It starts. Tonight is our first "HAIR" rehearsal. I have a feeling this will be one of those plays. More than a play. A life changer. One of lifes magic moments. I have waited so long. I want to give in, give over and give to this and get from this.
Today is a new day. There's been a lot on my mind lately that I've been pondering and wanting to change and I think today is the perfect day to begin.
In our profession we are so critical, catty, full of judgement. We're all narcissistic and think our way is the only way. That's the negative side. And I need a break from it. I am going to try my hardest to knock it off when I'm guilty of it and to not let the negativity of others in.
I need to remember we create our own reality and "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". If you have that, you have it all.
I want to live in positivity. In good. In love. That's all. Just simplify and be vibrant and believe in me and what I have to give, and give it.
And relax. And enjoy the ride. And be kind. And draw kindness to me.
I want to savor my experiences, not stress so much. I choose to choose happiness at all times. Live peacefully. Everyone needs a reminder that we can't control what others will think or do, but we can control our actions and reactions. At the end of the day, we can be whoever we dream to be, to get all out of life that we want, to be happy...if we create it for ourselves. We can all use a reminder to stop and let the dust settle and focus on what matters most.
For me, I need to once again learn to go slow. To say no.
Saw Ironman 2 last night. Wasn't as good as the first. Sequels seldom are. I swear to god every time I go to a movie the most annoying person in the crowd is next to me or behind me. Sure enough, two chicks behind us talked and laughed way too loudly through everything. I don't even like going to movies anymore. It's not comfortable, I shift the whole time 'cause the chairs hurt my bum and I cant stand strangers too close to me, chomping their food, texting, and talking like it's their own living room. Sofa king rude.
Anyway. Mickey Rourke was a badass. Now that's an actor for you. Such a small role, he had probably one page of dialogue and what a character he created! I wanted to see more of him. Sam Rockwell was great. You were so annoyed by him. Robert I'll always love but I wanted him to have cooler stuff to do, like in the first movie. The drunken fight in the house with Don Chedele was lame. Gwenyth I usually love, and she did a fine job, but I'm never sure what I think of the casting choice for Pepper. Then there was Scarlett Johanson. I don't think she holds her own alongside such heavyweights. She's the same in every movie. I didn't believe that she was that tough and kicking ass. She isn't physically right, she doesn't look strong. I read that Emily Blunt was supposed to play Black Widow originally. Now that would have been badass. Evangeline Lily would have been awesome, too.
I love superhero movies. I wanted to love this second one as much as the first, but I had moments where I zoned out. Granted, it was hard to concentrate with two chatterboxes behind me.
Spiderman is still my #1. I think I love just about everything about all three Spiderman movies. So far, nothing can beat it for me.
Blogging is weird. I am private as can be all over the web...but what's the point of blogging if not to share yourself? Lucky you, whoever is reading this blog, you get the most insight into a day in the life of Deena Marie! :)
What does it mean to be a "grown up"? How do you know when you are? How do you know when you're an adult? I look at girls, er, women that I know who are starting families and I still can't quite fathom it. How do you know when you're ready to grow up and be a mom? How do you make the decision that you're not a kid anymore and it's time to go on to the next phase of your life? I see girls I went to high school with who have more than one baby and I just can't wrap my head around it. Right now I know countless ladies who have just had a baby, or gotten preg. I feel like such a baby myself I wonder if I'll ever feel differently. Should I? I have never been the girl who wanted to, in fact, grow up and be a mom. I have a mom. Mom. That's her job. That's not my job. I'm her baby. Mom. Seems so...old? But I look at the women I know and they certainly aren't old. I guess it's weird because I don't quite have those feelings and that...need? All I truly want is to keep performing. I can't imagine taking time out of doing what I am absolutely in love with to completely *change* my body and put myself through that. I can't imagine it almost at all. I'm not gonna lie, it's vanity. I'm in a vain profession. The thought of gaining baby weight and having to worry about losing it all stresses me the hell out. I can't imagine it would be an enjoyable physical condition for me. Don't get me wrong. Women who go through this are freaking rockstars. How unselfish and how awesome they are willing to do it. I just know when / if it's ever *gulp* me I have to be a zillion more times mentally ready than I am now. I would have to try to think of it as a break from, well, my life. Right now the last thing I want is a break. Is that wrong? Is it wrong I don't have those maternal instincts like other chicks? I love my puppy so much, as only other dog people will understand, I really can't imagine loving something more than him. He is my baby. He depends on me. I give him the best life ever. I can't imagine...more. The thought of a little baby sounds kinda cool..but then I think about it growing up, having to take it places, lessons, play dates, having to help it through heartbreak and hurt. Oh lord. At least I can protect my puppy at all times. I don't know that I'm cut out to be that responsible for someone else. Which brings me back to HOW DO YOU KNOW when it's time to grow up? I certainly don't have things 100% figured out! How could I ever be someones parent until I did? I don't want to lead any little baby astray. I very much have a sensitive side. I get my feelings hurt. How would I ever deal with a little human version of myself and my sweetheart getting their feelings hurt? Anyone who has anything negative to say about my puppy I want to punch in the face. I guess right now I like being the baby. I like my life just the way it is...and maybe that's totally ok. Maybe I'll be a slow bloomer in this respect, because I'm just not ready to grow up anytime soon.
