it all when suddenly a detour with Mark came out of nowhere just as I was about to head back to SLC for our break.

Dec. 12

"...[a group of us from school] were out last night and of course, I was one of the last to leave. I was only going to take a cab with Mark to the one/nine but then he asked me to go to a play with him in the morning and crash with him. So I said yes, thinking I just wanted to be with him like old times. We'd drink, we'd crash and cuddle and that would be it..."

(Well. It wasn't all that happened. And I wasn't too thrilled with what had happened. I don't think we went to a play the next morning.)

"...Afterwards he was all about giving me his email address, kissing me goodbye at the bus stop, god I don't know. Maybe I'll get an email in his typical Mark pattern saying that this time we really need to "just be friends". Or maybe he thinks we'll have a "thing". But there's not going to be a relationship...

...anyway, Mark knows about The Guy. After his inquiry [about The Guy], his ripping on him impersonation of his "Scarface" scene he said, "The Guy seems like a nice guy...but do you like him?"

...passing through Hoboken then Weehawken, thinking how fitting to end where I began. The place that started it all. Launched my adventure. How did I ever handle it there and who was that girl? I'll write when in the sky..."


And then I hoped on a plane to take me back home for the first time since all of this had happened. How would it be? I couldn't feel more different. About everything. What would it be like to see my family? My friends? Would it be weird? I'd changed. Surely they'd changed. I had a new life. It was filling up with new people and places. What would we talk about now? What would it be like to sleep in my old bed? I was happy to be going home for this holiday in particular and pack up more of my clothes and belongings to take with me when I returned to NYC.

And how on gods green earth had that just happened with Mark? That hadn't even happened with The Guy. I wasn't into Mark, and things had just started happening with The Guy. What the hell? It was all sorts of weird and confusing.


On the plane I wrote.

Dec. 12
"In the sky...and I really don't have anything to say. I guess it's because I'm viscerally and mentally so filled, so busy, I can't even begin to straighten out my thoughts. So I'll just turn up the volume of the travel channel to drown myself out, and continue to feel the way I've felt (to various degrees) for who knows how long now. A little fuzzy, a little tuned out, out of adjustment, zen."



Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html

My New York Diaries - Part 6

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I chopped my hair off and dyed it dark. I'd had short haircuts before but more often than not my hair was long. I wanted a new look for my new life and a girl in my class gave me the name of the hairdresser and salon she went to, explaining to me here in NYC you tip each person separately. Hair washer, hair stylist, etc. I pretended to know what I was doing but I probably didn't do it right...or in the appropriate amounts. Three hundred dollars later I had the most expensive haircut I'd ever had up to that point and a new look.

I saw Ben Stiller filming a movie.
One night I went to the village to meet some friends. Walking to the bar, I passed Ben Stiller who was in the middle of shooting and was surprised at how tiny but how handsome he looked in person, right there a foot away from me. After some drama at the door about me "forgetting" my ID (which only happened occasionally) I was able to get into a fabulous bar. Later on when I got to the subway to head all the way back to The Bronx I was exhausted and drunk and laid down for the long ride home. A cop appeared out of nowhere and told me to sit up, sleeping in the subway was not allowed. If I remember correctly, I think I gave him a little attitude. I was starting to feel like a real new yorker! :)


I spent my first major holiday away from my family. I spent it with Jenny and Oscar. We met early on Thanksgiving morning for breakfast and watched part of the Macy's Parade. It was freezing. We couldn't stay outside for long. Jenny had a white coat that bundled her completely from head to toe. We all laughed about it then but now I will be the first one to tell you that sacrificing fashion for warmth in NYC during winter is well worth it.

I think Jenny cooked for us and we had a lot of wine. We ended up back at my place in The Bronx where we watched a movie and consumed more wine.

This would be the beginning of a tradition for the three of us. The "holiday kids", we later called ourselves and would spend every holiday together from then on.

It was hard for me not to be with my family for the first time but I wouldn't trade the memory of freezing my ass off and laying on my uncomfortable deflated air mattress watching my tiny tv screen with them for the world now.

Sometimes you don't realize the magic of the moment until later, when it becomes something sacred.

In The Lounge one day, Ben (who'd first told me that The Guy was taken) came in and made a beeline for where I was sitting and looking back and forth between me and Martha he said, "Which one of you is it that likes The Guy, again?" I exclaimed, "me!" He said, "well he just broke up with his girlfriend". Oh. My. God. The Guy was now available.

Bobby laughed at me over my pining away for The Guy, telling me the way I was describing him he'd "expected an adonis" and was surprised when I had finally pointed him out.

I'm sure Bobby expected someone like himself (a type often seen around Chelsea). Tan, bulging biceps and designer jeans. No, that was not The Guy.

The Guy was a combination of a young Robert Downey Jr and Johnny Depp with maybe a drop of Chris Noth. I say young, because he was, very young. Back then, he was 23 years old. But it was older than me, he was in his final year of school and to teenage me, it all seemed very grown up. Yes I thought he was terribly handsome, but there was just something about him. I was completely drawn to him.

One night soon after there was another showcase of scenes from other classes. I was going to get to see The Guy perform for the first time. I can still remember what I was wearing. It was the night I was going to have to introduce myself and I'd gone over it and stressed about it a zillion times over the last couple of months. I'd often thought I was going to do and would chicken out. It was now or never.

He did a scene from "Scarface" and I only know this because I wrote it in my journal. I honestly don't remember the performance. I do remember walking up to him after, where he was standing with a group of guys. Great, can we make this any more intimidating? But I did it! I introduced myself and told him he did a great job. I don't know if I said anything else or what he said in return but that was that.

I remember walking home and calling my mom to tell her every word exchanged and how scary it was and how proud of myself I was for finally doing it. I'm sure it was a lengthy phone call where I wanted everything analyzed and then analyzed again. Oh the analyzing and agonizing. It's just what young girls do.

Okay, so there'd finally been contact with The Guy! But now what?

Well there would be a party in the NYU dorms that would change everything.

I remember meeting up with a group of people in the lobby, including Lisa and Tony from the ATC office who knew about my crush (I think I'd told just about everyone by this point) and were bursting with excitement to tell me that The Guy was upstairs at the party! Oh my god. I told them this was it, they had to help me hook this up. I was in a black skirt and a fabulous black sweater that I lost in one of my many moves. What was this pattern of losing my favorite sweaters in NYC? It was basically backless, held together by thin tie. I wish I had it now, I'd never been able to find anything else like it. I was feeling confident, determined this was going to be my night, and ready to go upstairs to the party.


