Today is friday. I've been down & out with the flu from Sunday until, well, this morning. Every time I've gotten sick I really push it and want to be right back up & at it as soon as I possibly can. Which is always too soon. I wouldn't say I get sick a lot...but...I kinda get sick a lot ;) At least once or twice real good a year. Compared to those that just seem to never get anything.
I haven't had the actual stomach flu like that since elementary school. Good lord it's brutal. I'll spare the details, but it was bad. I wouldn't wish that action on my worst enemy bad.
I'm trying to really pay attention and listen to my body and I'm learning much better what I can and can't physically do. I've learned that I just don't bounce back from being sick easy. In fact, I spent monday and tuesday on the couch or in bed. Honestly, I could barely stand without thinking I was going to pass out. I've had no appetite and I've been exhausted.
Every day I thought I'd be able to jump up and go to zumba. But I just couldn't. This time I didn't risk anything. I stayed in until this mornings two hour zumbathon. I took it pretty easy, too.
I'm proud of myself for not fighting it for once, even if I did spend my final free week in my pajamas, watching tv.
At least I'm ready and able to properly celebrate New Years Eve with friends and champagne tonight!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dec 31, 2010
Dec 30, 2010
2010 Review! Big year, big changes!
New Years Eve is one of my favorite celebrations. Even though when the clock strikes midnight, nothing profound or life changing happens in that instant, it's nice to feel that "clean slate feeling" that comes with a new year. I started this blog at the end of 2008 and here we are, gearing up for year three. A lot has changed in those few years, and in the last year alone. 2010 was nothing short of ginormous. There's gonna be a lot to this blog post, so let's start with a little 2010 recap.
MODELING:
I shot my first centerfold for a magazine!
Sunday Slacker is a new pinup magazine based in Las Vegas who approached me to be their #3 issue centerfold.
They later asked to use a picture from a Fresh Peaces Swimwear suit for issue #5.
sundayslacker.com
I shot for Fresh Peaces Swimwear, located in California. The photos were displayed in their store & on their mailers.
I got to do some awesome runway this year and walk for designers I'd never walked for before.
Art Meets Fashion was huge and lovely and I got to wear two looks (one was a vintage swimsuit) by McKell Maddox
A month or two later was The Girly Show put on by The Hive Gallery where I got to walk in a Krista Nielson swimsuit and a vintage wedding dress by Betsy Barker.
You may think I'm okay wearing anything in front of anyone at anytime. This is almost completely true. However, I don't care who you are, wearing a swimsuit on a runway is big. It was a way bigger deal to me than a burlesque performance, a photo shoot in something barely there or even onstage nudity. I'm proud of myself, can check that one off the list and we'll see if that ever happens again. Ha ha.
I had a moment where I was ready to quit pinup. Pinup definitely found me. I did not seek it out. I found I had quite a knack for it and this year, more than ever I was asked to shoot pinup. I never want to be pigeon holed so for a little bit I was turning things down. Then I realized I can't escape it, it comes super easy and it's super fun. I want to do it all while I can, so I gladly gave back in!
Tami of RubySnap (formerly My Dough Girl) Cookie shop asked me to be her December pinup so my picture was in her store the month of December and "my cookie" The Noelle, was truly the best cookie I'd ever had in my life!
I did another Pinups for Pups event, a little fashion show fundraiser and this time my very own pup, Noodles got to walk the runway and get some adorable pics with me. Anytime I can involve him in anything is special to me. I even got to wear the fancy and beautiful little chihuahua necklace that my dad got me earlier this year.
I did some of my favorite photo shoots ever this year and met more photographers, make up artists and hair stylists that are not only talented as can be, but now new friends.
The beginning of the year I found myself in Vegas modeling for a Paul Mitchell hair show. Not only was the wardrobe, hair and makeup stunning, but I got to see old friends who live in Vegas that I hadn't seen in years.
Footage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p-DZFJ-4HA
IN Magazine. They are so fantastic there. I modeled for SLC's first Fashion Week issue in the spring, then got on the cover for Halloween as Wonder Woman! I've been on covers before, but never by myself. That was pretty special for me.
THEATRE & FILM:
Did you know...that I have done at least two plays a year for over ten years?
With the exception of my first year of training in NYC when we weren't allowed to audition while we were re-learning / learning a new technique.
2010 will be one of the most precious to me, if not the most, in terms of acting.
I was asked to do the first ever reading of "The Persian Quarter" at SLAC, as well as a reading for Plan B's Script in Hand series.
I made my Plan B debut and couldn't have asked for a better role. Sor Juana in the world premiere of "Amerigo" was a beautifully written role and I savored every minute.
I also did two things I'd yet to do. Plan B's Banned/Slammed. I was an actor in one of the 10 minute plays. Got there at 9am was performing by 7pm. Talk about adrenaline rush.
The other was going to a town I'd never heard of. Helper, UT to perform in a reading of a new play at a theatre there. After getting over the fact that I would have to live in a co-ed building and share a bathroom...performing the piece was actually very fun.
Hair. Oh my god. Hair. You know those experiences that are so special once it's over you kinda tuck it away, and can't really talk about it to those who weren't directly involved? That was Hair. I lived it, and my experience was this: I felt extremely lucky every minute to be playing my dream role, Sheila, in my favorite musical. I almost never got over that it was real. That I got to do it. My costume was exactly what I always envisioned. When Heidi came to my house for a fitting I couldn't believe it. I hadn't said anything...and there it was. All I ever wanted was to sing "Good Morning Starshine" on stage. I can't believe I got to. I got to work with my husband again. No matter what anyone things, that doesn't get me an automatic in. He doesn't have all the say as musical director. I still auditioned, and was actually thought of for another role in the beginning. It's quite amazing when my love and I get to be on stage together. It doesn't happen often, I never know when it could be the last time. Again, I felt extremely lucky (it was his dream show as well, to musically direct and play drums on) and there we were. Not only that but it's the theatre where we met. I was working on one of two equity guest artist contracts. They didn't have to use me. They did. I never took the opportunity or experience for granted. It could not have happened to a more appreciative actress. The cast was perfect. I got to work opposite my Freddy Lee who I adore, and it marked musical #3 for us. I've never in my life experienced that kind of an opening night, and a closing night. Again, I lived it. So did those who were a part of it. We may be the only ones to truly understand it. To say it was a profound experience is an understatement. We are forever bonded.