In other news, yesterday was spent doing a photo shoot for Fresh Peaches swimwear. They sent me two lovely vintage inspired suits, photos will be used online and posters will be in their California store!
I also filmed you a video
Thanks for reading, watching, supporting, you know. :) twitter.com/DeenaMarie
It's May! It came so fast! Do you know what this means? This is the month "HAIR" rehearsals start. I had such a busy April, with "Amerigo", "Persian Quarter" and on saturday, "And the Banned Slammed on". Other than a few auditions through the month, I'm now ready and able to immerse myself in full hippie-ness.
I've waited for this moment for so long. Years. I want to savor every second of this experience. Something tells me it will be life changing for all of us involved.
I just met one of my BFF's new baby boy! He is gorgeous. One week old, tomorrow. So crazy to see a close friend as a mom now. She went through a lot for him to be here, I am blown away and still trying to fathom it all. She's a superhero...and he's absolute perfection.
I get asked for advice. A lot. I tend to stay vague, simple. There are very, very few with whom I discuss my true feelings and thoughts on a precious subject.
I live in Salt Lake City. There IS a professional scene here in town, but it is small. Very small. Obviously. On one hand, the NYC scene seemed small to me too. I began seeing the same people at auditions, but Salt Lake is it's own thing.
Let's talk theatre. I know actors who say it's too hard to have their equity card here, that there is no work. Others have asked if I think they should work towards getting theirs. Because we live where we live, this is a very individual thing. Taking my equity card, knock on wood, has been the best move I could have made. I have done at least two plays a year since and had great insurance that made very expensive prescription affordable when I needed it. I like being a professional. I like being taken seriously. I like working on a different level. To those wondering if they should, I'd say work at every professional theatre in town first. Make sure you know you can get cast there. If you are a straight actor as well as a musical theatre performer your chances at working more are much better. There is so much more opportunity to work professionally as a straight actor in this town, but we have more musical folks. Make sure you get roles first. Actual leading roles. No need to take your card if you're always chorus. You just won't work.
Training. Okay, this is touchy. I don't want to offend anyone, so I'm not sure how to say this. I trained and graduated in NYC. It was absolutely invaluable. I couldn't have come this far without it. Too many people in this town do not train. In my experience, and I've been doing this a long time, it is a VERY VERY VERY rare person who does not need to train. A workshop through a local agency is NOT sufficient. I'm not even going to comment on what I think of some of Utah's local BFA programs. This is why I stay out of conversations on acting, technique, etc. with most of my fellow actors. I'm over that part of it, at least for now. I lived that in NYC for years, and day in and day out that was ALL any of us could talk about. Now I'm more interested in who actors are if they AREN'T talking about acting. I feel what I've learned is from another world, and I'm on my own here that way. As I think back on the performances that blew me away, that forever changed me and made me want to do this in the first place, they were by polished, trained performers. Down the road I believe that the best form of training is doing it, but formal training is the starting point.
Now let's talk film and modeling. I have the best agents in SLC. Do I work a lot? Not a lot as it's not LA. Have I booked jobs? Yes. Is it worth having representation? Yes. What blows my mind is how many "actors" I come across who think they don't need representation, who think they can do it all on their own. I guess it's one thing if this is your hobby, not your career and it's worth your time to go out with a group of "filmmakers" and collaboratively shoot your student film. If you don't want to make any money or work professionally, then by all means knock yourselves out. But it's just playing pretend. It's not serious. Look at it this way, don't you at least want to get sent on auditions that you wouldn't know about otherwise? Isn't opportunity what we're all looking for?
Modeling here is nuts. Any and every girl seems to call herself a model because they've got a Model Mayhem page and have done a few TFCD shoots. That's great to build up your portfolio...and hell, I'll still shoot an occasional TFCD if the photographer is great and can offer me something I've yet to do, but please. There are "models" in this town who, I'm going to say it, don't look anything like models. Try your hand at the biz anywhere else? A big city? You'd be in for a rude awakening. I am surprised to see how many people there are playing "pretend". Doing shoots, uploading mediocre photo after mediocre photo, from mediocre photographer after mediocre photographer. I guess if it's all in good fun and again, a hobby, it's okay. But there are people I've come across that take it all WAY to seriously.