12/3
"Last night I was with The Guy. The Guy! They Guy! They Guy I saw on the first day of school, before school even started and who I haven't been able to take my eyes off since. The ATC party in the NYU dorms...The Guy standing out, so apart from the crowd. Black turtleneck, black leather jacket, glasses with tinted yellow frames. Ben, Lisa and Tony all passing messages. The Guy finally coming over. "

*I should interject here, we were all drinking and I was in balls out mode that night. When he came over it was as if he was meeting me for the first time. What the hell? I was in no mood to go over all this again. I'd been patient long enough. "I've met you before" was one of the first things out of my mouth and I again, gave a little attitude. I don't think he remembered. I should also mention that he was there with a date, a girl named Theresa from another class. You wouldn't have known it. They were hardly hanging out together. Date or not, remembering me or not, that night he stayed talking to me and paid me a great deal of attention.

...someone at some point telling us to kiss. The Guy grabbing my head and kissing me. Me telling him I want to kiss him again. Us kissing again. Him telling me to follow him. Me knowing what that meant. I followed him into a room that was 'no good', then us finally finding the stairwell for what felt like a long, long time...

...telling me I was so beautiful. So firey. How I reminded him of fire. Like something you know you shouldn't do, but do anyway. How firey was a very good thing."


We had planned to leave the party together, when Theresa had a freak out. The two of them ended up in the stairwell, talking it out and she was crying. I was waiting and it was taking forever. Finally I poked my head in. He came out and said he'd have to take a raincheck, "definitely a raincheck" (I do want to say that with youth often comes a carelessness of other peoples feelings. I am fully aware now that I, well both of us, disrespected Theresa that night).


Holy shit. Did all of that really just happen?!

It was a good thing...right? Was it good? Was it bad? What in the world was it going to be like at school tomorrow?

"Something you know you shouldn't do, but do anyway" was running through my mind.

* * * * * * * * * *

The diary I was keeping at the time had quotes in it. On this particular entry the quote was:
"You were once wild here. Don't let them tame you!"


Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html

Advice from Deena Marie on networking & promotion!

This weekend the first ever SLC Comedy Festival took place. Two days of classes and events, with everything from stand up performances to creative writing classes to improv to this mornings marketing panel.

http://saltlakecomedyfestival.com/speakers/

I was one of four to sit on the panel to discuss making a name for yourself or your brand using social media alongside Jenna Kim Jones (script PA for "The Daily Show with Jon Stweart"), Comedian Marcus (Last Comic Standing), and Paul Draper (comedic magician).

The panel was a little over an hour and consisted of Q &A and tidbits from the four of us. With the four of us having such different areas of expertise and an audience with diverse goals and reasons for attending, it's difficult to get in all you would have to say on the subject. In fact, I'm sure each of us could have had an hour each to discuss exactly how we got to where we are today. Past trials & tribulations, ongoing struggles and some of the fantastic things that happen when you do achieve success.

It was a lot of fun and very interesting to hear what each of these talented and hard working individuals had to say, and what the audience was wanting to learn.

I wanted to put all of what I've learned so far in a blog so that it's out there anytime anyone needs a reference, is curious or maybe needs a dose of inspiration.

Here you go:

I'm a professional actress, a social media personality and a model. My love first and foremost is acting. Theatre, to be even more specific. I knew I wanted to be an actor by the end of high school and I worked my way up just like anyone. School plays, community theatre, college productions, paying productions and professional productions. I eventually joined the union, Actors Equity and have been working professionally as an equity actor for a few years now. My training comes from NYC. I graduated from the Atlantic Theater Co. Acting School and also took courses through Juilliard and NYU's musical theatre program CAP21.

I started uploading to YouTube the end of '07 and became a partner in '08. I decided to start uploading for several reasons. I knew I could deliver a quality video because I was a performer. I could act, create characters and entertain. I knew that comedic videos were what most people will watch (and what will hold their attention) on YouTube. I also knew that not everyone would find me funny, but that didn't matter. I would do what I found funny and the people who did get it would enjoy it. I also was becoming aware of "internet celebrities" for the first time and I was so surprised to find out there was such a thing. How were people making names for themselves online? I figured if they could do it, so could I.

I worked many hours a day in the beginning trying to reach people on YouTube. I went to the channels of "big name" youtubers and started contacting the people who were watching them. I left comments on their pages introducing myself and telling them to come and watch my videos. Now, I later learned that this is called spamming, and not the ideal way you'd want to approach things. But in doing this I did start to spark some interest. I also figured if I wanted people to see my videos, I should do something in the beginning that people would have a chance of seeing. Chris Crocker's "Leave Britney Alone" was still being talked about so my first video was a spoof on his. I could put words in the YouTube tags that people would most likely be searching for. I would also most likely be coming up in related videos when someone was watching his, or various spoofs. I also became aware of a game that was going around on youtube where you made a "5 facts video". Five facts about yourself then you tag five people to do the same, and so on. This was a great way to start connecting with other people.

I also became aware of the fact that YouTube wasn't just a place to see cute kittens and people falling down. There was a community of what I found out later were YouTube Partners. It's both small and large at the same time. It was smaller when I started, so it was probably easier to "meet" each other online. But it's still doable. I found almost all of them to be reachable, helpful and they started to become friends. Also, I kept an eye out for any contests going on on YouTube. I made a video entry for one and that put my video in a position to be seen by anyone who knew about or was viewing the entries. I also spoofed fellow YouTubers. Sometimes to a negative outcome, but I was still putting myself in "related videos" and catching attention. I stopped the random "spamming" and really did start to build a fan base by communicating with those who were watching as well as watching the videos of those I wanted to get to know and commenting, messaging and supporting them.

I was starting to hear people say I should apply for the YouTube/Google partnership program. I had no idea there was such a thing. I asked around and realized that meant that if you were accepted, you could make money when you uploaded your videos to YouTube because ads would run on them. People clicking the ads earns you money per click. I applied and was accepted in March 2008. I know other people with great content and fanbases who were rejected, or who got accepted after several tries (I'm not sure if this is still the case but you used to be required to wait 3 months before applying a second time). I was lucky. They responded about a month after I applied telling me I was in.

Since then I've built up a larger following. I have had friends who were YouTube partners larger than me give me shout outs and that gave me new fans and subscribers. I've collaborated via video with multiple YouTube partners and personalities. I've met many of them. My first (and so far only) YouTube gathering was the NYC 7/8/09 Gathering. It was fantastic and I'd love to do it again. Timing is a factor for me, I stay pretty busy and it hasn't worked out for me to get to another one or to Vidcon yet. But if you have the time and can afford it, that's a great way to go and meet other people who are doing what you're doing, pick their brains and form friendships.

It's bananas. You get viewers coming up to ask for autographs or pose for pictures and they are so nervous they're literally shaking. I've also sent out autographed headshots to viewers (I feel weird saying fans) who have asked. You are in the public eye. You are entertaining them. They do look up to you and you are famous to them. I always say that I never set out to be a role model, meaning I don't want to feel censored in whatever I wanted to do online, but when I've inspired someone? That's the greatest compliment I could ever get.