The above photo just might be my favorite photo of me of all time. Did you know that I don't usually like photos of myself smiling ? But this one is capturing a moment. So much joy on my face, I've never seen anything like it. Pretty amazing.
FOOTAGE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67zcFvDWXSY
*Phew*
I booked more gigs through the year with my agents than ever before. While being on set is exhausting I really do love it. I hope to do more of it!
I auditioned and was cast in "Persian Quarter" at Salt Lake Acting Co. over the summer and am now just four days away from starting rehearsals.
I celebrated my three year YouTube anniversary.
KUTV2 Morning Show. This was incredible. Because of YouTube, they found me and had me on as various characters. First as little Miss Honey bee interviewing Edward and Jacob look a likes at the New Moon premiere here, another character, Jan where they had me all over the place! I was doing the weather, the traffic, you name it and I did it that day! I was also a Sarah Palin impersonator. Then I was asked to fill in for Casey as a feature reporter for three days! One day was with roller derby girls, another with Keith Bryce, then at a RV toy shop. I absolutely love Ron, Mary, Debbie and Casey. What great people!
FOOTAGE:
Filling in, Keith Bryce interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jZqIvvGXY0
Sarah Palin in Utah: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08DDqGwJleg
Jan on the news: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTFtpJsArgc
Honey Bee w/Edward & Jacob:
1.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmHw-Ce7NUc
2.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUez6OYpDz0 and
3.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jgraC1YlWA
BURLESQUE:
There were three Voodoo Darlings Burlesque performances this year, the beginning of the years was the Rat Pack Revue at Fort Douglas. I took it easy on this one. I was literally just up from surgery and was determined to do it. Libertease for Jake Shannon (Sondra's husband, Sondra runs Pinpus for Pups and Jake is the one who hypnotized me...if you've seen that video) to raise money for his run for congress. This one was at studio 27 and was a fun little routine and a good excuse to wear my Victoria Secret flight attendant costume! Last but not least was our first Halloween show, at Fort Douglas. I did my Ludo's Love me Dead routine. This was the third time over the last few years and it's one of my favorites.
By the way...for those of you not in the burlesque scene that may not be sure what goes on or why I do it, here's your answer. I either do a funky dance routine, often with some humor or my routine is old school. Prancing around, slowly removing gloves, etc. A cutesy smile on my face the entire time. Think Michael Jackson's bad, or Madonna's Like a Virgin. I usually have a lot of accessories I remove throughout dropping the main pieces at the very end of the song. Panties, bra. Yes, there has been pasties once or twice. But almost always it's no more than a gal in a swimsuit. Why? I'm no prude, for starters. I've never been one to feel self conscious about the human body, nudity, etc. And what it boils down to is this. One day when I'm a wrinkly old granny I'm gonna love to have pictures to look back at and say, "Damn. Granny had it goin' on!" ;)
ZUMBA:
October 1 2010 was my first zumba class and I was addicted. I have never worked out. I have never enjoyed it. But it's true that you have to find your own personal workout and what's fun to you. I never feel like I have to do it or that it's work. I'm totally in love with it. In fact, I haven't been this in love with something in years and years.
FRIENDS:
Big changes this year. Rekindled with a long lost friend and realized how important that was and how I don't hold grudges like I always claimed. Taught me a lot about the power of forgiveness and put the really important people in my life in perspective. I felt it was better for me to distance myself from other friends that I felt like I kept supporting and really giving to but just wan't getting it back. I got together with some of my oldest friends in the world and it was magical. I spent more time with other friends and grew even closer with them. I made new friends. I feel very fulfilled in the friendship department. I wish no ill will on anyone, I'm not out to make an enemy. I'm out to surround myself with those who truly care about me and who give equal loyalty and love.
MY SWEETHEART:
This topic I don't seriously delve into too often on the web. If you know us, you know it's pretty magical for us.
We just celebrated our 6th christmas together. I don't know how I ever got on without him.
* * * * * * * * * *
I've said it before & I'll say it again. I don't believe in making new years resolutions. One of my favorite quotes that plays in my head regularly is from the movie Vanilla Sky, "every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around".
People put too much pressure on New Year resolutions, they set the impossible, expecting a life makeover and inevitably fail. We can make a change at any day, at any time, no matter how big or small. And it doesn't have to be everything at once.
So. What have I learned in this last year? This year full of things I thought I'd never do, always wanted to do, learned I could do? I learned that nothing is impossible, that's for sure. And that, "that which doesn't kill you, makes you...well...not dead" ;)
I also felt myself slip into a strange place I'd never been. A place of extreme doubt and sensitivity at times. I lost my adolescent "I don't care what you think" attitude and became a sensitive woman, I suppose. I didn't lose my confidence or my belief in myself, but I found my feelings hurt a lot and found it hard to cope with it. I'm still processing that. Perhaps I wrapped my entire identity up in the performing me the last few years, and needed a reminder that it's healthier for me to keep *me* separate from that. When I remember to do that, I feel balanced again.