Again, "filmmakers" who don't have a reel to show you?! Who talk a big game but don't have a script for you to read. Who have learned a few lines from their Acting 101 manual that they can toss you to "entice" you.
There are so many bogus agencies here, and the fact that they're in business and suckers keep on falling for it BLOW MY MIND!
It's hard to have tolerance, patience.
I have decided to become even more selective with who I work with and the connections I make. I work too hard, I've built to much to let others share in it who don't deserve it.
I'm not trying to be a bitch, just smart. Professional. An adult.
One persons opinion. You know how it is, "one persons opinion" is what we tell ourselves in this business each time we don't agree with something. :) We are all narcissistic (yes, we are or why would we chose this path?) we all think we're right.
So there you have it, folks. My personal opinion. A personal opinion from someone who does this as a career...not a hobby.
So I've deleted my myspace page. RIP myspace. Over 5 K friends no more. There was just no point. I don't use it, I don't communicate with anyone there like I do on facebook, twitter, youtube, etc. I didn't like that there was a site floating around with a bunch of my stuff on it that I wasn't regularly checking and monitoring. Feels good to have one less website to worry about!
Spring cleaning. I've also started a massive undertaking of cleaning out my closet and REALLY trying this time to get rid of things I've had for years and don't wear. I mean YEARS. I feel like I'll want it as soon as I throw it out but let's face it, some of this is in just plain poor condition. Plus at the rate I shop I need to make room. I smell an ebay sale for the special pieces I'm about to part with!
Thank god it's finally spring. This was the longest winter of my life. I need summer, I need warmth and sun!
What else can I clear out and or make room for this spring?
What about the spring cleaning of people and connections?
There are some people, I've learned I need to be more careful with. I can't loose energy over one sided friendships. I can't give if I rarely receive. Just like I can't seek people out to work together if they're not as confident and excited as I am from the get go. People who condescend or give only backhanded compliments are NOT worth a second thought. They also no longer phases me, I just feel embarrassed me FOR them. I'm also learning to forgive and move forward with other people. It feels good to "grow up". :)
Happy anniversary to my sweetheart! To the love of my life, the one who changed my life. It only gets better and better and better, every day I have with you!
NOSTALGIA: The term nostalgia describes a yearning for the past, often in idealized form.[1] The word is a learned formation of a Greek compounds, consisting of νόστος, nóstos, "returning home", a Homeric word, and ἄλγος, álgos, "pain" or "ache". It was described as a medical condition, a form of melancholy, in the Early Modern period, and came to be an important topic in Romanticism.[1]
In common, less clinical usage, nostalgia sometimes includes a general interest in past eras and their personalities and events, especially the "good old days" of a few generations back recast in an idyllic light, such as the Belle Époque, Merry England, Neo-Victorian aesthetics, the US "Antebellum" Old South, etc. Sometimes it is brought on by a sudden image, or remembrance of something from one's childhood.
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I don't let a lot of people in to my world, and I don't often expose my truest self as I am a fiercely private, guarded person. Writing is therapeutic for me. I need to do it, and I like to blog...but always find myself going back and forth between how much or how little to express.
The definition above rings true. Especially the medical condition, pain and ache part.
I am only in my twenties and I feel like I've had so many lifetimes. Sometimes I think back on all of the places I lived, people I was and I cannot even believe it was me. I have the best life now. The best best best best dream life. I grew up to be what I wanted to be. I have the best man in the world. I live in a beautiful house. I do exactly what I wanted to do for a living. The past life versions of me would never have believed it. They wanted it, but who really and truly gets what they want? And I wonder, would I have been different if I knew that there wouldn't be anything to worry about? What if I could have told my younger self exactly how this would unfold...who to meet and who to avoid? The thing is...I love that I went through some tough things. I LOVE it. I love that I've had my heart absolutely shattered by people, by places. I love that it made me churn out dozens and dozens of poems that to this day when I read them I'm still impressed that they came out of me. http://deenamariepoetry.blogspot.com/
Problem, if that's what it is, is that I haven't written like that in years. I could only write when I was heartbroken. When I thought I'd never survive my devastation. Not that I want to change a thing about my life right now, no. I think I'm just a little bit of a masochist. Always have been and always will be.