With a larger following comes recognition for the original recurring characters I've created. Everyone has their favorite or ask for a new vid from them by name.

When creating your online persona, it's a luxury to be able to control (for the most part) what others see and interpret of you. Most who are watching think that is you. How you must act or behave at all times. They truly feel they know you. But they only see snippets. For me, I put out an amped up version of myself or a character. "Deena Marie" online is not who I am at home in real life with friends and family. It's only a part of a personality. None of us are only one thing, or one thing at all times.

Figure out what you want to be. Do you like to be an open book or retain a sense of mystery? Find out what you're comfortable sharing online. There is no right or wrong way.

It may also change as you develop yourself or brand through the years. You need to keep people interested and maybe you want to mix it up and surprise your audience.

A lot of us out there go by a professional name that may or may not be the name we are called by at all times. We also may or may not give various ages depending on the people, the job and the situation.

I use both a facebook fan page and a personal facebook face. My personal page maxed out (stupid facebook friend limit) fairly quickly so I made the fan page. I went through a period recently where I felt like I needed a bit more privacy. There are times when I'd like to share a little more of what is going on in my real life, be more intimate. I removed about half my contacts from my real page. But as it turns out, there was really no point. I kept getting requests and contacted for events and such that I decided I wasn't going to worry about making that page too personal. Instead, I decided to be a little more picky over who I accepted, and those who I didn't choose to accept could go to my fan page. My fan page typically has more action than my personal page anyway. http://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow

In the future, I'll make a top secret page that is truly personal and only very close friends and family will be allowed there. It's definitely worth it, to me, to have the two profiles so that you are able to receive messages to one. Facebook is being used more than email, at times. I've had many opportunities come from those who were able to private message me via facebook.

I've gotten a lot of local press over the years. At times it may seem I'm a regular fixture in our local press. I worked hard to spread the word about what I was doing online, as well as working pretty regularly in our local theatre scene and really get my name out there. I've had covers of IN and City Weekly as well as features in the SLC Trib and more. I've been named a Best of the Beehive for SLC Magazine as "The Comedienne", a City Weekly best of Utah in Media/politics and will be in this summer's SLC Best of the Beehive again in the local celebrity photo shoot. Why? It's all about keeping myself in the public eye. Networking!

Let's talk about networking. A lot of people think networking means always being on, always performing. Personally that can make me uncomfortable. And it exhausts me. I find that when I'm on a film set that's when I experience it most. A lot of actor types are always trying so hard to be funny, to entertain, like I said to be on. Other people who work in production in local businesses can also attest to this behavior at times. Like a performer just dropping by to "say hi" but staying to "perform" or "entertain". Some people it works for and god bless them. For me? Well it's not me at all. I've found that people have been time and time again impressed with how I presented myself in the opposite way. I am humble, I am friendly, I am laid back and professional. I'll tell you what you want to know if you ask me or if it comes up. But if I'm doing a job for you, I'm simply doing a job for you. I don't need to tell you to check out all the work I've ever done online and then bust out a character for you on the spot. Be real, make friends, impress upon a client or someone you want to work with your positivity and professionalism and do your job. Don't overstay a welcome, don't overshadow. Be accessible. I'm the perfect example of just being me in real life and not needing to be the "performing Deena Marie" when not performing in order to make a name for myself. I'm often far more interested in who people are outside of what they do. I figured there must be others who feel that way. And there are.

*It was pressed upon us time and time again in school to BE HUMBLE. I love it. Never apologize for your art, own what you do. But don't try to hard. No one likes a show off or braggart.

Also when networking, keep in mind that if you don't establish a personal connection but are randomly telling people to watch your videos (remember my spam story from the beginning) people are going to be frustrated with you. Nobody cares. People are busy. I have learned that knowing who and why I'm contacting is what it's all about. Compliment them! Show them you know their work. Offer them something in return. You want to work with a big name YouTuber or make a connection with another online personality? Tell them why it would benefit them to work with YOU. Offer a trade. Tell them you want to feature them in a video or a blog. Go to them with a creative idea. Spark their interest, make a friend. They'll be curious and take a look at your body of online work on their own, you weren't impersonal or annoying about it and THAT'S when the magic starts to happen.

Network within your own sites and give people a reason to visit your sites. Have strange or funny captions on your daily booth pictures, invite your facebook friends to tweet back and forth with you while watching the finale of a show or an awards ceremony on tv. It's a chance to show off your funny one liners and a chance to be personal with your followers. @DeenaMarie

Make a video to entice your viewers and then tell them the rest is in your blog (see what I did there?).

Social media is a blessing and a curse. You can do it from anywhere, you can meet and collaborate with people from all over the world. You can present yourself the way you want to present yourself. Tell people what you want them to know, and nothing more. But keep in mind you can't please everyone! Not everyone will like you and when someone comments and says something hurtful you can sometimes jokingly give them a zing back, or just ignore them. I've tried to explain myself when someone has said something less than ideal but it never seems to work. I don't have a positive story of when we "talked it out and saw eye to eye" so just ignore, block and even delete. You don't need to let that negativity in and you don't need to spend your time feeding into the negativity of others. There's plenty else to do.

Keep yourself separate from it. You have to have self preservation and determination. We're all human and of course harsh words and unasked for opinions and criticism will happen. But don't dwell on what you know isn't useful information to you or blatantly hurtful to you. Doesn't matter. Keep going. Also remember that to your viewers it's often NOT personal, therefore someone may feel that you are there just for them, for their entertainment. You're not a real person, just a character and maybe you didn't make them laugh this time. And unlike a TV show, they can comment to you with something negative rather than just changing the channel. I'll never quite understand why someone ever takes the time to write something negative to anyone online, it would never cross my mind. I would just not watch but whatcha gonna do? ;)

You may also run into some scary (but manageable) situations with people accessing too much info about you online. Look into removing home addresses and phone numbers from sites that have made them available.

Think of your online life as a ongoing audition. Create the body of work, or stock, for yourself that you're proud to show off and have ready at the drop of a hat to link someone too. Keep your reels (headshots, resumes and portfolios) updated as much as you possibly can. Create the work that shows off you. Take inspiration from others who paved the way before you but don't get caught up in trying to emulate them. Use a few tricks they show you but be you. You'll find over time the parts of your personality that are most accessible and easy to share. Show your humor, your life, don't be what you're not. Anyone is interesting when showing who they specifically are or what they can specifically do, because nobody else in this world can be you. People will watch, I promise. Know your strengths and your weaknesses and be honest about it.

I like to run my online life part promoting what I've got going on, funny things that happen through the day, and snippets of what might go on in my real life. I have found that a key to get people involved in your social media is to appear busy, positive, friendly and accessible. You do want to get to know some of your viewers by name, build some relationships, interact. Ask questions, make a poll as your facebook status. Involve them. Let them know you're appreciative of the support they give you.