I learned more than ever how literally I take everything, which just means I'm going to end up more hurt than someone who might not. If someone makes plans with me, says they'll do something, wants to meet, etc. whatever it is...I believe it. When things fall through, I don't understand.
I put myself out there. In all I do. No matter who says they don't care what anyone thinks, at the end of the day we are all only human and judgements and insults and opinions and assholes can weigh heavy. Especially considering how much I do.
The more you do, the more you risk, the more you're judged.
But I'll never apologize for my art.
My favorite word ever is BRAVE. Thanks, Robert Bella, a teacher in NYC who had a big impact on me, for teaching me the true meaning of that word. No matter what I do in my life, I will never let fear hold me back. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear in general. I will always be brave.
I'm tattooing that on my arm one of these days.
People truly forget (when you're in the public eye, or a performer) that you're a real person with feelings, families, a life etc. They think you're just there to entertain them. That if they don't like what you do, no matter how much of yourself and how much thought, care and time when into something, that they can flat out tell you that you suck. Well ouch.
Some days I can brush that off, and some days it stings.
People also form misconceptions from what they see. They think I have an eating disorder, they think I'm stuck up, etc. I'm constantly telling people I've been this size and weight since I was 14 years old. I don't think I could gain or lose weight if I tried, and that yes, I eat plenty. You'd be surprised. It's one thing to honestly ask "how do you stay slim" and another to point something out in the middle of eating something, or falsely accuse me of a serious disease. It's rude, and more than that, ignorant. And I'm probably one of the most humble performers you'll ever meet. That was ingrained in me in school in NYC. Just because I post a photo shoot online doesn't mean I think I'm all that. Again, I have never felt entitled, I have always felt nothing but very, very lucky. I don't like braggarts. I can accept a compliment but I always play things down and I don't tell people about the things I do unless they ask me. On YouTube, I present myself in a variety of ways. One day I'll be glam and the next I'm in a mustache. Hell, I've even uploaded videos when I've had a breakout! If you were under the impression that I thought I was too cool for school, you clearly haven't seen the god awful pictures I post of myself on my daily booth ;) http://dailybooth.com/DeenaMarie In real life, I'm very guarded. It takes awhile for me to let someone in.
*I know I'm supposed to give the standard reply of "Oh I don't let it get to me" but come on, I'm real and want everyone to remember that everyone is.
I am no saint, but I don't want to be the cause of someone's hurt feelings, when they've never wronged me. I don't get why anyone would.
But I think what weighed heaviest was how hard I am on myself. It's important for me to put all the cool things I did this year in writing, because I rarely live in the moment (and look, they're super cool things! Not everyone gets to do what they want to do, and I'm very lucky). I am always ahead, on fast forward. I am worrying about what comes next, what I can do that's bigger and better and I put to much pressure on myself. I realized my "internal dialogue" with myself is very, very negative. It's all about what isn't. What I didn't do. What wasn't right, what doesn't look good. Where does this come from, you ask? My parents didn't raise me like taskmasters. My sweetheart is the most supportive and laid back man you'll ever meet. It's all from me. Me wanting to be out there. To be known, to be the best, to be a professional. And I know I had to be. I couldn't be lazy, I couldn't settle. But speaking to yourself in all negative terms is no way to live.
At my core I know I'll always be an actress. It's in my bones. It's what I do. But I remember what it was like when I was just starting, and how fun it was, and the passion I had, and how bad I wanted it. I was certain I wanted it more than anyone else on the entire earth, and no way could all these professional actresses want it as bad as me, so why don't they move over and let me get the roles? "Be careful what you set your heart on for it will surely be yours", that's exactly what happened. :)
You do something until it's not fun any more, right? Then you make way for someone with that fire to have a turn. Now hold up, don't worry, like I said it's at my core and it's what I do. And if you follow me online, or on this blog alone, even then you know that I rarely get this personal. You should also know that it's my public diary. That women are fickle and change their minds every day, ha ha. An entry from two weeks ago might be the opposite of how I feel now. It's purely my thoughts one day to the next.
So don't freak out over what I'm about to say next...because if a once in a lifetime role or opportunity comes knocking I'm clearly not going to turn it down. But I am serious this time when I say that I'm going to say no more!
Saying no to a project is very hard for me. I hate to think that I'm missing out on something. I love to do. My love of performing comes from being little, seeing it, and wanting to be that. I later learned performing was my emotional outlet as well. I've never been the type of person who seeks attention in my day to day real life. I have my moments of being much more quiet than you may think based on my online persona. I don't do it to be showered with praise and compliments. But when someone tells me that I've inspired them, well it doesn't get any better than that.
But. I am thinking of taking the rest of the year off after Persian Quarter to let myself physically and mentally rest. To breathe. To try a few months of the most "normal" kind of life I've ever had. I need to start being nicer to myself and not being my own worst enemy, to pat myself on the back once in awhile. Clear out the goo and start refreshed. I want to be able to relax for a few months. To see what it feels like to hang out with family and friends and not have the stress of a million things I need to get done in the back of my head.
What else does this mean? Changes. Really, really big changes.
Career changes and lifestyle changes coming up for 2011.
Sound mysterious? Good. All will be revealed in due time!
Stay tuned...!
Tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/DeenaMarie
MODELING:
I shot my first centerfold for a magazine!
Sunday Slacker is a new pinup magazine based in Las Vegas who approached me to be their #3 issue centerfold.
They later asked to use a picture from a Fresh Peaces Swimwear suit for issue #5.
sundayslacker.com
I shot for Fresh Peaces Swimwear, located in California. The photos were displayed in their store & on their mailers.
I got to do some awesome runway this year and walk for designers I'd never walked for before.
Art Meets Fashion was huge and lovely and I got to wear two looks (one was a vintage swimsuit) by McKell Maddox
A month or two later was The Girly Show put on by The Hive Gallery where I got to walk in a Krista Nielson swimsuit and a vintage wedding dress by Betsy Barker.