For an artist there's a beauty in despair. I admit it. There are days when I kind of miss that feeling. and I would give anything...anything to relieve a day in my life. I would pick a day when I lived in NYC. When I was brand new, impressionable and not even yet Deena Marie. I want to remember what it feels like to be so shattered that you produce this:
PYRO Here's to wine Here's to roses Here's to restaurant bathrooms and the same green sheets Here's to my sexy mistake of fucking you to all of my favorite cd's Here's to cocktails, red wine, couches and cooking Here's to a late alarm ~ again and sleeping 'til two ~ thanks Here's to a hanging chinese lantern green means calm and aries means pyro here's to the poems I can't stop writing about you here's to a lounge, to a stairwell, to a corridor, to a street every song is a soundtrack of you and when I cant come without seeing your face then here's to the house of yes yes yes so what if you never screamed my name I never said I love you ~ don't forget so you be him and I'll be her in every drop of alcohol there's poison and every thorn pricks hard
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IT HURTS
it's hurting. life's hurting me again. i'm being pierced in the guts with a memory. again. of a past life my present life that was just lived, just a moment ago but feels like it never was. i can't breathe. my stomach's twisting into itself again. there's such a thing as a parallel universe because i've seen it. because i've lived it. i know a boy who sits in his apartment just like i do on a horrible schedule he passed on to me. too afraid of the world to fall asleep in it, and too overwhelmed by life to wake up early. procrastinate through the hours so muddy. so slow. so thick. memorizing lines. feel worthwhile spend your time creatively live an artists life.
but the tv is still on and i'm still awake
it's a two hour difference but our minds are still in tune. not to each other but to this life.
i accidentally brought it back
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I wonder if I remember things accurately or if in fact I idealize my precious memories. Maybe I now remember them differently and they represent something that isn't in fact the truth. I don't know.
I know I am forever lost to romanticism. I romanticize everything around me. I am so sensitive to what is around me that at moments all I want is to take a leave of absence from me.
I once had my ora read. My strongest color was one in the rarest percentile. She said it must be "hard for me to exist in this plane". Boy, you can say that again.
Anyway... sometimes I literally suffer from my NYC nostalgia. It hurst. It pains and it aches.
Today just happens to be one of those days.
I've been listening to this song over and over (and no, I don't care to explain)
I'd like to leave it at that, but because there are all kinds of people and friends who read this and follow me online I have to make sure you know I'm still a very happy person and this is not new information.
There is also the type of artist who self sabotages for this very reason and clearly I know better.
If you look a few blogs back you'll see the one about coming across old diaries. I think it's nearing the time to start posting those excerpts I promised.
So. Since I can't go back in time for my 24 hour wish, the closest I can get is to occasionally give in to my nostalgia...
I am having a rare free day. A lazy, wasted day on purpose! I haven't had a day off in a long time. Not my birthday, not Easter, not weekends. I'm purposely not doing a thing today. I slept in until 11:00 AM and I'm proud to announce I'm still laying in bed in my pajamas.
We open "Amerigo" this week! Preview on wednesday, opening on thursday. I couldn't love this one more. It's been a couple of years since I've been this in love with a role / play. It's absolutely stunning. We only have two weeks of performances and it's selling out already. Here is a video with the cast, playwright and director to give you an idea of what it's about and the ticket info is at the end. Don't miss it. Seriously...DON'T.
http://tinyurl.com/y9eohag
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March 31, April 1 and April 2 I was asked to fill in for feature reporter Casey Scott on KUTV2 News Morning Show. Fridays show was already planned but I had to come up with the ideas for the first two mornings. It was rough to be up at 4:00 AM for the 6-8 AM show, but so worth it. I loved every minute of it. Take a look at the news clips...
3/31 Roller Derby Girls at Hollywood Connection http://tinyurl.com/yl2ssf8
4/1 Designer, photographer & Project Runway contestant Keith Bryce http://tinyurl.com/y8a74zn
4/2 Canyon Hobbies http://tinyurl.com/yf746eo
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What do you dream about? Do you dream every night? Do you remember your dreams? I have the variations of the same dreams all the time. It's crazy. How many times can I have these recurring dreams? What does that mean?
This is part II to the blog just before the last one. There are many, many exciting this going on right now! Now I can fully tell you, in detail, what's been happening!
I am truly lucky this year. I am in rehearsals for a one night staged reading of "Stumped" that we'll be performing on wednesday. Next week I begin rehearsals for the world premiere of "Amerigo" and I'll be playing Sor Juana. If you don't know who she is, google her. I cannot believe I get to portray someone so profound, so smart, so important. It's truly an honor. May 1st I'll be performing in a one night only benefit "Banned/Slammed" and in May, I'll start rehearsals for "Hair". Just typing that chokes me up. I get to play Sheila. It's been a dream show and role for five years now.