It's a fine line, knowing how much or how little to post via facebook and twitter. You really do have to experiment and find your personal niche over time and what works for you.

Learn as much as you can about what you're doing. If you are uploading to YouTube, learn the basics of a camera and editing. I edit almost everything I do. I was once a girl who didn't even know what Myspace was. I've come a long, long way. If I can don it, you can too.

Choose your online name wisely. My main YouTube channel is BeanerLaRue. It's because my nickname, since I was little, was Bean. Bean was of course taken. A friend years ago called me Beaner LaRue and spur of the moment, I went with that. Of course I was hoping and had great faith my online life would take off, but it wasn't until much later I was bummed I didn't just use my name. Or perhaps a show title. Which is why my channel banners (yes, I know have two partnered channels) are titled: The Deena Show: Woman of 1,000 faces.

Update your viewers all about what you are doing, not what you aren't doing. Smoke and mirrors. Make yourself sound cooler than you are, but without being a jerk of course. People will keep coming back if you're clever, fun, good natured, funny even sarcastic but err on the lighthearted side. Nobody wants to interact with a Debbie Downer.

My online life has led to all kinds of opportunities with outside companies hiring me. They pay well and I create a video for them that is funny, clever and promotes their product. It also led to being a Ford Fiesta Agent a couple years ago. This meant that I got to test drive a fiesta for six months. Gas and insurance paid by them, a trip out to training and instructions from a pro race car driver. All I had to do was go on a monthly ford mission, involve the car & upload that to YouTube. They even provided what was needed for the mission.

I've been featured on G4TV's Attack of the Show as one of the hottest women on the web as well as many celeb blogs and vlogs.

My musical twilight parodies have been the most popular and they've spread like wildfire on the internet. One was even played on MTV's, "It's on with Alexa Chung". You never know who is going to see you.

This is my third year of making a weekly video for our local City Weekly webiste. I've been presented with so many opportunities and jobs I never would have known about otherwise. It's paid to put myself out there. One thing leads to another and you find more and more how small our world is. Seriously.

Remember that you are your product. If you want to get yourself known, have the skills to back it up. So work hard, practice, be and look like who you want to be and what you want to represent. I think both quality AND quantity are important, but the emphasis has to go on quality. Spend time and put all you can into creating your art, whatever it may be. Be it vlogs, blogs, comedy, acting, writing, etc. It doesn't matter. You need to get experience, do it as much as humanely possible, create any opportunities and relationships you can. Be an entrepreneur.

There are two schools of thought on pursuing an "unconventional career". One will tell you to have a backup plan. The other will tell you not to have a backup because you'll ultimately fall back on it. Keep in the back of your mind whatever one rings true for you. I found my mix. For me it was ultimately not putting all of my eggs in one basket, but staying WITHIN the performing vein. Theatre, film work (through my agency), my own YouTube creations and modeling. In "real life" I do a lot of straight plays and usually dramas. In my online life, sketch comedy. And I've taken on a lot in between. I wanted to be versatile, a jack of many trades.

*A quick aside about agents. I am always surprised when people say they don't want representation (to be signed with an agent). Having an agent is invaluable even in our smaller scale city. Simply because they'll send you on auditions you would not have known about otherwise. More auditioning, more people to meet, more opportunity, more potential money to make. Be careful when choosing your agents here. A few are great, a few are...not. Never pay them money up front, or to sign. Ever. EVER. If they're legit and doing their job they'll contact you when an audition is right for you. They will not tell you to remind them you are a client and check in. They will not make you pay for pictures or classes.

It was brought up today that sometimes it's a matter of just hanging in there. In this business you'll have your ups and downs, I don't care how successful you are. Some days you'll feel like the luckiest person in the world, other times you will need a break from it all and feel drained. But keep on. Just do it. You'll be surprised by people who "drop out", move away, change career paths or lose interest. Honestly surprised. Don't wait for this, do your thing, but this will happen.

Pay was also brought up. I will never discuss money or actual figures or paychecks, I feel that is private. But people did have questions regarding what performers could be paid, and understandably so. There was talk of negotiating contracts. Now, in the case of YouTube if a company approaches me to hire me to make something for them, they will either tell me what they are paying or ask what my rates are. You can negotiate if need be and be prepared to do so. Experience with being hired for these kinds of jobs will give you knowledge in what is ballpark to expect. I was burned by a business only once and when I was approached again (by a different company) I did ask for half pay up front. If you do this, be very prompt with your end of the bargain. If we're talking acting (and I'm speaking locally only) your agents will 99.9% have the details for you at the time they ask if you can make the audition and will let you what the rate is if you book the job. If you are talking theatre, 99.9% of the time you'll see the pay when filling out your audition form so you will generally know what you're getting yourself into.

Last but not least, don't have a big ego. I don't care if you have 10 YouTube subscribers or 1 million. We're all doing the exact same thing on different levels. Be patient when you see someone making the amateur mistakes you once made. Give them a bit of advice if you can and be nice. You never know who the next big thing is gonna be, who you're going to inspire or who will be able to help you.

I myself still have a long way to go. That's the great thing about this biz. You're never "done". This is just where I am and what I've learned so far.

Recently I've read something that really inspired me and I promise it will do the same for you,

"How to Steal Like an Artist" by Austin Kleon. http://www.austinkleon.com/2011/03/30/how-to-steal-like-an-artist-and-9-other-things-nobody-told-me/
He's also one of my favorite twitters to follow. Follow him & tell him I sent you! :) @austinkleon

I'm sure I left a million things out, so if you have any questions please leave them in the comments below and I'm happy to respond!

Also, keep in mind that these are my feelings and experiences and yours will vary. ;)

For a list of all of my links to my various pages, visit my website http://www.deenamarie.biz

Thanks for reading & supporting!

Footage:

My New York Diaries - Part 5

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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This was a humorous scene about an audition gone awry. I can hardly remember it other than it was super cute and I wish I could somehow find it again.


This was my other scene, I do remember it was from "Top Girls".




The seasons were changing and a lot was happening. It was time to showcase our scenes and perform on the Atlantic Stage for the first time.

My crash course in hitting the town and getting into bars underage was going strong. A few interesting things happened on nights out with Martha. One night she invited me out to a magazine launch party. I don't remember how she knew these people but I was excited to go. Especially once we got to the nice building and went up to the penthouse! I remember free drinks and it being a lot of fun. There was a tall guy there with dark hair who she knew and I think, liked. Well...he liked me. In fact, he invited himself home with me. "Sure", I said, thinking that this was NYC and people always seemed to be crashing at each others places. He must live too far, maybe in Jersey? I didn't know, but I thought a place to sleep was all he was asking.