You may think I'm okay wearing anything in front of anyone at anytime. This is almost completely true. However, I don't care who you are, wearing a swimsuit on a runway is big. It was a way bigger deal to me than a burlesque performance, a photo shoot in something barely there or even onstage nudity. I'm proud of myself, can check that one off the list and we'll see if that ever happens again. Ha ha.
I had a moment where I was ready to quit pinup. Pinup definitely found me. I did not seek it out. I found I had quite a knack for it and this year, more than ever I was asked to shoot pinup. I never want to be pigeon holed so for a little bit I was turning things down. Then I realized I can't escape it, it comes super easy and it's super fun. I want to do it all while I can, so I gladly gave back in!
Tami of RubySnap (formerly My Dough Girl) Cookie shop asked me to be her December pinup so my picture was in her store the month of December and "my cookie" The Noelle, was truly the best cookie I'd ever had in my life!
I did another Pinups for Pups event, a little fashion show fundraiser and this time my very own pup, Noodles got to walk the runway and get some adorable pics with me. Anytime I can involve him in anything is special to me. I even got to wear the fancy and beautiful little chihuahua necklace that my dad got me earlier this year.
I did some of my favorite photo shoots ever this year and met more photographers, make up artists and hair stylists that are not only talented as can be, but now new friends.
The beginning of the year I found myself in Vegas modeling for a Paul Mitchell hair show. Not only was the wardrobe, hair and makeup stunning, but I got to see old friends who live in Vegas that I hadn't seen in years.
Footage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p-DZFJ-4HA
IN Magazine. They are so fantastic there. I modeled for SLC's first Fashion Week issue in the spring, then got on the cover for Halloween as Wonder Woman! I've been on covers before, but never by myself. That was pretty special for me.
THEATRE & FILM:
Did you know...that I have done at least two plays a year for over ten years?
With the exception of my first year of training in NYC when we weren't allowed to audition while we were re-learning / learning a new technique.
2010 will be one of the most precious to me, if not the most, in terms of acting.
I was asked to do the first ever reading of "The Persian Quarter" at SLAC, as well as a reading for Plan B's Script in Hand series.
I made my Plan B debut and couldn't have asked for a better role. Sor Juana in the world premiere of "Amerigo" was a beautifully written role and I savored every minute.
I also did two things I'd yet to do. Plan B's Banned/Slammed. I was an actor in one of the 10 minute plays. Got there at 9am was performing by 7pm. Talk about adrenaline rush.
The other was going to a town I'd never heard of. Helper, UT to perform in a reading of a new play at a theatre there. After getting over the fact that I would have to live in a co-ed building and share a bathroom...performing the piece was actually very fun.
Hair. Oh my god. Hair. You know those experiences that are so special once it's over you kinda tuck it away, and can't really talk about it to those who weren't directly involved? That was Hair. I lived it, and my experience was this: I felt extremely lucky every minute to be playing my dream role, Sheila, in my favorite musical. I almost never got over that it was real. That I got to do it. My costume was exactly what I always envisioned. When Heidi came to my house for a fitting I couldn't believe it. I hadn't said anything...and there it was. All I ever wanted was to sing "Good Morning Starshine" on stage. I can't believe I got to. I got to work with my husband again. No matter what anyone things, that doesn't get me an automatic in. He doesn't have all the say as musical director. I still auditioned, and was actually thought of for another role in the beginning. It's quite amazing when my love and I get to be on stage together. It doesn't happen often, I never know when it could be the last time. Again, I felt extremely lucky (it was his dream show as well, to musically direct and play drums on) and there we were. Not only that but it's the theatre where we met. I was working on one of two equity guest artist contracts. They didn't have to use me. They did. I never took the opportunity or experience for granted. It could not have happened to a more appreciative actress. The cast was perfect. I got to work opposite my Freddy Lee who I adore, and it marked musical #3 for us. I've never in my life experienced that kind of an opening night, and a closing night. Again, I lived it. So did those who were a part of it. We may be the only ones to truly understand it. To say it was a profound experience is an understatement. We are forever bonded.
The above photo just might be my favorite photo of me of all time. Did you know that I don't usually like photos of myself smiling ? But this one is capturing a moment. So much joy on my face, I've never seen anything like it. Pretty amazing.
FOOTAGE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67zcFvDWXSY
*Phew*
I booked more gigs through the year with my agents than ever before. While being on set is exhausting I really do love it. I hope to do more of it!
I auditioned and was cast in "Persian Quarter" at Salt Lake Acting Co. over the summer and am now just four days away from starting rehearsals.
I celebrated my three year YouTube anniversary.
KUTV2 Morning Show. This was incredible. Because of YouTube, they found me and had me on as various characters. First as little Miss Honey bee interviewing Edward and Jacob look a likes at the New Moon premiere here, another character, Jan where they had me all over the place! I was doing the weather, the traffic, you name it and I did it that day! I was also a Sarah Palin impersonator. Then I was asked to fill in for Casey as a feature reporter for three days! One day was with roller derby girls, another with Keith Bryce, then at a RV toy shop. I absolutely love Ron, Mary, Debbie and Casey. What great people!