I know what a fickle mistress this business is and I relish each and every moment a golden opportunity comes my way. I truly know and appreciate it more than anyone will ever know. The fact that I have gotten to and WILL get to check so many dream roles off my list in my life blows my mind. Absolutely. Blows. My. Mind.
I am so full of passion about what I do sometimes I feel like I could burst. I want to cry, to scream it from the rooftops. I always have been and always will be in love with the stage, first and foremost. It is my home, it is my calling, it is what's right for me...where I feel the most beautiful and the most confident. What I crave and where I get to dress up, play pretend and escape awhile. Where I get my emotion out. Where I get a chance to tell a story to others and perhaps have the kind of affect on a person or two that seeing theatre had on me when I was little. A chance to leave a mark. To change a life. It's what gets me. Down to my bones.
Because of theatre, I met the man of my dreams and still cant wrap my head around the fact we get to do what we love together...
Four years ago I played Kate Keller in "Miracle Worker" and this exchange has been in my head ever since: Captain: Katie, how many times can you let them break your heart? Kate: Any number of times
Through a zillion rejections, not getting cast (when I was just certain of it and yet knowing much better than to never assume) I still believe that "any number of times" is worth it for the times when you do get it.
It's the most important, most precious way I could ever hope to spend my time and energy.
*Whew* And that's me :)
In other super duper exciting news... I get to shoot my first centerfold in a pinup magazine next sunday! I'm dying... I'm shooting with a brilliant photographer in an amazing dress with a 1932 black roadster with a red interior.
I'm just truly grateful to everyone who is reading this, who's supported me, believed in me, been kind to me and taken a chance on me. That's all I want to say...
So sometimes late at night my sweetheart and I play this game we made up where one picks an animal and the other guesses what they are by asking questions. Maybe we play it too late when we are far too tired because this happens:
Me: You live underwater Him: Am I a kitty? Me. ...you...live...underwater...
Me: Am I mammal, bird, insect or beast?
Him: You're a bird, you're big and you don't fly Me: An Ostrich Him: OMG! How'd you figure that out so fast?! Me: You said I was a bird, big and didn't fly.
Once upon a time in acting school, we had to memorize Jaques' speech from "As you Like it". Every now and then, bits and pieces creep into my head again so yesterday I had to look it up. If you follow me here then you know I have a deep love of WORDS. I hear bits and pieces of poetry and songs narrating my life all the time.
I just love it:
All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms. And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel And shining morning face, creeping like snail Unwillingly to school. And then the lover, Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier, Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard, Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel, Seeking the bubble reputation Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice, In fair round belly with good capon lined, With eyes severe and beard of formal cut, Full of wise saws and modern instances; And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon, With spectacles on nose and pouch on side, His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice, Turning again toward childish treble, pipes And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all, That ends this strange eventful history, Is second childishness and mere oblivion, Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
What a busy time it is right now. I like to think I can do it all. I try my best to do so, but of course I'm only human. I wear many hats (as we all do). I am an actor, a model, an internet personality, a writer, a singer, a dancer, a wife, a poet, a daughter and so much more. You may know me as only one or two of these things but all of my skills and interests make me, ME. I am not just one alone nor does one alone define me. That being said, I have to shift priorities from time to time. When I have a lot of acting work in my real life then I have to put my online videos aside. Just like when I have free time I can devote it to more videos. It's just not practical for me to give attention to both equally. I know my limits and know when I'm spreading myself too thin. All I ask is that you're patient while I balance several projects and if you don't see a lot of me, or see me on youtube that's why. :) Sometimes people forget, or may not know what I'm up to and get antsy for my time and videos. Believe me, I wish I COULD do it all at 100% at ALL times! Nobody wishes for that MORE than me! I will tell you more soon, but at them moment I'm feeling overwhelmed with happiness. I am pinching myself every day that I will get to do things in my lifetime that I hoped and dreamed of as a young girl...I have never planned for a backup plan, never wondered what I might do if it didn't work out. I knew what I wanted, my passion never wavered and that was that. I feel incredibly lucky, grateful and a little teary these days :)
Thank you everyone who takes a minute to read this and follow and support me! I appreciate you taking time out of your life and day to get to know me. You're all amazing!
I wanted to be an actress in 1912; I want to be an actress today. That walk from the darkness backstage through the door or opening in the scenery where I make an entrance into the bright lights with that big dim mass out beyond, which bursts into applause, then the first terrifying sound that comes out of my throat, which they describe as a voice, but that first instant it is the siren of terror and intention and faith and hope and trust and vanity and security and insecurity and bloodcurdling courage which is acting.
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