He kept putting his arms around me and at some point Martha was able to take me aside and tell me he was trying to sleep with me. What?! My mind was blown. And that certainly wasn't going to happen. She took this opportunity to bring up my age (for the zillionth time) and told me there was no way I could have understood that but at her age it's a given and you know what's going on. I told him (he was named after a Disney character, I'll never forget his name) maybe he shouldn't come with me after all and that was that.

The next morning at school Martha and I were both hung over. Big time. Trying to do a physical warmup in class meant bending over and shaking our heads. I was hurting, but I was also giggling. I felt like a real grown up, having real adventures in NYC. I'd just been to a magazine launch in a penthouse, for crying out loud!

There was another night out with Martha and Mark. We were in a pub and a lady had her dog inside. It was the first time I'd seen a dog in any kind of business. I couldn't believe it.

At one point a random drunk Irish guy came up and started talking to us. I couldn't understand what he was saying and assuming he was up to no good, I wanted him gone and made it known. Martha said, "life's too short, why shut people out?" Batting an eye at Mark. He agreed and seemed to like what she'd said and then I felt stupid. Her words didn't register with me at the time, but I think of them often now. Maybe in slightly different situations, but they're with me.

I don't quite remember the events of the night but I remember a lot of midori sours and the three of us crashing in the city at someone elses apartment. Martha and I didn't want to travel back to the Bronx, Mark didn't want to travel back to Jersey so there we were, all three of us together. Both with a little crush on Mark. And guess who he picked to crash next to? Me. Uh oh. Strike two.

One night a group of us from school went out. Brayden, Mark and Martha were there, among others. Martha got drunk. Wasted. She started embarrassing me in front of Mark. I started kicking her under the table. She wasn't phased. In fact, breaking any kind of girl code that might have existed, she told him loudly, "she's even kicking me under the table right now!" I rarely get embarrassed but that did it. Embarrassed and mad. Brayden played the mediator, and always the cool one, was calm and understanding with each of us.

Martha started to change. Or maybe I was just getting to know her better. She was always running late which means we could never ride the subway into school together. I couldn't wait for her and risk getting locked out of a class. She was also flaking in school and other students were having a hard time getting along with her. She was difficult, defensive and argumentative. I knew more than ever I was going to have to distance myself from her. School and my reputation were important to me. So I began to steer clear of her.

Mark and I were by no means what you could call dating, but there was a little something going on. One night he "ended" it, saying I was too young and that what was going on between us was affecting him in school. He couldn't be in class with me because he didn't know how he was supposed to act, was he supposed to sit by me? Sit away from me? He was spending class time wondering what I was thinking. Wow. Was he for real? He's bringing up the fact that I'm young but this is what was going on with him? I certainly didn't feel the same. I had no real feelings invested. That was that. Then a little something would go on again, then he'd end it again. Um...okay.

Meanwhile, and more importantly, I needed to figure out what to do about The Guy. When I've liked someone in the past I've been a complete contradiction. I'm at the same time the biggest wuss and the ballsiest girl there is. I knew I had to find a way to meet him. This would most likely mean I'd have to make it happen. I was going to have to track him down and introduce myself. Gulp.

Our paths rarely crossed but there were two instances that I can remember as if it were yesterday. Once I was waiting for movement class to start. I was in our classroom early, students were trickling in and suddenly in walks The Guy. Dressed for a performance in a suit and tie. He was coming in to get a lamp for a prop that had been left in that studio. I remember sitting on the floor and watching as he walked passed. He could probably feel me starting at him, so he looked at me and briefly caught my eye and smiled. By no means was this a "moment", but the polite way you might pass a stranger on the street. No recognition, no anything. Damn. This might be harder than I thought.

Another time we were on a break in The Lounge. I was sitting with Bobby who was a good fifteen years older than me. He was a gay man who lived with his partner in a super nice apartment. He was a hairdresser and seemed like such a fancy, professional adult. It seemed like his life was set, he was doing well and I always wondered why he was in class with us. I really liked him he was so much fun. There we were, a group of us, when all of a sudden he jumps up yelling my name and telling me to look in the door of the studio across the hall. Oh my god! What? What was happening? A fight? A fire? A mugging? No. It was The Guy changing his clothes. He was pulling on pants as I jumped up to look. He caught my eye for an even shorter fraction of a second and continued to put on his pants. Quickly. Well great. Now if I'd made any kind of impression it was that of a peeping tom.

Embarrassing moment two.


Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html

The story behind my tats!

I just got back from getting my tattoos fixed up! One touched up and the other basically redone.

I got my first tattoo in 2001. It was on a total whim. I went over to my aunts house to hang out and she said, "let's go get tattoos. Today. Right now!" She had a package of fake tattoos and one of the designs was a fairy on a half moon with a couple little stars in light pastel tones. She told me that was the one she would get as a real tattoo. I thought what the hell? And we went downtown, into a shop and got our appointments for later that same day.

We got matching tats. She went first and got the fairy on her ankle. I was glad she went first so I could A.) Make sure she survived and B.) Make sure I liked the results. The tat artist was cool, we had fun with him. He did add a constellation around her fairy, which was like swirly color around the tat. That part I wasn't crazy about so I told him I didn't want that.

I don't remember how or why I picked my left shoulder blade, I guess it seemed like the only spot that I could still conceal and wouldn't hurt too much.

My aunt gave me a half of a pain pill and I guess it affected me because it didn't hurt a bit. I actually liked it. In all the pics of me being tatted I am laughing and smiling.

I'll have to scan a pic a little later.

I was so proud of that tattoo. I felt like such a badass. I was instantly addicted. I knew then that I would love to have more, but would never be able to get all that I'd want because of acting.

My second tattoo came a few years later. I was engaged and we decided to get something to represent each other. We didn't want names, and even signs seemed too common. We decided on each others constellations. So I was to get his aquarius and he my aries.




We went to the same tattoo place but I honestly can't remember if it was the same artist that time?

I wanted mine on my opposite shoulder blade. I insisted it be done as simply as possible. It was small, just purple lines and very small black dots. I knew deep down it was a bad idea and that someday I'd want to cover it up. I figured the simpler I kept it the easier it would be to tattoo over it. I was also aware it made an all around bad tattoo, but at the time it "meant something".

He was much more creative with his design. It was in between his shoulder blades and the constellation was almost disguised in a sphere design. He would say he had me tattooed on "the back of his heart". But I also knew at the time he was smart to get a cool design, because it would still look good and wouldn't have to be explained long after we'd broken up.

So of course we did break up and I kind of forgot about my tattoos. I don't often see them, so it's easy not to think about them. When I started to seriously date the man who would later become my husband, I felt it was time to cover that thing up.