FOOTAGE:
Filling in, Keith Bryce interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jZqIvvGXY0
Sarah Palin in Utah: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08DDqGwJleg
Jan on the news: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTFtpJsArgc
Honey Bee w/Edward & Jacob:
1.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmHw-Ce7NUc
2.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUez6OYpDz0 and
3.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jgraC1YlWA
BURLESQUE:
There were three Voodoo Darlings Burlesque performances this year, the beginning of the years was the Rat Pack Revue at Fort Douglas. I took it easy on this one. I was literally just up from surgery and was determined to do it. Libertease for Jake Shannon (Sondra's husband, Sondra runs Pinpus for Pups and Jake is the one who hypnotized me...if you've seen that video) to raise money for his run for congress. This one was at studio 27 and was a fun little routine and a good excuse to wear my Victoria Secret flight attendant costume! Last but not least was our first Halloween show, at Fort Douglas. I did my Ludo's Love me Dead routine. This was the third time over the last few years and it's one of my favorites.
By the way...for those of you not in the burlesque scene that may not be sure what goes on or why I do it, here's your answer. I either do a funky dance routine, often with some humor or my routine is old school. Prancing around, slowly removing gloves, etc. A cutesy smile on my face the entire time. Think Michael Jackson's bad, or Madonna's Like a Virgin. I usually have a lot of accessories I remove throughout dropping the main pieces at the very end of the song. Panties, bra. Yes, there has been pasties once or twice. But almost always it's no more than a gal in a swimsuit. Why? I'm no prude, for starters. I've never been one to feel self conscious about the human body, nudity, etc. And what it boils down to is this. One day when I'm a wrinkly old granny I'm gonna love to have pictures to look back at and say, "Damn. Granny had it goin' on!" ;)
ZUMBA:
October 1 2010 was my first zumba class and I was addicted. I have never worked out. I have never enjoyed it. But it's true that you have to find your own personal workout and what's fun to you. I never feel like I have to do it or that it's work. I'm totally in love with it. In fact, I haven't been this in love with something in years and years.
FRIENDS:
Big changes this year. Rekindled with a long lost friend and realized how important that was and how I don't hold grudges like I always claimed. Taught me a lot about the power of forgiveness and put the really important people in my life in perspective. I felt it was better for me to distance myself from other friends that I felt like I kept supporting and really giving to but just wan't getting it back. I got together with some of my oldest friends in the world and it was magical. I spent more time with other friends and grew even closer with them. I made new friends. I feel very fulfilled in the friendship department. I wish no ill will on anyone, I'm not out to make an enemy. I'm out to surround myself with those who truly care about me and who give equal loyalty and love.
MY SWEETHEART:
This topic I don't seriously delve into too often on the web. If you know us, you know it's pretty magical for us.
We just celebrated our 6th christmas together. I don't know how I ever got on without him.
* * * * * * * * * *
I've said it before & I'll say it again. I don't believe in making new years resolutions. One of my favorite quotes that plays in my head regularly is from the movie Vanilla Sky, "every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around".
People put too much pressure on New Year resolutions, they set the impossible, expecting a life makeover and inevitably fail. We can make a change at any day, at any time, no matter how big or small. And it doesn't have to be everything at once.
So. What have I learned in this last year? This year full of things I thought I'd never do, always wanted to do, learned I could do? I learned that nothing is impossible, that's for sure. And that, "that which doesn't kill you, makes you...well...not dead" ;)
I also felt myself slip into a strange place I'd never been. A place of extreme doubt and sensitivity at times. I lost my adolescent "I don't care what you think" attitude and became a sensitive woman, I suppose. I didn't lose my confidence or my belief in myself, but I found my feelings hurt a lot and found it hard to cope with it. I'm still processing that. Perhaps I wrapped my entire identity up in the performing me the last few years, and needed a reminder that it's healthier for me to keep *me* separate from that. When I remember to do that, I feel balanced again.
I learned more than ever how literally I take everything, which just means I'm going to end up more hurt than someone who might not. If someone makes plans with me, says they'll do something, wants to meet, etc. whatever it is...I believe it. When things fall through, I don't understand.
I put myself out there. In all I do. No matter who says they don't care what anyone thinks, at the end of the day we are all only human and judgements and insults and opinions and assholes can weigh heavy. Especially considering how much I do.
The more you do, the more you risk, the more you're judged.
But I'll never apologize for my art.
My favorite word ever is BRAVE. Thanks, Robert Bella, a teacher in NYC who had a big impact on me, for teaching me the true meaning of that word. No matter what I do in my life, I will never let fear hold me back. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear in general. I will always be brave.
I'm tattooing that on my arm one of these days.
People truly forget (when you're in the public eye, or a performer) that you're a real person with feelings, families, a life etc. They think you're just there to entertain them. That if they don't like what you do, no matter how much of yourself and how much thought, care and time when into something, that they can flat out tell you that you suck. Well ouch.
Some days I can brush that off, and some days it stings.
People also form misconceptions from what they see. They think I have an eating disorder, they think I'm stuck up, etc. I'm constantly telling people I've been this size and weight since I was 14 years old. I don't think I could gain or lose weight if I tried, and that yes, I eat plenty. You'd be surprised. It's one thing to honestly ask "how do you stay slim" and another to point something out in the middle of eating something, or falsely accuse me of a serious disease. It's rude, and more than that, ignorant. And I'm probably one of the most humble performers you'll ever meet. That was ingrained in me in school in NYC. Just because I post a photo shoot online doesn't mean I think I'm all that. Again, I have never felt entitled, I have always felt nothing but very, very lucky. I don't like braggarts. I can accept a compliment but I always play things down and I don't tell people about the things I do unless they ask me. On YouTube, I present myself in a variety of ways. One day I'll be glam and the next I'm in a mustache. Hell, I've even uploaded videos when I've had a breakout! If you were under the impression that I thought I was too cool for school, you clearly haven't seen the god awful pictures I post of myself on my daily booth ;) http://dailybooth.com/DeenaMarie In real life, I'm very guarded. It takes awhile for me to let someone in.
*I know I'm supposed to give the standard reply of "Oh I don't let it get to me" but come on, I'm real and want everyone to remember that everyone is.