I decided on a flower. A daffodil, or narcissus. Yellow was my favorite color, but more importantly it was a clever reminder to me (not to behave narcissistically) but to make my tattoos all about me. My body, what I want, where I want and to never tattoo something representing another person on my body. Not ever. I'll always advise against it. Unless, maybe it's a child or a pet, just don't do it. I liked my choice for the cover up because not only was it an uncommon idea, but I found it partly ironic, part punishment and a little humorous.






My fairy wasn't looking so good after all theses years and I was a little bummed I'd ever gotten it. I have little space in which to tat on (like I said, due to acting I need to have them easily covered up) and it didn't mean anything to me. The imbalance of the small fairy and larger flower was also really starting to bother me. If theses are going to be on me forever, I wanted them to look like they went together more. In size and in color.



I tracked down the artist who'd done my flower, now in a new location and went in to show him and discuss what I wanted done. I was also wanting to add a couple of lines of text on my ribcage. A line from a poem and a line from my favorite book.

Fast forward to today. The ribs didn't work out. I still want it and really appreciate his expert opinion and artistry but the drawings weren't coming up like I'd envisioned. I decided to skip that today and give it more thought. But we did completely fix up my fairy. Oh man, it's life changing. I went from not liking it to loving it and being proud of it. It's now something I gladly want to show off, all over again. We added to the size with stars, and gave her a second wing. He re-outlined her and now she's so defined and bright and in new colors. I've always loved stars and for a long time considered putting a few somewhere. Now I've got them surrounding her!





We also touched up the yellow of my flower and I'm feeling a million times better about them. They look beautiful to me and feeling that they're balanced gives me such a sigh of relief.

I am so glad I took care of it. To me it was like fixing a tooth, or getting a corrective surgery. They're a part of me forever and in making them look the way I wanted them to, I can be glad they're a part of me.

Pain. My fairy did not hurt at all. I always assumed it was the pain pill. I don't remember the constellation, but I don't remember it hurting so I'm gonna guess that it was easy. My daffodil hurt more than the previous tats. It took about two hours and I remember I didn't want to take any breaks, just get it done. It was harder to get through than I remembered but I did just fine. Today I took with me a lortab. A freaking lortab because I'd been told ribs are the most sensitive area. I took it and then was bummed when the ribs didn't happen, because I don't like taking pills. It's a struggle to get me to take an advil. But you know what? It hurt! Much more than I remember. It was rough to get through. I never felt the effects of the pill and I have no idea why it was as tough as it was today. It was never like that. I braved through it, I didn't stop, I didn't cry, I didn't complain about the pain. But I would like to know why it was such a different experience? It makes me really nervous for the day I do the ribs...but I still want to try. I think maybe then I'll need to be a little drunk. Definitely wanting to try the shots before tats method.

It wasn't until I got home that I could let myself relax...and thats when I started feeling the effects of the pill.

Oh man. Okay. Gotta go before I start typing something totally weird! :)

The moral of this story is to choose your tats carefully. Go with your instincts and when you truly know it's not right? Don't do it! Take your time choosing your artists. If you're local, I strongly recommend Cj Fishburn at Cathedral Tattoo in downtown SLC!

http://www.twitter.com/DeenaMarie

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One week later, here's what it looked like all healed!

My New York Diaries -Part 4

*All names are changed

Over the next little while, I'll be writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. Thanks for reading & supporting!



A picture of my first bedroom in my first NYC apartment, in the Bronx.

I had an air mattress to sleep on. I planned to buy a bed or futon of course, but I was so busy with everything else that believe it or not I hardly thought about it. In fact, I would sleep on this (soon deflated) air mattress for 9 months. It was basically like sleeping on the hardwood floor with little padding. How I lasted in those conditions that long I'll never know.

There were now a few other people I had met that I need to introduce you to.

*Brayden. He was in class with me and he was sweet, laid back and just plain cool. He always seemed confident, worldly and in control. He was a couple of years older and in a way he took me under his wing. He was very supportive and looked out for me. Giving me tips and telling me stories about the city, auditioning in NYC, etc. He was open minded and accepting. The type of guy who could get along with anyone. He made me feel welcomed and accepted and I was so grateful for his friendship. I'll never forget his kindness.

*Oscar. Oscar was originally from California but had been in NYC for awhile already. He was perhaps un unlikely friend for me to meet but would become a very important part of my journey as well. In fact, I'm not sure how we met or when we became so close. We didn't even have any classes together at first. And he was shy until you got to know him. I do know that we bonded over being the "Atlantic Babies". He was the same age of me and we both felt out of place at times being some of the few that were still not only under age, but teenagers. Our birthdays were actually just a couple of days apart.

*Mark. Mark was in class with me. He was 7 or 8 years older than me and I thought he was kind of cute.

More on all of the above later.

Now back to school. School was strict. In The Lounge was a huge white dry erase board where the schedule would be for each day. You'd find out what room your class was in and you'd better do it early. Each class technically started 15 minutes earlier than the given time. This was to ingrain in us the rule of being 15 minutes early to auditions and rehearsals in our professional career. Atlantic also believes and teaches that your professional career starts on your first day of school there. You are not allowed to audition outside of school your first year, so that you have the proper time to get out of old bad acting habits and begin to learn your new training. Sometimes class could be held in the actual Atlantic Theater, so there were times you'd have to book it a block or two to be on time. If you overlooked something and missed a class or were tardy, consequences were not kind. The door to any given class was locked at the 15 minute mark. You were not allowed and if this happened three times you'd be kicked out of the class. There were only a few times you could be absent, so it was wise to check the board, double check, and check again.

In my previous post I talked about not knowing how students were able to juggle jobs with the heavy school load. I never had to like some of them, I was very lucky. But I did work at the front desk of the Atlantic school in order to take money off of tuition. I answered the phones, transferred calls (sometimes unsuccessfully) and booked studio space when students needed to rehearse. Also in the office were ATC grads who worked there part time while out in NYC auditioning. I thought they were the coolest. Especially two of them who were particularly nice to me. They were best friends, *Lisa and *Tony.

I was still hanging out with Martha but she started doing something that would turn out to be the beginning of the end of our friendship. She was constantly pointing out my age in a negative way. Always reminding me that I was only a teenager and saying, without directly saying, that I didn't know anything and she did because she was older. She also thought Mark was cute. Great. But beggars can't be choosers and I still didn't know many people. So she remained my friend and roommate.

One night a group of us went out. A mix from various classes. I found myself sitting at a booth with a girl from another class, *Jenny. I loved her instantly. She was fun, bubbly, nice and we clicked right away. She would become, and remain to this day, a friend and huge part of my life. It was like a breath of fresh air to find a girl friend like this. I couldn't wait to get to know her better.

It turned out that living in NYC I could get away with something I wouldn't have been able to back home. Being served alcohol. I was rarely carded which meant I could drink. I was no longer living with parents, I was on my own with adults who did what they wanted (and had more experience with drinking than me) and let me tell you, I lived it up. In those early NYC years, I learned all about cocktails and going to bars and having a different kind of social life than I'd ever known or expected. I felt like the city was so full of opportunities, fun, things to do, places to go. I wanted to experience absolutely everything. Somewhere along the way I was introduced to whiskey sours, midori sours, and amaretto sours. Tasty, tasty sours. Problem is, the midori and ammarettos taste like candy and it was easy to drink up to six of them on a night out. Which happened frequently back then. This also meant that this would be the first time (and hopefully only, knock on wood) in my life I'd gain weight. Boozing like that with late night food to follow is a recipe for disaster.

We were also preparing for our first performances on the ATC stage. I was prepping two scenes, opposite two other women. One was a comedy and the other a drama.

I was learning all sorts of acting exercises that were taking me out of my comfort zone as well as opening my mind. A whole new world was being opened for me. I was learning about physicality in our movement class, my voice and sound in our voice and speech classes and how to start seeing and identifying what was going on in another person with our repetition class and allowing myself to be vulnerable enough so that they could do the same. Over the two years there, it was often emotional. For everyone. I never knew it would be like this. We deconstructed everything in order to rebuild with new knowledge. From my movement teacher pointing out that my hips were tilted, a little uneven, to walking across the room one at a time with all eyes watching in order to see if we were physically doing anything that needed to be brought to our attention in order to get to a neutral place. I never thought of myself as shy. In fact, I was quite confident. But I'll never forget how hard it was to walk across the room back then and just be. Then wait to hear what everyone else was going to say from their observation of you.

One night, a guy in our class threw a party. I was stoked. I remember it was an awesome apartment and he took a liquor from his freezer that had gold flakes in it. It was the first time I'd ever seen Goldschlager. What?! What a world I'd stumbled into!

This was the night I began to flirt a little with Mark. But you know what? I never truly liked Mark as more than just a friend. He was nice and fun to hang out with but I was only biding my time with him, mean as it may have been. I was still thinking of The Guy I saw on the first day of school. My memory is vague, being that I was a little drunk and it was so long ago, but someone that night told me (maybe the guy that was throwing the party?) not to attach myself to someone because it could be deceiving. Not knowing anyone, being in a new city it would be easy to attach myself to a guy, just for the sake of being with someone. I still think about that for some reason. I didn't think I was in danger of that but was it a foreshadowing?

I'd also met a few people from various classes when on breaks in The Lounge. I did meet someone who was in class with The Guy and I asked about him. I was told he had a girlfriend and they'd been together for two years. Two years! That seemed like an eternity. But it was okay. I knew that even though we had no classes together, our paths never really crossed, I wasn't sure how we were going to meet and he had a girlfriend, that we would still be together at some point. I know it sounds strange. I don't mean to say I didn't care that he was taken. It wasn't a malicious feeling. It was just something that I knew. I knew to be patient and that it was going to happen soon.

And as it turns out, I was right.


Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html

My New York Diaries - Part 3

If you've just tuned in, I'm blogging about the time in my life when I lived in NYC. I went to pursue my dream of studying acting. I suggest you start at part I to be properly caught up & for it to all make sense. These entries are combinations of my own personal diaries I kept at that time, and me simply writing my story when I need to fill in the blanks when I wasn't journaling consistently.

*All names are changed.

* * * * * * * * * *

No actual diary entry today. Gotta do a little catch up before I can get back to that.
It's about to get juicy!


The living situation. So my 3 weeks in NJ were up and I was moving into a new apartment. Here is a perfect example the sense of invincibility we have when we're young. Moving across the country with no place to live, just the faith that it would all work out. I don't even know if you could call it faith. I didn't need faith, I just knew. It is far easier to make these kinds of impulsive and terrifying decisions when you're young because you don't second guess, you just do. As we grow older we become more cautious. We are sensitive to what could go wrong because now we've experienced more life. And that means we've felt hurt. Heartache. Sadness. So we are are more careful. We debate and weight the risks hoping to avoid these things. But I hope to never let fear get in my way and to always remember the part of me that is truly brave and believes, no, knows things will work out.

School had stared and it was a lot. Now when I say I'm going to acting class, I don't mean a class. I mean classes. Like a full time job. This was a time when my parents were still supporting me. They paid my tuition. They paid my rent and they gave me money to live on. By no means were we a wealthy family. This was very hard for them. But they were so incredibly supportive. As an adult, I am far more appreciative of what they did and still can't even imagine what that took and how they felt and how hard that was. And what kind of love a parent must have for a child to want to give them their all so that they can succeed. And little did I know, unforeseen circumstances were about to happen that had I waited to go to NYC even a couple of years later, would have meant absolutely no help from my parents...and most likely...no NYC at all. It was the right place and the right time. That's all I can think.

There were students who did have jobs while going to school and that blew my mind. I didn't know how it was humanly possible to take on the load of school, rehearse and memorize when not in school, get sleep, have any kind of social life, and work.

I'm still impressed by anyone who can make it work. Living and working and affording to live in that city.

Of course some students already lived in NYC. But there were many, like me, who'd just moved. And we came from all over the world, spanning quite a variety of personalities and ages.

But back to the apartment search. You might be wondering why I wasn't living in a dorm. There were two ways to train with the Atlantic Theater Co. Acting School (founded by David Mamet and William H. Macy). It's an NYU studio and you could go through NYU to get your BFA or you could do two years in the conservatory training and get your certificate of completion. That is, if you were invited back for the second year. And if you weren't kicked out for tardies or absences (more on that later). I was doing the conservatory training. At this point all I wanted was to eat, sleep and breath acting class. Not math, not english, not science. For conservatory folk, dorms were not an option.

We'd started school and I was told there would be another girl coming a day or two late, moving from California and would be in the same situation as me. Meaning, in need of a place to live. It was a possibility we'd join forces and become roommates. I had my hopes pinned on her.

When she got there, we became instant friends. She was 6 or 7 years older and had bright red hair. Her name was *Martha.

We did move in together and it happened very quickly. We were in Chelsea one day, where the Atlantic studio was, and popping into various coffee shops and restaurants to check out any bulletin boards for "roommates wanted". That's how we found our place. Long story short, we ended up moving to The Bronx. 225th and Broadway, approximately. The first place I ever really lived in NYC.

Somehow we'd found a place where we could each have our own affordable room and in the same place! In our railroad apartment, there was another woman, who we really never saw, and our landlord *Juan.

I was no longer homeless and I was living with a friend! A friend who was in school with me, on the same schedule and could ride the subway with me in the morning. It was ideal. How lucky!

Too bad it didn't stay ideal for long.