I am no saint, but I don't want to be the cause of someone's hurt feelings, when they've never wronged me. I don't get why anyone would.
But I think what weighed heaviest was how hard I am on myself. It's important for me to put all the cool things I did this year in writing, because I rarely live in the moment (and look, they're super cool things! Not everyone gets to do what they want to do, and I'm very lucky). I am always ahead, on fast forward. I am worrying about what comes next, what I can do that's bigger and better and I put to much pressure on myself. I realized my "internal dialogue" with myself is very, very negative. It's all about what isn't. What I didn't do. What wasn't right, what doesn't look good. Where does this come from, you ask? My parents didn't raise me like taskmasters. My sweetheart is the most supportive and laid back man you'll ever meet. It's all from me. Me wanting to be out there. To be known, to be the best, to be a professional. And I know I had to be. I couldn't be lazy, I couldn't settle. But speaking to yourself in all negative terms is no way to live.
At my core I know I'll always be an actress. It's in my bones. It's what I do. But I remember what it was like when I was just starting, and how fun it was, and the passion I had, and how bad I wanted it. I was certain I wanted it more than anyone else on the entire earth, and no way could all these professional actresses want it as bad as me, so why don't they move over and let me get the roles? "Be careful what you set your heart on for it will surely be yours", that's exactly what happened. :)
You do something until it's not fun any more, right? Then you make way for someone with that fire to have a turn. Now hold up, don't worry, like I said it's at my core and it's what I do. And if you follow me online, or on this blog alone, even then you know that I rarely get this personal. You should also know that it's my public diary. That women are fickle and change their minds every day, ha ha. An entry from two weeks ago might be the opposite of how I feel now. It's purely my thoughts one day to the next.
So don't freak out over what I'm about to say next...because if a once in a lifetime role or opportunity comes knocking I'm clearly not going to turn it down. But I am serious this time when I say that I'm going to say no more!
Saying no to a project is very hard for me. I hate to think that I'm missing out on something. I love to do. My love of performing comes from being little, seeing it, and wanting to be that. I later learned performing was my emotional outlet as well. I've never been the type of person who seeks attention in my day to day real life. I have my moments of being much more quiet than you may think based on my online persona. I don't do it to be showered with praise and compliments. But when someone tells me that I've inspired them, well it doesn't get any better than that.
But. I am thinking of taking the rest of the year off after Persian Quarter to let myself physically and mentally rest. To breathe. To try a few months of the most "normal" kind of life I've ever had. I need to start being nicer to myself and not being my own worst enemy, to pat myself on the back once in awhile. Clear out the goo and start refreshed. I want to be able to relax for a few months. To see what it feels like to hang out with family and friends and not have the stress of a million things I need to get done in the back of my head.
What else does this mean? Changes. Really, really big changes.
Career changes and lifestyle changes coming up for 2011.
Sound mysterious? Good. All will be revealed in due time!
Stay tuned...!
Tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/DeenaMarie
Dec 29, 2010
Conversations that shouldn't happen but do.
Person: You're from Utah?
Me: Yes.
Person: Are you a mormon?
Me: No.
Person: Isn't everyone in Utah a mormon?!
Me: No.
* * *
Me: I hate the snow!
Person: Don't you ski/snowboard?
Me: No.
Person: I thought everyone in Utah skis/snowboards?!
Me: No.
* * *
Me: I wish I could live somewhere warm year round, I don't need all four seasons!
Person: Why don't you move? You should move!
Me: No.
* * *
...Aaaaaaand SCENE! ;)
tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/DeenaMarie
Me: Yes.
Person: Are you a mormon?
Me: No.
Person: Isn't everyone in Utah a mormon?!
Me: No.
* * *
Me: I hate the snow!
Person: Don't you ski/snowboard?
Me: No.
Person: I thought everyone in Utah skis/snowboards?!
Me: No.
* * *
Me: I wish I could live somewhere warm year round, I don't need all four seasons!
Person: Why don't you move? You should move!
Me: No.
* * *
...Aaaaaaand SCENE! ;)
tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/DeenaMarie
Dec 18, 2010
Black Swan
*Spoilers ahead*
We just got back from seeing "Black Swan". I don't love going to movies. I love watching movies, but not going to the movie theatre. Every once in awhile I get super excited to see something. As in I have to see it the second it comes out. "Black Swan" was something I've been intrigued by and dying to see the minute it opened.
I am still trying to process it. It was one of those that was truly something else. An experience. Not a regular trip to the movies.
I can barely talk about it. I feel like if I try to out loud I'll burst into tears so writing a blog immediately after is the next best thing.
Let me start off by saying I wanted to be a ballerina. What little girl didn't, right? I took ballet, I wore my tutu all the time. My room was decorated with ballet posters, ballerina dolls, toe shoes on the wall etc. I read books about ballerinas. I don't know what I could have truly done with it. I didn't pursue or know how to purse a career as a ballerina.
Let me also say that Swan Lake is my favorite ballet.
I know what it's like to ride the subway, get off at Lincoln center and head to class.
As we all know, I still grew up to be a performer. I certainly know the feeling of being onstage and the phases we go through as performers.
I've certainly had my time struggling with perfection and being my own worst enemy, "No one is standing in your way but you" is said in the movie. I will always fight it to varying degrees at various times in my life.
The movie was beautifully shot with the camera only inches away from Natalie Portmans face the entire time. You could feel every second. Literally every single second of what she was going through the entire film. They director knew so specifically what he was doing. It was incredibly visceral. My stomach was in knots from the first scene until the end.
I know what it's like to want that role. Total devastation to not get it. The moment when you do get it and all is right in the world. Calling my mom just like she did and how that feels to tell the news. The tears the happiness, the stress, the pressure.
You hear all of this, you read it in writing but it is actually and completely captured in this film.
Let me tell you, honestly, that performers who do what they do professionally, for a living, who eat sleep and breathe it know what it's like, or been like, to walk that fine line (with all the emotion, passion, competition and sensitivity it entails to do what we do) between sane and crazy. Seriously.
I loved the themes of not seeing yourself accurately (the mirrors). Lines blurring with playing a character and turning into the character (the feathers). Self sabotage.
And of course the friend/enemy/competition.
I loved the lines of that relationship blurring. What's the saying about hating in your enemy what you most hate in yourself? I loved the confusing/sexual turn it took for Natalie's character. Living in the world she did, unable to release any kind of stress and completely pent up...that's an example of using sexuality in a movie in the right way. To enhance the frustration, story, characters, etc.
This poor girl couldn't relax. Couldn't catch her breath through the whole movie. I loved (how many times can I say "I LOVED" in this blog?!) that you could always her her breathing - almost panting every time she was dancing. She never had a break. Could never be at rest. She couldn't have any release. An orgasm, privacy, etc. It built through the entire film. Towards the end as her mother is pounding on the door you literally cannot stand it.
I loved that she begged, "anyone but her", regarding Lily as the understudy. Who hasn't thought that/had that thought about them/wanted to be able to say it?
At the end of the movie...after not knowing how it was going to end...all I could think as she's laying there *after her swan song* (trying not to give too much away) and seeing one of the final shots of stage lights...I thought it was perfection. Isn't that how we'd all like it to end?
Complete total perfection. In a movie about a girl struggling so hard to find and be this perfection (and wants it and feels so deeply) that it literally kills her.
I felt myself trying my hardest to hold back my tears. I was almost gasping. I felt like I could even have some kind of an anxiety attack. It was such a ride, at times so hard to watch. Again, because they do a brilliant job of making you feel every single moment.
It left me feeling very sad. Exhausted. Speechless.
I'm serious when I tell you I can't talk about it out loud. Yet. Maybe ever.
I saw it with my sweetheart, thank goodness, because he knew what I'd take from it. He knew what I'd be feeling and that I wouldn't be able to talk about it but totally understand.
As the credits were rolling and people were leaving I heard a couple saying, "that was so weird!"
I wondered if you have to have been a life long performer, dancer or actor to really understand? Or been close to someone who was? I don't know. I'll be curious to see how this affects people I know. Both performers and non performers.
Talk about a dream role. I would have given absolutely anything to play Natalie Portmans role in that film.
What a role of a lifetime.
I could only think how nuts Natalie must have felt through filming and also how incredibly cathartic it must have been as an actress.
That's about all I can say or need to say...I feel like I'm still only able to describe it in a way that sounds like I'm skimming the surface. I don't know if I could do it justice in writing anyway. You just need to see and feel it.
That's kinda the way it is when something affects you so deeply, right?
No words.
* * *
What I did take away was inspiration. I'm a little over two weeks away from starting rehearsals for a pretty intense piece. With the exception of one year (my first year at school in NYC when we weren't allowed to do a play while learning our new acting technique) I've done at least two plays every year for ten years. I've been wondering lately if it's time to sit back for a year and reassess. I want to stay a step ahead of the burn out. I want it to always be in love with it. But seeing such a role/performance gave me energy to gear up and get excited for this next (and maybe the last of the year) two month process.
Dec 10, 2010
A pair.
My sweetheart and I are a true pair. You rarely find one without the other. I know many couples. Married, dating, new, old, long term, short term etc. I like to learn how so many twosomes work. What's normal to them. How they do it. They're all very different. It's so interesting! A relationship is never about one or the other, but the combination of two specific people together. Some combinations are toxic, some are great. One person you're either toxic or great with could mean the opposite when paired with someone else. It's all so so so specific.
This month, it's been 6 years since we first met. Mind you, we didn't start dating or anything. That took awhile. But December 2004 was our first brief introduction at a call back for a play. I was auditioning for him. :)
It's amazing how you find your "groove" together over the years and how it changes. In our case, we get closer and closer. It's always been easy, natural, fulfilling, enhancing and completely the way it was supposed to be for us. We can barely remember what it was like before we were a family.
That's our favorite term. Our family.
The other day he told me about watching an interview and someone saying that the number one most important element of all, everything else aside, was being best friends.
We agree 100% and very much feel we are the best of friends. If you are not the best of friends then it's never gonna work. In my two long term relationships be fore him (which were very different from us and very different from each other) we were no way, no how best friends first and foremost. In fact, as people, I hardly got along with either of them more often than not and never really knew if I truly even liked them as people.
I think that's the secret. That's all there is to it. I miss him when we are apart. We can't wait to just be together. It doesn't matter what we do. Home in our cozy's watching tv or out on a date. We are just always together. It's always assumed that we'll go together, we'll be together. Not in a co dependent way, this is the healthiest relationship I ever could have imagined having. But simply because we are a pair. We would rather be together than not. We like to talk to each other, about everything no matter how small. We like to laugh. To joke. To eat. To cuddle our puppy and cuddle each other.
He said the other day we're a pair. Like a pair of lovebirds. In love, stuck like glue. People say it's not human nature to be monogamous but we disagree. Humans can very much mate for life.
It's pretty special to truly have a partner like that. I feel so lucky every day that we met and it was mutual.
I never ever ever take it for granted.
<3
Dec 6, 2010
What is friendship?
If you read my blog, you know I like definitions. I like to look up and see the written "official" meaning of things.