Before we go any further, now is also a good time to tell you about the first day of school. I feel like it was yesterday, I can see it all so clearly. I remember what I was wearing. Pinstripe wide leg dress pants. Black doc martens. A black fitted v-neck t-shirt. A magenta sweater that my mom bought me right before I left. I loved it. It was brand new, the first time I'd worn it. I loved having something with me on my first day that my mom had given me. I remember arriving early and where I was sitting, waiting in the break room of sorts everyone referred to as The Lounge. Four things happened that day that still play somewhat regularly in my minds eye.

Again, all because of the right place and the right time along with being at the age when everything is life altering. The time of greatest impact.

1.) In The Lounge, before school had even started I remember a red door (most if not all were red) to my right open and students pouring in from a class that had just ended. I only saw one person. There was a boy with dark hair and Peter Parker glasses in a plain white t-shirt. I don't remember if he saw me watching him or not. But that was it. It was all over. That was The Guy. I don't know why or how or what it was about him, but I knew right then he was going to play a significant part of my NYC life.
And he did. Big time.
Stay tuned!

2.) In one of my first classes one of my teachers (who would go on to have a great impact on me, still to this day) *Tucker asked us all our ages. There were various ages from early 20's into mid 30's. When I said my (teenage) age every head in the room turned to look at me. He said, "serious?" I wasn't sure how to take that, but answered "yes". This would be my first experience with people lying about their ages. It would never have occurred to me to lie. Why would I do that? Later I found out many were insulted that day by being asked their age and lied by 3 or so years. That blew my mind. It took me years to get over that once I knew. It taught me, for better or for worse, to also be offended when asked my age. And to give various answers depending on the person and the situation.

3.) This same teacher, Tucker also told us to, "look around. You never know who you're sitting by". He went on to basically say you never know who each of us is going to become. I think of this often. I am in awe that some people who went on to do incredible things and others didn't even pursue acting afterward. I'm also amazed at who I grew up to be. In the way that I never would have guessed that the woman writing this blog at this very moment married who she married to, lives where she lives, works regularly in professional theater in killer roles, and has a whole crazy online life thanks to YouTube and the internet :)

4.) I lost my sweater. I had a hard time finding my way back to where I was staying in NJ that day. I got a little lost and ended up having to walk a long way. My feet were killing me, my docs rubbing them raw. I was sweating and took my sweater off to tie it around my waist. It wasn't until days later when I wanted to wear it again I realized it was gone. All I can figure is that it fell off while I was walking but I was so stressed about finding my way I didn't notice.

Losing that sweater bothers me to this day.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html

My New York Diaries - Part 2

As I read through these old journals, so much comes flooding back to me and it's so visceral that I can burst into tears one minute and laugh my ass off the next. I know right now the beginning of my journey seems bleak but I promise you it's going to pick up and all kinds of people, places and adventures are about to enter the story!

A lot happens in my story.

Even though it was all so long ago, it really did take me this long to want to or be able to share it. As I get older I feel sharing our personal experiences and letting other know what made us they way we are is invaluable. We can all learn and teach each other all the time. This was my time of "greatest impact". That's the best way I can describe it.

Late teens/early 20's are the most intense time of a persons life. It is never quite the same. To those who knew me then...I can't even imagine what it would have been like to have met you in my now adult life.

Now on with the story...

At this point I've just left UT to move to NYC to study at the Atlantic Theater Company Acting School. I have been to NYC a few times before, loved it and always saw myself living there. I don't know a soul. It happened fast. I had 3 days to say goodbye and find a place to stay. Through family and friends...and friends of friends making a series of phone calls, it happened that I was picked up at the airport by two men who had done business with my aunts ex husband who were letting me stay in a spare room in their Weehawken, NJ apt. They were very nice, one took me to lunch and taught me the subway system. My mom had told them on the phone to look for a girl with brown hair, jeans and a blue tank top. I didn't know what they looked like so it seemed like an eternity waiting for someone to get me once I'd landed. I was scared! I only had 3 weeks there in NJ because they were moving so it was up to me to not only jump right into school but find an apartment asap! My aunt had a childhood friend, *Kyle (her gay BFF), who I'd now met up with a couple of times but other than that I still hadn't met any real friends. I hadn't ever lived anywhere other than the house I'd grown up in. I was suddenly experiencing a crash course in life! Learning subway systems, a new city, finding roommates and going to acting school in NYC.

10/6/ (a # of years ago)

Sitting in a pizza place on 79th. A little lonely, sense of sadness but unable to pinpoint why. It's so weird. I got an email from *The Taylors (former theatre teachers I was very close to, a husband and wife) and they said something about feeling as though you're moving backwards when trying to go forward. I think they misunderstood me. I don't feel as thought I've gone backwards in the least. I feel like I've gone so far forward that the rest of me isn't even caught up yet. Yes, that's a perfect way to put it. I'm so far ahead all of a sudden, all of me isn't quite here yet. Like a combination of being a playing piece in a chess game and The Matrix. Somewhere between time and space and worlds. I feel like I'm myself, more grounded, more real. But I guess something still hasn't, or has yet to believe I'm actually here. That I'm actually living out a lifelong, lifetime dream. Each and every day. Why doesn't it feel the way I thought it would? There! It's out! The dreaded words! Not that I'd EVER turn away, go back, give up. Ha! But it's a while different sensation that I have about it all now that I'm living it, instead of dreaming it. Now I feel filled. But yet something is bothering me. And I keep going back to the fact that I had no idea how much I needed friends. But I'm such a weirdo. I'm so different. There! Wow! More dreaded words! I'm so different! It takes a different type of person to fulfill me. I don't even know if I've ever met someone who did that for me other than various family members and *Rob (my gay BFF). Why? What is it? Will I ever meet "others of my kind"? Is it possible? Do others feel like me? Like they wander through life passing through people, but knowing, okay hoping, that there are "others"? And what makes me so different? What makes up my personality? What is it about me.

...ever since that talk with Kyle I'm trying to make more sense of everything.

* * * * * *

Kyle worked at a recording studio and I went there with him soon after I'd moved. I met Kevin Bacon, who was recording there. He was very nice, and more handsome in person that he is on tv.

Kyle had a boss who seemed a little shady but once offered to drive me home to Weehawken. Of course I was accepted. Sure beat the bus!

Kyle also told me that this boss of his said he'd be willing to help me move once I was in my new apartment in the city. He said to feel free to call his boss for help. I did call, when my NJ time was nearing an end, telling him Kyle said he'd be willing to help me get moved. But he responded like I was bat shit crazy and that was that. I was on my own. Maybe Kyle just said that without ever having talked to him?

One night, Kyle and I had a big heart to heart while out to eat and I was so grateful he was there. We talked about me pursuing my dreams and doing whatever I needed to do despite it being so hard, etc. Well it backfired. Kyle was renewed with a sense of passion, having talked to me, and picked up to move to LA almost immediately. He thanked me for the inspiration and was gone.

Well great. There went the one friend I had so far.

* * * * *

*Names are changed


Part I: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html