So what is friendship? I like what EzineArticles.com had to say:
Friendship is a personal relationship shared between each friend for the welfare of other, in other words, it is the relationship of trust, faith and concern for each other feelings. It is a relationship of mutual caring and intimacy among one another. A friend is one who knows you as a person and regards you for what you are and not what he or she is looking in a good friend. Best friend is one who accepts the good as well bad qualities of his friend and also takes an initiative in correcting and mending them. Friendship is a distinctive kind of concern for your friend, it is a relationship of immense faith and love for each other.
Friendship is all about how much you care and understand each other. It is a pure relationship, which would make your friend smile, feel good as to how much you love him and care for him. It is all about talking, listening and building up a strong relationship loyalty among each other. It is string of love which develops gradually with each others involvement. In certain cases friendship may not last for a longer period and might end up or lose its prime importance of love and regard for each other. There are some friendships which might end with unresolved conflicts and tiffs which means that these type of relationship were not so strong that could hold on their own in adversity and bad times. Friendship is not about merry-making and fun it involves equal loyalty from both the partners.
It should be understood that not all friends are best friends. One might come across numerous number of friends in his life but there are very few who will be their during your ups and down. How one should recognize your best friend the one who will understand your strengths and shortcomings and would be with you in all your good and bad phases of life.
A true friendship does not consist of a huge number of friends you keep but it is valued by its worth and capability to hold you and stand by you in all phases of life.That said finding a best friend from among your friends is the hardest task to do.A lot of people say that the best friends automatically come closer from among a group of friends and you will never have to make an extra effort to do find one. That is how the strong bond between true friends is formed. So best of luck in finding or recognizing a true friend!
2010 has been a weird year for me for friendships. I made amends with a long lost friend I never thought I'd see again. I made new friends. I got closer to existing friends. I lost a friend I never thought I'd lose. I got together with some of my oldest friends.
All of this got me thinking. About the complexities of friendship. The sensitivities of friendship. How hard they can be and how truly great they can be.
I went to dinner last saturday night with Jaime and Jason who I've known forever. We have stayed somewhat in contact over the years, but it's one of those things where you plan to get together, never do, and before you know it five years have gone by. Until we were all sitting in the same room together again, I'd almost forgotten just how much time we had once spent together. It all started coming back to all of us, things we hadn't thought about in years of some of the most fun and crazy times we've had. Friendships aren't always easy to maintain. The fact that these two have known me for many, many years and have been such a big part of my life for so long is very special to me. Long and true friendships are very rare.
Jaime & Jason
The same night after dinner, I went downtown where I met up with other friends. Suzanne I see much more often and have known for a very long time as well. She's another who is in a league of her own on the list of those near and dear to me. To see all three of them on the same night really did something for me over the weekend. I felt so happy, so content, so grateful to have people like this in my life. Maybe as I get older I value it more and realize just how lucky I am to have these people in my life and that they in turn truly care about and enjoy spending time with me. Very lucky.
Suzanne
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
-Albert Schweitzer
So what is friendship? I like what EzineArticles.com had to say:
Friendship is a personal relationship shared between each friend for the welfare of other, in other words, it is the relationship of trust, faith and concern for each other feelings. It is a relationship of mutual caring and intimacy among one another. A friend is one who knows you as a person and regards you for what you are and not what he or she is looking in a good friend. Best friend is one who accepts the good as well bad qualities of his friend and also takes an initiative in correcting and mending them. Friendship is a distinctive kind of concern for your friend, it is a relationship of immense faith and love for each other.
Friendship is all about how much you care and understand each other. It is a pure relationship, which would make your friend smile, feel good as to how much you love him and care for him. It is all about talking, listening and building up a strong relationship loyalty among each other. It is string of love which develops gradually with each others involvement. In certain cases friendship may not last for a longer period and might end up or lose its prime importance of love and regard for each other. There are some friendships which might end with unresolved conflicts and tiffs which means that these type of relationship were not so strong that could hold on their own in adversity and bad times. Friendship is not about merry-making and fun it involves equal loyalty from both the partners.
It should be understood that not all friends are best friends. One might come across numerous number of friends in his life but there are very few who will be their during your ups and down. How one should recognize your best friend the one who will understand your strengths and shortcomings and would be with you in all your good and bad phases of life.
A true friendship does not consist of a huge number of friends you keep but it is valued by its worth and capability to hold you and stand by you in all phases of life.That said finding a best friend from among your friends is the hardest task to do.A lot of people say that the best friends automatically come closer from among a group of friends and you will never have to make an extra effort to do find one. That is how the strong bond between true friends is formed. So best of luck in finding or recognizing a true friend!
2010 has been a weird year for me for friendships. I made amends with a long lost friend I never thought I'd see again. I made new friends. I got closer to existing friends. I lost a friend I never thought I'd lose. I got together with some of my oldest friends.
All of this got me thinking. About the complexities of friendship. The sensitivities of friendship. How hard they can be and how truly great they can be.
I went to dinner last saturday night with Jaime and Jason who I've known forever. We have stayed somewhat in contact over the years, but it's one of those things where you plan to get together, never do, and before you know it five years have gone by. Until we were all sitting in the same room together again, I'd almost forgotten just how much time we had once spent together. It all started coming back to all of us, things we hadn't thought about in years of some of the most fun and crazy times we've had. Friendships aren't always easy to maintain. The fact that these two have known me for many, many years and have been such a big part of my life for so long is very special to me. Long and true friendships are very rare.
Jaime & Jason
The same night after dinner, I went downtown where I met up with other friends. Suzanne I see much more often and have known for a very long time as well. She's another who is in a league of her own on the list of those near and dear to me. To see all three of them on the same night really did something for me over the weekend. I felt so happy, so content, so grateful to have people like this in my life. Maybe as I get older I value it more and realize just how lucky I am to have these people in my life and that they in turn truly care about and enjoy spending time with me. Very lucky.
Suzanne
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
-Albert Schweitzer
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